2008 Comes to a crashing Hault, Head on Collision with 2009...

Although 2008 had good intentions, it hasn't exactly been a walk in the park.

I ended the semester with "mixed reviews" from my students, haven't seen the girls in I-don't-know-how-long, hospital visits, sleepless nights, incompetent co-workers, and hurting loved ones. By the time Christmas rolled around I was pissed off, exhausted and decompressing badly. Needless to say my Christmas day ended with a long bout of crying into Chris's arms.

After spending around 9 hours in the ER yesterday to find out that the nausea/blackout/dizzy/scary spell at 430am was classified off the bat as a panic attack, I realized how physically alone I am. BTW, my parents did an amazing job of putting up with me. With Chris 14 light years, I mean hours on the other side of the world, and the girls in California, I'm left with what I thought I wanted in the first place...alone time. It sucks. Too much time to think can be a bad thing.

Thinking of what 2008 has meant to me fills me with that same nauseous feeling and I become filled with doubt and guilt. In an attempt not to let the whole year go down as "That one year" or "The shitty year" I'd like to list 5 things that happened that have been good things.

5. An historical election. Here's to an African American who won on his own merit. Let us not have faith in him but guide him as a leader. Here's to OJ Simpson getting the time he deserved. No two men are the same. Judging people by skin color/sexual preference/whatever is just plain narrow minded.

4. My job. As incompetent as some of my co-workers are, I am truly grateful for my job. It allows me that satisfied teacher feeling as well as allowing me to be an autonomous human being with my own apartment. I have grown tremendously as a person in some of the areas I was lacking because of this opportunity and I appreciate it greatly. And here's to getting my temporary Director position extended through the end of Summer term. Here's to knowing that I can pay my bills tomorrow.

3. My parents talk to me. Don't think that's any small thing. This time just a couple of years ago they weren't. I might still be the "bad child" but at least I have my parents back. You don't know how much they mean until you find that they aren't willing to be there for you any more. Here's to my parents for putting up with me. Thanks for getting up at 430 in the morning to hold my hand and the puke bucket for me. And thanks to my brother for always picking the right CD for me.

2. To failed attempts. Some things should not be done successfully and if you know what they are be thankful they weren't. Thank God all three of you failed.

1. Here's to forgiveness. I may or may not deserve it, but I got a lot of it this year. Don't think I'm going to go squandering it either. I've learned hard lessons that will make me better. Hopefully I can give back what I have received in love, loyalty, compassion, laughter, trust, gratefulness, openness, oneness...And here's to all the friends that stood by to lend a hand, an ear, or a beer.

And of course, drum roll please........My resolutions:

1. No more lies
2. Cut down on swearing
3. Keep communication open and free-flowing
4. Save money
5. Take steps toward traveling
6. Complete at least a 7th triathlon
7. Make a concerted effort to help out
8. Take steps toward opening my own business
9. Stop living as though I don't deserve happiness
10. Love to the fullest and give back what I have received

Don't worry

We all have a lie...

Pondering Negotiations and Unspoken Agreements

I thought I was paying attention as I was staring at the flashing school lights, but then I saw the crossing guard...the word slow on his sign making no sense to me. He whisled his whisle as a slammed on my brakes to slow down finally realizing where I was.

My own love list

I found a new picture that I had never seen before. Attached to it was a love list. A list of things you love without attaching those things to any certain person. It is supposed to help you figure out who you are. Guess what. I just so happen to be trying to do just that very thing. So here goes...

I love that there are too many truths to see to a given story. I love being sore after a really nice workout. I love sharing yoga with my students. I love that anyone can choose to be my student. I love that certain things just come easy to me and I don't have to understand why. I love the feeling of stretching after sex. I love coming home knowing that the only thing I'm going to do before bed is soak in tub of semi-hot water. I love that I have a ton of shit to do tomorrow that I absolutely have to get done. I love being needed.


I love when I forget to eat. I love running when the only thing I can think about is the sound of my shoes hitting the ground and the feeling of my lungs expanding and contracting. I love making something simple to eat for me and only me nobody else. I love speaking jibberish that no one else understands. I love finding that person, those people who understand. I love my kind of crazy. I love that hope means that I have already failed, that I should have put in the work instead of wasting time hoping.

I love using my body in as many different ways as I can and have still more to try. I love smiling into someone's eyes and having them know exactly what I mean. I love being naked as much as possible whenever possible. I love when I have no idea what someone is saying but having it make sense later when I am alone. I love forgetting all together that I have a cell phone. I love making someone's day just that much easier or happier or better. I love that my sub-conscious mind is much smarter than I am. I love making people laugh uncomfortably because they know I mean it. I love my ass. I love memorizing all the words to rap because of I have no idea why and I love that too. I love that I am scared shitless to find out who I am but I am still making this small attempt at it.

An indirect Quote

Life is like a box of dark chocolate nugety glass. You know you're going to get hurt.

A rare dream

In general my dreams are as stupid as everything I say and as mixed up as everything I think when I am awake. No big deal. I usually can't remember much and even when I do none of it makes sense or I'm simply falling or paralized or blind...

Last night summed up all of the reasons I've never lived alone. I came into my apartment at about 11pm quite tired after swimming and yoga. My eyes just wouldn't focus and my halls and lighting are set up in a way that they invite strange shadows and flickers, etc. If you aren't paying attention you may see "movement" (eg light and shadows from windows, etc.) out of the corner of your eye. I checked the shower as I have done all my life when I stay alone, as if checking it would make the monster go away before the curtain was opened. I made sure that when I re-opened the mirrored medicine cabinet that I didn't look directly into the mirror. I crawled as deep into my covers as possible before turning off the last light and imagined what it would be like if I actually believed in ghosts.

During the night I was restless. Kept waking up because something else on my body would fall asleep or my heart would do something weird, at least I thought it was...

The details of the dream are hard to come by, but I distinctly remember starting to bring seemingly random items into a room. Then it all started to come to me...I had been bringing very closely related items into the room and knew that upon the last trip with the last items in my hands I would complete the link to the other side...I walked into the room with something in my right hand and a baby on my left hip. No telling who's baby it was. As I entered a horrifying figure appeared at flickered as a lightening bolt would infront of me. I basically jumped out of my sleep body's skin. I left the room to bring the baby to safety and re-entered the room alone. The same figure reappeared infront of me. When I left again the baby was lost. My father kept asking me what had happened to the baby. I didn't know. I didn't leave her in the room.

It seems to me that our minds put together seemingly random things into the disconnected show that make up our dreams. My feeling is that our brains have made neural connections between certain thoughts and those pathways of our subconcious mind have suddenly been opened while we dream. When I remember my dreams I like to take note of any connections I can still bring forth into my concious mind. Because that's what our concious mind does...it tries to make sense of stimuli that make very little real sense at all.

Who was that little baby? Why was she the last link? Why did I enter the room twice when I was really scared and knew what was going to happen? Why do our dreams fade away so quickly? I am left to ponder these questions during yet another night alone in my new apartment.

Addition to the last list

I guess I forgot to put down that at 15 years old I found out that I had two uteri (what the hell is the plural of uterus?) and one kidney...suprise!

I have halucinated anything from a space slug to birds to dead bodies and dogs...all of my roomates can attest to this. None of this is in any way drug induced.

One year I recieved W-2's from at least 5 states.

I never honestly ditched classes until college.

I can't think of any more...Although I love my life and there are some things that I've done that I can't put on the list and probably more that I can't remember and still more that probably wouldn't be interesting to you, my life is just not fit for writing ;)...

Should I write this list? Probably not...

I have little to hide. All of you know this...

This is a "short" list of some of the things that have happened in my life...obviously not close to complete in any way. Don't try this at home, and God, please don't hold any of it against me.

Let's see, where do I start?

I tried to be the best parts of five religions at once.

I have kissed four girls on three separate occasions.

I posed nude for art classes...drawing, not photography.

Almost killed myself rapping back down from a climb in Jack's Canyon, UT.

I rode 65 miles until I had nothing left, was crying and literally fell off of my bike at the finish line.

I have participated in 6 triathlons.

I lived in NH for a semester teaching children nonsense and beauty about everything from parachutes to taking them hiking for the first time in their lives.

I changed my name from Kristen McKernan to Kristen Martinez in middle school.

I've threatened to kill myself with pills and a knife on one occasion.

I have racked up a $3000 bill after fainting during a routine blood draw and seizing.

I have dated people upwards of 7 years, topping out at 20 years my senior and kissed two men three and two years my junior.

I've spent a new years eve on top of the Bank of the West building.

I have been on tv at least twice

I discovered the tooth of a new creature and never saw my name in the article.

I have had sex in a car in a church parking lot, and several other places.

I have never been in jail.

I have pretended to smoke once...never inhaled.

I have orgasmed in many more places than I have had sex...

I have listened to my favorite band play at a house in the boonies and got to eat at the Frontier with them afterwards.

I have listened to a band called "Mr. Matt's Beaver Fever" play their set at a Laundromat before we all got kicked out for noise violation (the titty bar two doors down called the cops).

I have stayed up for 72 hours just to say I did and saw a nice sunrise.

I have hit a bullseye twice in a row with a bow and arrow.

I have taken pictures with the farmer and his turkeys at a Mormon turkey farm.

I was hit on and propositioned by a man who, the next day, promptly shot and killed at least four people.

I have jumped out of a plane with a man and a parachute strapped to my back and have the video to prove it.

I climbed a plastic 5.12-...say what you will.

I have spent a spring break in a little Mexican town on the beach.

I have turned heads.

My OB-Gyn once told me that I had nice thighs. Then I saw her dressed as a leopard for halloween when I went trick-or-treating.

I have driven to Las Cruces in a Pirate van that ended up scaring an old lady so badly that she reported it to her apartment manager.

Climbed to the top of a dilapidated Pecan factory and shook harder than I ever have in my life.

Touched a penguin...in captivity.

I've gone on many paleontology digs.

I attended a semester of truck driving 101.

I used a bike as my primary form of transportation for over four years.

I had my upper ear pierced but had to take it out because of Judo.

I lost my only Judo match.

I was the flower girl/ring bearer at my mom and dad's wedding.

This week encapsulated

this week I...

lost a friend and it hurt

gained two pounds

made a little girl laugh

accepted the most beautiful red roses

helped my students learn about their shoulders

hired two of the best workstudies ever

became an apartment renter for the first time

heard some bad news about people I love very much

climbed again and it felt good

missed my lover and then didn't

purchased my first vinyl

taught solely for the love of it

spoke to my long lost boss and mentor

found out what the word "baller" meant

saw the worst in a colleague

explored and pushed boundaries

stole because of someone else's stupidity

thought for a second I might turn gay...

had another panic attack related to my absurd fear of dying
and/or getting old

wore high heels for the first time since I left the Benz

so very much enjoyed having my car back

said fuck a whole lot

introduced my mom to the obsession that is gelato

started feeling my shoulder again

saw myself in a photo that shows how jacked up my levator scapulae really is

thought about calling the god Doc; After all, I do still owe him for the last time

regretted leaving Sports and Wellness just a little

confirmed that I do, in fact, know way too much about the current rap scene and urban dialect

thought about the fact that it ain't trickin' if you got it...hehehehe

did a lot of waiting around for text messages

started getting more and more confused

Me so clever...You can learn the most from online quizzes...bitches

1) Favorite object in your room?
When I get a room of my own, my favorite object will be me...'cause I'll finally be in my own room.

2) Have you ever smoked heroin?
Um, not even in a dream

3) Do you own guns?
Pft, you don't even know...

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
Apple. Or piss.

5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Usually I'm going in for something unpleasant so I'd say yes.

6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I wonder what's in this???

7) Favorite song?
Right now? Mmmm, I like "Whatever you like"

8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Soy milk...and water

9) Can you do push ups?
Well, I haven't tried a regular one...but I recently did one off of a Fit Ball.

10) Can you do a chin up?
Assisted. Chin ups are easier because they involve the biceps...pull ups are done with the hands pronated...so they're harder...But they're all hard for me.

11) What's your Favorite Restaurant?
Winnings Coffee House.

12) Do you like blue cheese?
Fuck no. I love cheese but that ain't cheese.

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
True on all counts. I've been in a car and a wreck...in a car.

14) Was it your fault?
What? Yes, it was definitely my fault that the London bridge fell. Funny story actually...I was walking to the grocery store, you see...and then, ah, too long...next question.

15) What's one trait that you hate about yourself?
There is only one thing I hate about myself and I can't do anything about it...so why beat myself up over it.

16) Middle name?
Yep, got one of those

17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment..
I think my head is going to explode
I need more water
Sleep sleep sleep

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday:
Bake sale food stuffs (Unfortunately, I'm still in this damned "fat girl" mode...)
The chicken wrap with hot wing sauce in it
Superfood Odwalla to make myself feel better about the "fat girl" thing

19) Name 3 drinks you drink regularly?
Water water water
All the gross Odwallas (but I love the good ones)
chocolate soy milk...my very berry therry hairy favorite

20) Current worry?
Oh fuck off and die.

21) Current hate right now?
Questions like #20...

22) What are you craving right now?
Seriously? Olive oil...a lot of it. Organic.
sleep, water and really really gross odwallas...like carrott juice. blah, ggggggg.

23) How did you bring in the New Year?
Had second Christmas with Chris and the girls...it was wonderful...and a bit scary.

24) Where would you like to be right now?
Watching Dumb and Dumber...don't ask. It's stupid. I need a fucking hug.

25) Name three people who will complete this?
No one...I'm all alone.

26) Do you own slippers?
Do my Puscifer slippers count? Godamn things are cursed...I can never find both of them.

27) What shirt are you wearing?
Blue silk tank top...heheheh. Great for yoga.

28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I would love to.

29) Can you whistle?
Sexy-like

31) Would you be a pirate?
I want yer booty.

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Classics like "Got money", "Sexual Eruption", "A milli", "Stuntin' is a habit", "Unfaithful", etc.

33) Favorite girl's name?
Nakomis...the eskimoooo.

34) Favorite boy's name?
Ephraim

35) what's usually in your pocket?
I wear skin-tight yoga pants...so nothing bitches.

36) Last thing that made you laugh?
Olive oil...hahahahehaha hah ha. ha...oh shit.

37) Best bed sheets as a child?
I probably had some sort of rainbow bright shiznit.

38) Worst injury you've ever had?
My shoulder still hurts from 2.5 years ago. Imagine that. I'm thinking Posterior deltoid...any takers???

39) Do you love where you live?
Eh. Whatever. If I could relocate everything I loved to somewhere where I didn't get this many wrinkles...I'd do it so fast.

40) How many TVs do you have in your house?
When I get my place...zero. Oh the fucking glory.

43) Does someone have a crush on you?
Eh, I don't give a flying fuck anymore.

44) Do you like them back?
When that happens, I'll know.

45) What is your favorite movie?
I really loved Little Miss Sunshine. That, yes, all the way.

46) What is your favorite sports team?
Who's got the best cheerleaders???

47) Where is your Favorite place to be?
With people. In yoga too.

48) Where is the next place you want to travel to?
Send me to a place where nothing is like here.

49) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
My last text was at 1030pm, so I think I was trying really hard to get some sleep. Probably wasn't going well...

50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Oh fuck.

The Sunday I had off

I'm sitting in the middle of my day.

My curfew was called last night. Well, my dad called last night. When I arrived home shortly after midnight, I came in silently. Tossed like a fucking salad for the whole rest of the night worried about one thing or another. Woke up to what is now quickly slipping through my fingers.

I crave comfort. Just feeling comfortable in my own skin. Having no one to answer to but myself and the greater. Nothing holding me back. Making decisions I may or may not be ready to make for myself. Sometimes we are afraid to make them fearing our lives will fall apart. It's the universe's biggest secret.

Part of me is happy here. Part of me needed the guidance. Part of me needs the constant parental attention. Part of me loves being here when my brother is home and spending this day with the person who gives my life meaning.

Then there is that other part of me. That well known part. That unprofessional, sloppy, silly, wild, gutter-minded, feisty, crazy fiend that knows full well that if I'm pinned down for too long I'll start to lose my identity again. I'm dangerous when I'm let out. I break and use and destroy to appease that part of me. As much and as full as it wants, it gets...feeds like I fucking animal. People, ideas, places, ritual, selfishness.

I came here...to this place inside myself, by myself to learn something. To hear something. To sit and to wait. But I keep going. I keep on going. I can't sit. I'm not alone yet. I'm careful. Not careful enough. I'm already using and destroying and breaking and I can feel it rising...my truth. I'm always a nice person....but I'm not always a good person.

The fire of betrayal and sin burns out of control beside the fire of loyalty and honor. They destroy each other and me along with them...in a haze. In the smoke I can see it beyond where I am. I am always traveling towards it, but it is elusive. Always seeming to get farther away as I come upon it.

All I see is me. All I see is my truth. And my truth is ugly. My truth is selfish and toxic. It feels so good. I let it consume me as I consume for it. To sustain it.

I am fucking human...and I have to accept that once and for all.

Yoga at Stone Age- It's what made my day beautiful

There are few things more rewarding in my day than to see people struggle. Just kidding. There are few things more rewarding in my day than to see people push their limits, if only just a little, to make a difference in their own lives.

I enjoy what I do. I enjoy yoga. I enjoy seeing people do yoga.

Facebook is a scary place to go right now

Kristen...

wishes she'd been five minutes later.
doesn't know what everyone's problem is, trying to tell her how to feel.
hurts all over.
doesn't know how to handle the facebook situation, but also knows it's the least of anyone's concerns.
wants you to know that her friend will never be worthy. BTW, did I tell you he has a truck?
says that you saw it before she did. Bravo.
misses Aldo already. What a good boy he was.
saw how drunk God's avatar was this afternoon.
isn't cancelling the book club. Oh God, they will hate me.
is afraid to lose him forever because of this.

The lock

I did this and it's not okay.

The calendar and the wine and my love were for you.

But no, not the blueberries.

I didn't lie. I didn't cheat. But I feel like I stole.

I'm sitting here with all my new found free time not knowing what to do. My students are frustrated, and I'm failing them.

Fire drill, quiz, stuttering, locked my keys in my office, I can't deal with myself. I wish I could run away from me.

Too fast. I'm making a bad decision. The right one?

I just sit and cry.

Having Lunch with My Mommy

It's my new pasttime.

Catching up

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I hope there are no small children subscribed to my blog
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

My Obsessions

My "something selfish"

Another list of the things that make me happy. Updated, revised, revisited, and supplimentary to the previous list:

1. Knowing all the words to not only good music, but all rap songs...especially the ones sung in Spanish.

2. Blogging- there is something fundamentally fun and selfish about writing about yourself, your life and poetry that is meaningless to anyone who isn't me.

3. Showers/Baths/heat

4. Teaching

5. Texting- there are so many things you can do and say over text that you would/could never do or say in person...

6. Running

7. Being absolutely balls out fucking crazy- life is somewhat easier when your friends have no idea how smart and professional you can be and your co-workers have no idea how many beavers there are in the beaver song. That's a good question.

8. The beaver song- there are 10 beavers in the beaver song...oddly enough there is no beaver 10.

9. Waiting all day for people to show up....but serious, Sarcasm.

10. Trouble.

The Hungarian

i lie down face up in the bathtub after a passionate conversation about irony, deviance, fire, beauty.

i feel nothing.

i am thinking like I did when i was happy...

that kind of happy I remember as happy. the difference is that i don't remember being sad. i remember being excited. discovering something shiny from within. something important. always looking to the future but enjoying the present as if it were an expensive wine.

i know sad. i know hurt. the difference was the absence of knowing. the naiveté. the daoist who doesn't know that she is one.

i submerge my face, my eyes, my ears, everything but my nose and mouth, but even they are just barely peaking. I want to be as inside of the water as i can be. drown the outside and hear from underneath.

I pull myself up.
A Beep and a Buzz...

The Hungarian is speechless, scared, but still does not trust. I had to trust. no fair.

freezing cold but i stay. beep buzz beep buzz constantly pulled from within from underneath from inside to experience more

The Hungarian is thankful. Yes. Understands what crazy means. drinks life like wine on a porch far away from here. goes there on a motorcycle.

i'm left to myself. challenging the fire closer to my home. i am beneath the water hearing what the water has to say.

And the Hungarian doesn't care. is hiding just as much. is ready to die.

I am far away. apparently I should have taken the bus. I was much healthier then...

i am not ready.

nor is the Hungarian...

Something shiny

He lies down on the shower floor with the water on.

He finds the shiny backing to my earring, tiny though it is.

Finds it lying there next to him, living the same fate. Waiting to be found.

Something shiny in the corner of his eye. Accidentally found.

He finds it by accident. Stumbles upon something important.

By accident.

I am gone. I am crawling around on my hands and knees staring at the blank gray carpet.

I was gone a long time ago.

I found that something shiny that I was looking for. I was looking on my hands and knees.

I couldn't find, try as I might, the other half.

The two are still apart. Though I know where each is.

I must lie down and wait for him to come looking for that small important shiny bit.

Be there or Be De-friended

I swear I'll cancel our facebook friendship if you don't come to my group classes.

Starting on September 12th, Stone Age Climbing Gym is hosting "Climb 8"...Eight days and nights of climbing.

It will be kicked off, so to speak, on Friday the 12th with a Stone Cup competition, live band, all the regular comp goodies/partayh, etc. Saturday and Sunday have their own promotions that are spectacular as well.

The EXCITING part starts on Monday the 15th.

8-9am Kristen is running a Pilates-Style Mat clinic

930-1030am Kristen is running a Yoga-Style Mat clinic

7-8pm Kristen is running another Yoga-Style Mat clinic

It gets BETTER! Jodi Coletta will be teaching also, Lance will be running his own clinics, and John and Ralph from ParkFit ABQ. will be doing kettle bell clinics. This all starts 730am so call for times!

16th will be ladies night...so ladies, get out there and rock it out.

On Wednesday morning we will start our NEW MEMBERS ONLY MORNING HOURS!

Classes start that morning.

Thursday I will be teaching a 7-8am Class (probably yoga)

Jodi will be teaching 9-10am Pilates

The week will finish off with a bang--check it out at Stone Age for WAY more information on what's going on ALL WEEK LONG.

AFTER THAT! Member only morning hours will continue. My group classes will be held:

7-8am Tuesday and Thursday AND Thursday evenings 530-630pm. There will be group classes by Jodi, Ralph and John Monday through Thursday mornings and evenings as well. ALL FREE FOR MEMBERS-Or pay day pass price. From now on!

Be there...

The Universe Smiles

My Universe is Smiling.

I Smile Back.

Just think...if I had actually trained...

I might have finished with Melanie? Maybe not, but I sure feel pretty good right now. Overall, Mel took 23 and I took 47 out of 146 women. Not too shabby if you ask me.

Socorro Chile Harvest Triathon
August 9, 2008

FEMALE AGE GROUP: 25 - 29
Place Name Age City/state Total Swim Trans1 Bike Trans2 Run Penalty No. ===== ========================== === =================== =========

1 Terry Moore 29 Las Cruces NM 1:08:44.1 5:50 1:19 36:07 0:47 24:45 23 2
Jamie Prochno 25 Albuquerque NM 1:11:55.6 7:36 1:26 38:29 0:49 23:38 100
3 Sara Eatman 26 Albuquerque NM 1:13:28.0 8:59 1:48 37:48 0:49 24:05 260
4 Melanie Locke 26 Albuquerque NM 1:13:58.6 6:46 1:50 39:17 1:25 24:44 366
5 Elisa Dimas 25 Albuquerque NM 1:21:24.5 8:16 1:54 41:33 1:51 27:53 154
6 Keri Burns 26 Thornton CO 1:21:49.5 10:37 1:41 41:38 1:03 26:52 252
7 Kristen Martinez 25 Albuquerque NM 1:22:47.4 9:14 2:15 43:18 1:26 26:37 220
8 Danielle Deupree 28 Alamogordo NM 1:23:01.0 8:08 2:36 41:39 1:22 29:19 192
9 Karen Lovato 28 Elephant Butte NM 1:26:43.5 9:33 3:15 42:59 0:54 30:06 303
10 Leslie Foltz 25 Albuquerque NM 1:28:10.3 9:35 2:21 42:40 1:54 31:44 261
11 Kate McCalmont 26 Gallup NM 1:28:18.2 8:46 2:38 45:23 1:35 29:59 203
12 Canisha Martin 28 El Paso TX 1:28:20.3 7:01 1:52 47:23 0:57 31:09 110
13 Nicolette Sigmon 27 Albuquerque NM 1:32:20.7 7:54 2:20 47:31 1:35 33:03 66
14 Christina Ortega 26 El Paso TX 1:32:31.6 9:05 1:41 47:48 1:17 32:42 294
15 Sheila Hickman 27 Albuquerque NM 1:36:00.5 10:31 2:53 51:23 1:50 29:27 354
16 Tiffany West-Schaub 27 Albuquerque NM 1:43:32.0 15:06 2:08 49:13 1:22 35:45 336
17 Courtney Benefiel 27 Rio Rancho NM 1:55:46.5 14:57 3:29 53:33 2:06 41:43 367


So, to make that easier to read:
Total time: 1:22:47.4
Swim time (400m pool): 9:14
Transition 1: 2:15
Bike time (40k): 43:18
Transition 2: 1:26
Run time (5k): 26:37

BTW, I think # 15 was a cheerleader...

Hooray for Boobies

Aside from being a great name for an album, it is also something I said yesterday...and meant, of course. That dollar that had been waiting in my purse to be donated...went to boobies. Well, it went to the Susan K. Koman fund for breast cancer. Just thought I'd letcha know. Thank you to whoever dropped their dollar. Thank you Aaron for being that kind of unique.

I'm no Batman

New Friend (Random Story)

There are five different trainers at Sports and Wellness that I have been shadowing for the summer to complete my internship. One of them is Aaron. For the last couple of weeks, every time I have come in to shadow him, somehow his clients decide not to show up...and never called him. This has happened four times now. One time, it was twice in a row. I need the hours, he has to be there...so we just hung out and talked shop. During one such conversation, he was telling me about the dollar that had been in the desk drawer for about a week now. Apparently he had found it on the floor and couldn't bring himself to pocket it...so he left it in the drawer. Said he didn't feel right taking it, even after a week. Aaron: 22, Personal Trainer/Student, fasts once a week, hates people who do crunches and/or attend night clubs. So yesterday, I took the dollar. Theoretically, the dollar went into buying him a frisbee and a set of three bouncy balls 'cause I thought it would be funny (came to .96 + tax)...the actual dollar, however, is in my purse...waiting to be given to charity. Don't I feel karmically balanced now?

New Juicer

I just read Skinny Bitch on the airplane on the way back from MD on Wednesday. On top of knowing that the authors are pretty darn right...I was feeling icky. My digestive tract has been giving me nightmares...SOOO, as everyone has seen on Facebook, I gave up high fructose corn syrup. Yesterday I spent way too much time and WAYY too much money on groceries, and a juicer. I've been eating salads, fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, and cut out milk and a lot of processed simple sugars. It has been about 2 or 3 days now and I feel like I just quit smoking. Except, I already don't miss the sugar. The change in how I feel is absolutely phenomenal. I challenge every single one of you to buy some oranges and a juicer today.

Citrus juicer from Target $20

Oranges (and other foods to make tummies happy) $170

Feeling like even if I had a million dollars it wouldn't make me as happy: priceless...

New Family

Speaking of MD (Maryland-my birthplace), I took my first trip in 7 years to see my mom's side. My granny is 80 and I just recently reconnected with some cousins on myspace and thus was put in touch with cousins I've never met. So I thought, what the heck. We'll be there, let's meet them. They're great. Rest of our family is a little crazy...but both my brother and I felt like we finally knew where we belong in this family. 'Cause believe me...it was hard to figure out before. There is a youtube of Rich doing some kind of funky chicken "drunk dance." Effing hilarious.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=38377158

Old Problems

So needless to say, after spending four days in a car, in a hotel, in a bed, on an airplane, at the park, with my snoring, loud, crazy, sometimes really crazy, extended and nuclear family...I got really tired of being around people. When I came home I was charged with taking over dog-sitting for the neighbors. Sleeping at my parents house, putting the dog in, taking the dog out, etc. In my eyes, this was my chance to decompress. All by myself. The neighbors put the dog in at 830pm and I felt bad getting in late and making them do it while I was in town. I did as much as I could, but having a life, just getting back to Abq., and having the girls still gone...it was hard to justify leaving home at 815pm to watch a dog. No hard feelings. It had nothing to do with anything but not being alone for any small amount of time for a long duration and being very sick of drama and people and getting zero sleep. I slept well at my parents house and all I had to worry about was my doggy. I ran with her and I played with her and I slept very well. For no other reason besides that I needed to. My body was finished with the way it was living. So, needless to say when I had the prospect of an open Sunday, I went grocery shopping. Alone. For my health. And I bought all the right things for me and my sanity...and all the wrong things for everyone else apparently. I've opened a new chapter on my life and on my outlook on my life. I'm weak. I can't take a lot of stress. I feel much better, but I've got a long way to go. I found some earplugs. Last night, they worked great. Slept well at home this time. Oh, and BTW...go see Batman. It rocked.

It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there...

It's hard to believe that, I'm all alone

At least I have her love...the city she loves me.

Lonely as I am...together we cry.


Life is full of loss. But in loss there is life...gain, beauty beyond that loss. Loss takes many shapes, as does beauty...they are shape shifters. With one loss you gain another. The first loss, be it painful, opens the veins to recieve beauty in ways we cannot perceive through the tears.

I wish I could have lived near him.
I wish I could have learned more.
I wish he had told me the truth.
We all knew the truth.
We never met
They loved her.
She was old.
He was a pushover.
He fought for us.
He should have gone a long time ago.
He should never have come into it.

I'm an not afraid
I will go beyond
I will destress
I do not know
I am in control
I am worried
For her
For us

Even now I cry for it...even now I am letting go of the stress...even now I am making my nest ready...even now I am completely alone.

But I am not afraid.
Nor should you be.

I love you

You are Beautiful

I thought the girls could use a little break from the stereotyping...

Self Help Awareness Week

My life has changed a lot in the past couple of weeks. Change comes faster and faster each day. I feel like I'm sheding that cocoon to take on another form. We are all in a process. We are always learning, creating, going somewhere. The thing most people forget is that it's up to you. I sometimes forget that the changes that are happening now are the result of some big decisions and a lot of hard work after that. There is more hard work, I'm welcoming it, to come from here on out.

I put in my two weeks notice at Mercedes Benz. Life feels odd once you know that the burden will be lifted. I'm really looking forward to making the change and working for CNM's fitness program. I'm grateful to be given the opportunaty to do this job. I just can't believe it.

My week vacation spent in North Carolina couldn't have been more perfect and came at the perfect time. It was my first real vacation...ever. And definately my first from MB. You don't have a clue how stress ruins your ability to live fully until you get out from under it to see a much nicer, calmer, more beautiful world. Jessica, you had a lot to do with this vacation going so well. I miss you already and I hope the rest of your time spent at Duke (and in NC) is all that you want it to be. Thank you for my stress free week.

And the week started as soon as I got back. Thanks to everyone who understood that their special day was only 1/3 of a day. Thanks to everyone who re-adjusted their schedules to suit mine. Second interview today for an internship with Sports and Wellness. Interview tomorrow to run a little jumper class for toddlers and their parents.

All I'm saying is that if you want it, you can have it. I'm saying that if you need a change, change it. It's definately easier said than done, but not impossible. Just remember that what you are experiencing now is a direct result of your work in the past (and present). Think about the things you do today and how "future you" will feel about what you are doing. Don't miss out on life.

I feel good about some things, great about others, like hell about still more, and very in love. For right now, I feel secure in what I do know, what I am, and that change is inevitable. I just have to influence it in the right direction. For the first time in my life I have a direction. I chose it.

See past blogs

I wrote a new blog but for some reason it decided that it was going to hide itself behind some other blogs...so if you want to read a new (and I think, good) blog...go back a few until you reach the one you think you haven't read. I think you'll be happy you did :). Love you all!

Kristen

To Do List: April

1. Enjoy as much time with the girls as I can before one of them gets married and the other one goes on tour. (I don't know which one either)

2. Ask their mother for some time with them on her weekend so that I can take them to a behind the scenes, participatory performance at Wise Fool in Santa Fe.

3. Hand in my research paper on Obesity in Children while reading "The Obesity Myth" and working on three take-home tests and a book report.

4. Study for my four hours of written testing and two hours of practical fitness assessment testing. Including re-doing all of my homework and working on a case study.

5. Get on my !little flipping monkies! bike at least a few times before my triathlons in May. (with little monkey cymbals!)

6. Make a big pan of lasagna. MMMmmmmm, left overs.

7. Dr. App. on the 9th.

8. App. with Dr. G on the 16th and 30th.

9. Go get one of those amazing monokinis from Victoria's Secret...too bad the amazing body doesn't come with it...pft. Speaking of...gotta work on that too.

10. Register for summer school. Internship here I come! and A&P is going down!

11. Put together a proposal for an early morning fitness program at Stone Age for Bryan's review.

12. Work, work, and work some more :).

13. Don't forget to work your ass off.

14. And get to the gym at least twice if not thrice per week.

15. Go to Defined Fitness! Must see what a real gym looks like! And pick up an application.

16. Don't forget to breath...and get ready for May :)

Run Away- A poem about running away

Run away with your feet and feel the ground underneath them
plowing earth getting it ready for sowing seeds
the seeds that will be ready tomorrow

but you won't be here tomorrow will you little red fox?
because you're running away

Run away to a place you don't belong
run away to a place you don't fit in
run to places with faces and teeth that grin

Stay little red fox Wait until your seeds grow
wait until their little veins and leaves and roots are strong enough to go with you

But you won't stay you must go
go to places where noone from where you were will tip you with dollars
where noone will remember what you said to them or did to them
Running away Following behind Wanting to help Wanting to find

Grow, do, be, whistle, and be free

You can't run from money little red fox
You can't run far
You can't run just because you're insecure little fox
Stay where you are.

Little red fox you just don't get it
The healthiest running is done going forward, not away from

Chewing the fat

Last weekend was our Body Composition lecture. Not exactly scary, but I was nervous. Body composition is basically a way of dividing the human body into Fat Mass and Fat Free Mass. Not an exact science but when your scores compared to the "norms", it puts you in percentile in relationship to everyone else in your age and gender groups.

In class, each person's skin (or fat) folds on different sites on the body were measured with skin fold calipers. Today in my Women in Weight Training class, body composition came up again. Before today, I hadn't even plugged my numbers into the equations to look at my "scores." I suddenly felt the need to know what my scores were because, and get this, I was feeling self conscious about not being able to swim this week.

I thought by knowing my scores, I would put this to rest...I'm not fat, in fact, I would have thought that I was in fairly good shape in relationship to the rest of America. I'm in the 50th percentile. That means I'm average. I'm in better shape than 50% of people in America.

What happened to the obesity epidemic? What happened to "oh, she's the athletic one...she doesn't have to worry about fat" ??? Yeah, even though it was never true that I never had to worry about fat, but 50th percentile? Average. Damn it, I 've always been average.

I don't even know why it bothers me. I have a feeling that I won't be suggesting this inexact and degrading science to any of my future clients. I thought that because I'm in fairly good shape, not exactly fat, I would have scored higher. Knowing my scores just makes me feel bad. I feel the need to lose weight...and not in a good way.

The ramifications of this are huge. I know what body weight I feel comfortable at, I know how hard it is to get to and maintain. I don't necessarily need to lose any significant amount of weight, and doing so may even be detrimental to my health. Imagine if I performed these equations on my low-self-esteem clients who don't have that background of knowing how to lose weight in a healthy, meaningful way. Bad news.

As much as I think I could be a motivational force and source of knowledge for my clients, everyone is ultimately going to do what they want. No matter how much knowledge I give them, everyone wants a quick fat loss cure. That, my friends, does not exist. Not longer term. Not healthy.

April showers bring May flowers...what does April wind bring?

Doctor Goodman and I have been talking a lot about what makes us who we are. Are the things you do who you are? Is what you like and dislike who you are? Is being a nice person a good way to explain who someone is?
I explained to him that for a long time I didn't want to climb and that was a bit disconcerting. I figured that it wasn't climbing that made me who I am, it's the fact that I like to be active. Instead of climbing, I had taken up triathlons. They're a lot of work, and really fun. The fact is, if I had stopped being active all together, I think people would have been worried.
That said, I went climbing last night and it was great.
My friend Michela used to love to read. You name it (and it was controversial or interesting) and she had already read it. Day, night, rain, shin, title wave, she would be reading. And although I didn't exactly classify Michela as a "reader" I was surprised when she said she hadn't picked up a book in who-knows-how-long. But still, there are certain things that make Michela Michela. She stands out among others, she is unique.
If you gave me a transcript of a phone conversation between two of my friends, with no names, no voices, I really believe that I would be able to tell who they were. Because they are different. But why? What makes them so?
I didn't get the CNM position. But it was between me and the person who got the job...out of 10 people.
Today I interviewed with Gold's Gym as a Personal Trainer. I think I may have asked him more questions than he asked me. Another attempt at breaking into a future more fitting to who I am.
Who am I? I told the good Doc I didn't know.
I'm really excited about the hotel we're staying at in Boulder for the "Tri For Your Cause" triathlon on May 4th. It's Boulder's first "No waist" hotel, it has a free-standing top-out boulder, a no-chlorine pool and I picked it because of the cool picture on google.
Stay little red fox. Wait until your seeds grow. Until the roots and veins and leaves are strong enough to go with you.
I think I've convinced Chris to come up with the girls that weekend. I hate going without them. It feels wrong. Terra's birthday is May 1st. 13 years old. I think Boulder's climbing gyms and fresh air will be fun for them.
I hate my job. Cassia keeps congratulating me for quitting, though I haven't. I feel bad. I'm having a hard time finding a place with health insurance. I'm dependent. I need it. It's 4pm. I just have to make it an hour and a half. This job, this place, these people are not who I am.
I put in for vacation from the 5-10th to go see Jessica, my BFF from high school/college in North Carolina. I can't wait to see water. I can't wait to see her. Can you characterize yourself by the company you keep? There is evidence for it.
Is it the things that you find exciting? Right now I'm excited about a member survey I wrote up for Stone Age. I made a box and everything. I could hardly speak last night, I was so excited. It will give me an idea of how to be useful at Stone Age. How to start my career. How to open my wings. I know, one damn survey and I'm suddenly Bette Midler (Wind beneath my wings).
It's always nice to be recognized. I just opened an email forwarded to me by my Fitness Instructor. He wrote it to a gym manager who I would love to work for. He described me to this manager as "She is book smart with very good people skills." Yep, that's me :). I do appreciate that one :). In that same vein, I really appreciate all of my friends. I really care about all of you. If you can classify yourself by the company you keep then I'm damn awesome.

In no order of importance, here is a list of the ways in which I see my friends. I don't think that people tell their friends often enough how much they are loved.

Chris- you brilliant, deep, strong, caring fool, you. You somehow have the strength to go right on finding good nature in man and dog alike. And cheers to your beautiful parenting. Thanks for feeding and watering me :). Thanks for letting me be whoever the hell I am. I love you for exactly who you are. If only I understood any part of what you understand.

Angela- I don't know who would come up with party ideas if you weren't around. I'm so happy to have a UTI buddy. Thanks for all the advice and the living space. PS. I know you're a triathlete at heart even though you've been busy. Keep up the stiff upper lip soldier.

Melanie- I was just talking about you the other day. How you somehow always have something nice to say that can keep me from feeling like the world hates me. I appreciate you getting out of bed to come kick my ass in the pool. You throw killer dinners. It has been a pleasure getting to know you, my Canadian friend.

Tim- Thanks for making Melanie happy. Thank you for having interesting things to say when we get past the "hitting on" thing. I know you don't mean it.

Beth- God you're cool. One of the sweetest people I know. So mellow. So fun at parties. And good at making faces in Aaron's photos.

Aaron- an intricately designed brain that is both creative and destructive. Hmm, that's the makings of some good art. Thank you for laughing at me. Someone needs to do it. Maybe our psychological underpinnings don't make us who we are, but they certainly make us think about who we are. Thank you both for being strong.

Priscilla- made from the same damn scrap of fabric, we are. Scrappy girl who is trying to make something of herself to prove that she can overcome adversity. Funny as hell. I'm in stitches every time you come into my office and tell me stories only a receptionist can tell. Thank you for being a role model to your brother and sister. Thank you for making this place bearable.

Cynthia- wisdom comes in many forms. Like a phoenix rising from some beautiful flame, somehow you always have the answers I'm looking for. Spiritual guidance from a fellow red-head. Thank you for letting me confide in you.

Cassia- I enjoy taking you to school so much. I want to buy you a world full of things to nurture your future so you don't end up hating people. I can't. Young, creative, hungry for knowledge and experience, tolerant. You hold too much in for such a young girl. Thank you for making my life rich.

Terrapin- You are really turning out to be something wonderful. I got to watch you go from baby soccer nerd to Miss popular two-tone-hair-in-front-of-my-eye I'm-so-cool. And you're still a good kid. Amazing. Smart, catches onto every move so quickly, so sensitive, hungry for permanence. Thank you for accepting me into your home.

Kyle- I love you more than I love myself. We may look nothing alike but we're exactly the same. You'll be fine. You will find your way. It's nice to have the best inside jokes with someone. Hilarious, great taste in music, stubborn. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for only being a little embarrassed by me.

Jessica- We've had our ups...we've had our downs. I'm glad you are who you are today, but I'm still glad you were the person you were. You and I have both grown up a lot. Let's not make some of those same mistakes again. You rock.

I love my food bowl

I guess jealousy is considered an unattractive quality. The thing is, I really love my food bowl. If you had a top-of-the-line food bowl like mine you'd be interested in "protecting" it too. Now, I understand that standing around my food bowl is a big no no and is actually unnecessary, impractical...there is simply no need nor is there a want to do such a silly thing. But I do love my food bowl very much. Shiny, pretty, holds lots of water and food...there when I need it, dependable, reliable...good ol' food bowl. Really, I would call it being proud of my food bowl more than jealousy. I plan to take care of my so loved food bowl for a long time. You're jealous of my food bowl, I can tell ;).

DayQuil

Ah the joys of being sick with the flu at work. My periferal vision keeps clouding with colorful spots and I have to shake them out every once in a while. I feel somewhat drunk. I couldn't remember a password that I type at least twice a day, and for about two years now. Heating pad on my lap with nothing to do. Five phone calls, a handful of emails, two thank you cards, two deals. Not much. So tired. And I'll be here for about 9 hours (supposed to be 10) but I can't make it 10. Even the wet, foggy, gray outside calls me from my glass office. The germs infesting every inch of my keyboard and all the holes in my phone. Water in my glass no more. I'm so tired. There are those spots again. Wiggle Wiggle. The coughing has quieted but the pain is still there. In my back, in my legs. So much waisted time. I'm hourly and my DINOSAUR MONKEY FOOT is waiting for me. I need sleep. Thank you DayQuil for not bogging down my mind, keeping me less foggy, on task, focused...a winner. I can't fall asleep. Two more hours. And the rain calls to me. I'm so cold. So hot. Need water. It's not raining.

Alright, so I lied

Okay, maybe lied is a strong word. I had lost my faith. I have faith. I have faith that Chris will have his chapter ready for publication by Friday. I have faith that he can make all of his deadlines. It's something I do not worry about because I know that he is capable. I have faith. Hey, I don't have faith in much, so when I do, I just know.

Damn I need a bunny

Look at those little things. Their so fluffy and silly. I want one. But Aldo would eat it and I can't handle such things. My love for the bunnies precludes me from owning one at this time as I love them too much to see them get eaten. Boo. I love them so. I want free range bunnies. Oh, so happy. Really, to the point of giddiness.

No Faith

There may be no such thing.

I found out something aweful today. It confirmed the way I have felt since the beginning. But she's wrong. It's not that he doesn't take the time to get over his losses, he keeps them with him...forever. He will never "get over" "it". Or "them". He will always be married.

I won't, shouldn't, and can't "fill" a spot. People can't replace people. They are irreplaceable.

I shouldn't be here. Is this why I still feel homeless? Is this why I can't ever get there...to that place?

Shit. I should have known.


I did know.

Aside from the Boba...which I weep for even now...

I signed up for two more triathlons in May and I'm planning at least four this year if they are all a go. Two of them look like they may not happen this year. This Saturday I'm going to look for cars with my mom. I took off of work this weekend. Hopefully I'll find something. I need to start working seven days a week. My lifestyle is expensive :). Yeah. I payed, collectively, up until now, almost $200 to be a part of these triathlons. This doesn't include getting there, staying there, CHO loading there, climbing there...the list is mind numbing. Then there is my travel fund, my need to "help others," my eating habit, etc. Yet another mind numbing list.

I finally have a home but for some reason I still don't feel home. It's something I have battled with since I moved out of my Mom and Dad's home. It's not that their home feels any more like my home than anywhere else, but it has been my most perminent home. I still get my mail there. Probably always will. Well, for as long as it's feasable anyway. I still have boxes at Rachel's, I still feel guilty that my room is still only half painted over, I'm still paying rent at Angela's. It isn't home. It still feels temporary. For whatever reason. I want an office. I don't even really know what I'd do with it...only, it would be mine. Mine and noone else's. Something I didn't have to share. Only if I wanted to. And I would have boba. Lot's of it. And a fucking bunny.

I think the farm thing could work. As long as I have my office, my boba, and my fucking bunny...oh, and my career.

The best things in life are (not free):

My brother
My family
Chris
Terra & Cassia
My bunny
My dog
My triathlons
Boba (it makes me happy damn it)
My doctor
Training
My heart rate

I didn't get my fucking boba.

I didn't get my fucking boba. I payed $4.22 cents for that green tastless shit without my fucking boba. God damn it. I wanted that. I needed it. It really would have made me happy.

If this day were mine

If this day were mine I'd paint a second coat of primer on my red-no-more walls.

If this day were mine I'd take my beautiful bike out for a long spin (or even a short one at home on the trainer).

If this day were mine I'd eat breakfast wherever and stay there until whenever.

If this day were mine I'd swim for two hours.

If this day were mine I'd read my crisp brand new book.

If this day were mine I'd be putting together my 20 Pilates routine for my class.

If this day were mine I'd be doing Pilates.

If this day were mine I'd be teaching Pilates to a bunch of mini chinnies.

If this day were mine I'd be anywhere but here.

If this day were mine I'd be climbing with Chris.

If this day were mine I would make a nice dinner that took way too long.

If this day were mine I'd see my brother and give him his gift.

If this day were mine I would be in line at the Post Office to turn in my passport application and swear my oath.

If this day were mine I would shop for V-day presents for the girls and my brother.

If this day were mine I'd go speak to the woman sitting in her office at the art department at UNM.

This is my day. I chose to work for money. I chose to get on a bus and get off at the correct stop. Tomorrow and the next day and the next...Tonight I will choose a different future. Someday, my day will be what I want and not always what I desperately need.

I'm Sprinting

Im sprinting.

Last night was the first time I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So today, I started sprinting for it. All out, everything I have. Until I'm exhausted; until there's no more left to give...and then I'll give again

and again

and again.

An all out effort. Make it past this and keep running.

A far cry

Fire me?

I couldn't tell her.
She kept asking and I couldn't give her an answer.
She would have had to fire me right then and there if I had.
I couldn't tell her. I need the job.

I need it because of health insurance
I need it to pay my bills
I need it because it has flexible hours
I need it because I can't afford not to
I need it because this time I want to be mature...

I'm in trouble.
I'm in big trouble.
I am in serious trouble.

I can't tell her that every day I wake up sick to my stomach at the thought of going.
I can't tell her that I hate it more than I've ever hated before.
I can't tell her that I'm sick of them and their ethics.
I can't tell her that what they did to me was wrong. It's over.
I can't tell her that I've been looking for better since I've been here.
I can't tell her that all I want to do is find some way out.

I can't. There is no way out. I need it.
I'm in so much trouble.

I must find a way to make the feelings go away. I must find a circular motivation that keeps me alive at this place I feel souless for.

Please help me.

There is no excuse-It's January...no room for mistakes.

I'm writing this today with the assumption that no one will read this today...and possibly for a while. I'm safe for now.

Every time I read a bit of Chris's blog tears well up in my eyes causing my vision, truthfully and metaphorically, to blur. I usually pull myself away from him in order to get the perspective I want when I read it. A perspective of a friend instead of someone who shares his bed. It's easier that way. This time, even as a friend, and maybe because he means more to me as a friend than I thought, I couldn't help but feel connected. Deeply. To the words, the thread, the thought pattern, the beauty of the simple, pure meanings.

As I sit here at work thinking too deeply about how miserable I make myself under my present circumstances, I can't help but feel selfish in some small way. As if where I was a year ago was somehow much nicer a place than where I am now.

I'm thinking about who I was when I was Chris's friend and the differences that becoming his girlfriend has brought. I'm much different. One thing that hasn't changed since he told me that his girlfriend in England "wasn't the one" is that I couldn't bear to see him with anyone else. Ironically, I was the one who flaunted my dates at him as some sort of shield. A shield from the way I was feeling about him.

In my Christmas card this year, he wrote that I have made him happy in 2007. I think again about the misery I've brought myself by wallowing in self pity over a job I'm half-heartedly surviving through and I can't help but wonder if he really means that. Can I, have I...been the person I meant to be for him...for me? I want to think that this last year has been well spent but it feels like more of a transitional phase, like a larval or caterpillar-to-butterfly sort of thing.

This makes me feel somewhat less selfish but no less worried. I know intrinsically how much I love him, how much I would do for him if I weren't so wrapped up in this cocoon.

When I met him and in the ensuing months, I fell in love with being around him. I wanted nothing more than to be in his presence, to climb, to laugh, to drink, to go to concerts with his girls, to text until midnight and every morning, to just be.

He gives me something that no one else can.

I feel sick. I feel bad. I feel like me...but not the me that made me who I am and who I remember at some point that I was. By letting myself down I feel as though I've let him down. Don't fall behind on anything or you will risk falling behind on everything.

It's hard to focus on two people when you've never even been able to focus on one before. I'm miserably bad at this.

School, family, family, family, school, work, work, home, cleaning, moving, studying, loving, sleeping....no room for mistakes, just room for improvement.

Words to Live by

It might be sad that I find my "words to live by" in songs with misspelled titles and from bands with strange names but they gotta come from somewhere right?

Changes come
Keep your dignety
Take the high road
Take it like a man...

-Momma Sed, V is for Vagina, Puscifer

I will not sleep

Wracking the brain
wracking the body

looking searching
not finding

answers

it's not like I didn't have it together
it's not like I was thinking horrible thoughts

But the adrenaline floats in my blood as if it were invited...

An unwelcomed guest
One who is relentless
One who will not be cast out by thoughts of puppy dogs and hugs and Justin Timberlake songs

Every one worse than the last

It is somehow controlling itself
Growing cooling pumping heating grabbing twisting fucking with me

I wish I could spit in its face...but I can't
All I see is me my body my face

I'm somehow not understanding how any of this started
How to get away from it

It holds me close by making me cold
and trapped

I'm tired and I can't see the way

It haunts me even now, not waiting for a weak moment, it already has me
it's breath hot on my neck shooting its spray of anxiety hormones into my
bloodstream so that it is always there always with me

I will not sleep

Dear Baby Jesus,

Thank you for thy bounty. Thank you for your blessings. Please Dear Baby Jesus, save me from being stupid like the people I deal with every day. In the name of Dear Baby Jesus,

AMEN

Many More Unexpected Gifts

This New Year's was even more different than this Christmas was. Much more fun than many of the ones before it and I got to spend it with some of my favorite people. And we didn't call it New Years....We called it NewChristYearMasNes because well, this was our Christmas/New Years with the girls. And boy was it packed with some unexpected pleasures.

Some of them were unexpected because of what has been expected in the past. Chris was ultra stressed on NewChristMasYearNess Eve expecting that he wouldn't have nearly enough presents for everyone. Well, not only were there enough, we went late in the day opening them and it seemed that (present company included) everyone got what they wanted. Ski lessons...rock.

Some of them were gifts that I didn't think I would get. A really warm cozy blanket that I had been eyeing from Cass, my golden luck cat with a moving arm, and a toothpick bird. It was so awesome.

Some were filled with old memories and tears. Kate sent the girls some awesome presents including pjs and itunes credits and a few other little things prefaced with cards telling them how much she loved them. Terra couldn't keep it together. And I don't blame her.

Some of them were beautiful because I'm finally a part of the crowd. Chris's Mom and Dad got me some really pretty opal earrings.

Some of them were wholly unexpected and will bring about change in the new year. The whole thing was set up creatively and in a way that was really sweet. Between two cards I found that I was receiving a dresser for Chris's home and that I was invited to stay as a resident. Today I gave Racheal my month's notice.