The Sunday I had off

I'm sitting in the middle of my day.

My curfew was called last night. Well, my dad called last night. When I arrived home shortly after midnight, I came in silently. Tossed like a fucking salad for the whole rest of the night worried about one thing or another. Woke up to what is now quickly slipping through my fingers.

I crave comfort. Just feeling comfortable in my own skin. Having no one to answer to but myself and the greater. Nothing holding me back. Making decisions I may or may not be ready to make for myself. Sometimes we are afraid to make them fearing our lives will fall apart. It's the universe's biggest secret.

Part of me is happy here. Part of me needed the guidance. Part of me needs the constant parental attention. Part of me loves being here when my brother is home and spending this day with the person who gives my life meaning.

Then there is that other part of me. That well known part. That unprofessional, sloppy, silly, wild, gutter-minded, feisty, crazy fiend that knows full well that if I'm pinned down for too long I'll start to lose my identity again. I'm dangerous when I'm let out. I break and use and destroy to appease that part of me. As much and as full as it wants, it gets...feeds like I fucking animal. People, ideas, places, ritual, selfishness.

I came here...to this place inside myself, by myself to learn something. To hear something. To sit and to wait. But I keep going. I keep on going. I can't sit. I'm not alone yet. I'm careful. Not careful enough. I'm already using and destroying and breaking and I can feel it rising...my truth. I'm always a nice person....but I'm not always a good person.

The fire of betrayal and sin burns out of control beside the fire of loyalty and honor. They destroy each other and me along with them...in a haze. In the smoke I can see it beyond where I am. I am always traveling towards it, but it is elusive. Always seeming to get farther away as I come upon it.

All I see is me. All I see is my truth. And my truth is ugly. My truth is selfish and toxic. It feels so good. I let it consume me as I consume for it. To sustain it.

I am fucking human...and I have to accept that once and for all.