You Remember Last Semester...?

Right? Well then brace yourself. In two weeks, beginning January 14th, my next sememster starts, and with it comes the new stressers. I'm just looking fondly over my seemingly impossible schedule and came to the same conclusion I did when I started the program. I don't know where it went, but I had a tiny slip of paper at my desk on which was written: "Don't fall behind on anything, or you'll fall behind on everything." Thus, work as hard as you can to get the results you want. I'm half way there. Here is my tenative schedule for next semester. Keep this in mind when you call me...for anything:

Manic Monday: 530am Running, Bike in to work by 8am and leave on my bike (my beautiful, wonderful, amazingly awesome bike :)) at 430pm, at CNM for Nutrition from 530-950pm. Stay at Angela's humble abode.

Tenacious Tuesday: Rise and shine 6am to be in the pool by 630am. Weight training for women from 930-1050am and then another beautiful bike ride to work by 1130 spending 4.5 hours at work only to bike back to school by 530 for Group Leadership (which will thankfully end in 1.5 months). Back at Angela's.

Waggish Wednesday: Up and Adam to run at 530am. To work by bike from 8-430, bike to school from 530-950 for Working with Special Populations. Angela loves me, I just know it.

Theatrical Thursday: Swim time at 630, Weight Training from 930-1050, biking North to work for 6.5 hours from 1130-6pm. Finally reunite with my long lost boyfriend for some climbing, anything, just as long as I get to see him.

Friggin Friday: It's taken 25 min. just to write this week out. To work from 7-530 for a total of 10 hours today and hopefully a weekly total of 38 hours just barely eeked out.

Satirical Saturday: We're not done. Back to CNM from 8-1220 for Fitness Assessment. Work at Stone Age until they fire me for falling asleep under the heat lamp at the front counter. Saturday snuggling...gotta save up.

Strung out Sunday: We're counting our eggs before they hatch on this one. I am expecting a call from the JCC any day now. Wish me luck on landing an externship and getting the honor to work there 7 hours per week. They are in fact open on Sundays.

Chris says we can make it through this. And we can. Since I don't believe in hoping, only working/doing, I'll be reading all of my text books before classes even begin. You think I'm kidding. And to all of those who knew about my other blog of class notes...I'll be keeping that up too. If anyone would like to join me in my running, swimming, tea drinking, or would like to peel me off of the ceiling once a week to meditate, please please please respond, call me, anything. I'll need the help...one more time.

The lady of spring

Peaceful Spring by Philip Matthews

If you have ever wondered what is going through my mind at any moment, seeing the world flicker by in my eyes, watching my emotions flash through my face and fly like pizzas around the room...

This photo captures where my mind wants to be. At peace. It is the pinicle of the culmination of everything I think. Think of my thoughts as lights. As my brain adds more and more light, it gets whiter and whiter. The goal is to have so many lights as to not be able to see any one of them as an individual light but to experience them as peace.

Whether it be at a beach, or in a field, or in the snow, the lady is my mind on a clear day. When all the lights add up to white.

Hope and Faith

I read a nifty little thing about the difference between hope and faith. It simply read "Hope is desperation, faith is relaxation." I concur.

Unexpected gifts

This is the time of year to see family, to celebrate the birth of an important historic and cultural figure, and to suprise friends and family with momentos of affection. Some people go overboard with presents, some people forget, some people know just what to get their loved ones, and some people need a lot of help. This year has been different for me. My presents have always been thoughtful, but this year I feel particularly good about the presents I have picked out. However, there is something else different about the gift giving this year...The sheer kindness of others; their thoughtfulness has touched me deeply. It seems as though there is an underlying feeling of how much we appreciate each other, which seems deeper and richer than years before. Does this happen as people get older? Or is it something I've changed in the way I view the people around me? Is my love growing with my growing sense of the world?

Sometimes the gift is from someone you didn't expect. This morning one of the salesmen that I haven't been speaking to gave me a gigantic triple chocolate bar from Spain. It made me sad that I didn't deserve it, but I thanked him from the bottom of my heart.

Sometimes the gift isn't for you at all. Cynthia, the receptionist, donated a sheep in my name through Heifer International to a family in a different country. I've wanted to do something nice for people in need but have been so engaged in my own life that I haven't yet. This just makes me feel good about existing.

Sometimes it is a gift to someone else, from someone else. I got Estee some plants for our office. Chris is funny. Sees a romance novel and buys it for her as his gift. Best present ever. She was like, "I love these, I used to read them all the time and this looks like a good one, but, why did he think of this?" I asked him by text and he replies, "It goes so well with the plants." Lol.

Sometimes it was the thought that counts. I took Cass and Terra out to get gifts for their loved ones. The first place we went was the place their father had explicitly asked them not to go because that was what they were going to get for me. I bought heated pillows for their mom, their aunt, and some for us. He was a good salesman. When asked by their father what the heck? they replied "what were we supposed to do, tell her she couldn't buy them?" he said "YES." I told him that they had actually encouraged me to buy them and had fought over the colors. Ah well. I'm enjoying my presents :).

Some are creative and unique. Noone can do it like the Canadians, ay? Melanie actually got Chris and I what we asked for. I asked for a mounty and Chris asked for a polar bear, and while they are inanimate fuzzy little mini versions, they don't take nearly as much food and space. Thanks for the beaver mounty and Chris takes every chance he gets to play with his reversable beaver bear. Nice.

Sometimes it isn't a material gift at all. Spending time with the girls has been a real treat. Shopping with them, while frustrating with the crowds, was really fun. I got to take them out, just the girls, for the first time. I have really appreciated my time not only with them (it feels few and far between) but also with Chris. I could be anywhere, at work, hanging out with friends, wanting to be at home with him instead. And my family, as much as it frustrates me that I don't get to be an adult with them, I appreciate that they want me close. They need me and I need them. I don't like being so far away from my brother and it gets harder with each passing year.

Some of them are little bundles of joy. Granted and rightly, none of them are mine, but God bless all the little ones born this year. So many of our friends have been blessed this year and I've been really excited for all of them. They are all really beautiful babies.

This year feels different to me. It certainly has to do with finally having Chris this year, and wrapping gifts with Cassia, and texting with Terra, finding my place in my family, and doing alright financially, but there is an overall theme this time. Growing up. I'm in the midst of making myself. More responsiblility, more stress, more love, more understanding, more becoming, more ability, more autonomy, more words that need to be said, more things expected from me, more I want to take on, more looking forward to a new year and a new beginning, more friends, more life. What more could I ask for?

In the mind of the squirrel... in the eye of the wrath

http://www.friendsoffoamy.com/index.php?id=148

Quality ranting from a fellow squirrel. I agree.

So, if I could wish whatever I wanted...I'd probably go on a trip...but the second thing would be making smokers breath their fiery death away from me so that I can breath normal air. I don't even care if they choose to kill themselves...well, some people...but do it away from me and then stay away from me for the rest of the Godamn day. You smell awful. And it brings back bad memories of being proposed to with an ash ring. This next rant says it all.

http://www.friendsoffoamy.com/index.php?id=353

In other squirrel-fish thought provoking thoughts:

Today someone asked me if my email was spelled with a "kay like cat or kay like kathy?" Say that one out loud.

All Christmas shopping and much of my wrapping is over. Yippee!!! What next? It was fun with the girls. And we don't have the girls. And my mom is acting like a 5 year old. Why can't I have peace in my life?

My client who I spent hours on the phone with and promised to buy two cars will no longer return my phone calls.

If you fry tortillas and sprinkle cinnamon sugar on top...it tastes like heaven clouds.

Thank you Chris for saving me from biking in this morning. Although it would have made up for all the heaven clouds I ate today...

I wonder why I hate cold so much yet so love winter sports.

I want my ornaments. Christmas doesn't feel the same without them.

The receptionist did something extremely nice for us all this year. She donated a sheep in my name (and some others) to a needy family in another country. Fascinating. Makes me feel good for existing. It's a really wonderful gift.

My grades for the semester were good and I'm supposed to be contacting the JCC for an interview to intern there next semester. Wish me luck.

Are faith and hope the same thing?

I ran into Damon's sister. You know, the only thing I kept thinking was that she was going to yell at me. But she was very nice. Now I regret not asking how her other brother Darrell is...no, I'm not joking. Around this time last year he was in the hospital with cancer. He had just gotten married a few months before. Last time I talked to Damon he was pissed, but I asked him how his brother was...and he wouldn't tell me. Next time I see her I'll ask.

Which brings me to marriage. It's there for the bad times. Not the bad times between you, the bad times in your life. You know you have someone there who loves you and will support you. Granted, you have to marry the right person, it doesn't always work out this way.

I really don't think I'll vote for someone because they are a woman or a hispanic person or not vote for someone just because he is an old white guy. It's an amazing thing to see the diversity and that says a lot for how far we've come, but I want to vote for someone who will be able to fix the leaks brought on by the current administration.

Pretty much my life has been reduced to lists. I can't help it. It's been so long since the last blog that I felt it necessary to list off the things I'd missed instead of say anything of importance. Ah, I'll save that for next time.

Some people just shouldn't open their mouths

So, I know I rant often, maybe too frequently. However, this time, I'd like to take the time to rant in someone else's defense rather than in my own. Wednesday night, same old, same old. Leave work 3:30pm. Walk to the bus. 3:46pm and the bus is off, headed toward Central. Normal bus stuff. I'm the only one on the bus, then their are two, then ten, there are a few seats left, and then standing room only. Today, the bus was no more crowded than it ever was, even though I myself was getting a little hot and uncomfortable sitting next to strangers, but really, who am I to care that much? I'll get on with it somehow under the protection of my book. Ha, there. Satisfied.

The next stop, like, two people get off, but four more get on. So what? And then, from behind my, she starts in.
"Oh my God, who does she think she is getting on this bus?"

I look up from my lovely poetry to juxtapose myself with the cretins of the real world in order to see what in hell is so provocative. An old woman in a wheel chair was getting on the bus. The bus driver gets three people to move in order to fold up the row in order for the woman to fit her wheelchair. Standing room had just become sardine room. Just for the record, I would have been happy to stand if I were in that row. Again, from behind me...
"Who does she think she is getting on a crowded bus and inconveniencing the rest of us? What nerve she has. Crazy. And knowing her kind and what type of person she is I bet she's a rich kook."

Now, it must be said that the old woman had not inconvenienced the lady behind me at all. She had a seat. What more does she want? And 'knowing her kind?' What in God's name? A few blocks of this and I was literally banging my head against the Plexiglas while my blood pressure what trying to get me all hot so that I would turn around and give her a piece of my mind. I refused. I'm not getting kicked off my only mode of transportation. The old woman gets off the bus, nicely cautioning the people to watch their toes.
"I bet she's rich. She looks like she could afford a taxi, I mean come on, there are services for people like her. For a couple of dollars she could have called a special bus. I wish their were more special busses for those types of people. If you can't afford it fine, but yeesh."

It also must be said that the old woman didn't look rich at all, in fact, fairly normal. There was nothing to lead one to believe that she had any more money than the rest of us. What a moron. At this point I was toying with the idea of telling her how much I wished there was a bus for the type of person she was but my stop was coming up and there are only so many ways to get to class.

It wouldn't have bothered me so much if she had said one snooty thing and moved on, but it was on and on and on. She wouldn't shut up. It was like she was obsessed. I was pissed but you didn't see me tapping the person next to me on the shoulder and starting in "do you believe the nerve of this woman, getting on a bus, talking the way she is, and while I'm trying to read no less. A real kook." Yeah no.

And just for the record...there are no special busses. The regular city bus is more than equipped for wheelchair access.

Can't we all just get along like the Little People???

Jo is a fantastic plumber...I challenge you not to buy a toilet.

http://www.josplumbing.com/


Okay, this has got to be one of the most useful sites for selling anything. You could sell men their souls back on a plate of rubber duckies the way this woman is selling toilets. My fascination stayed on getting to flush whatever I wanted down the toilet...but volleyed between that and Jo's hilarious sexually provocative comments. Yes, society has made it possible for toilets to be the subject of sexuality. After all, it is the toilet who never fails to touch our asses every time we greet it.

The Perfect Taco

Last night I spend a relaxing, dreary night with my bored yet far from boring companion. After my imagination had its way with a couple of pumpkins and a knife, I spent my time on the edge of my couch cushion reading about love and perfume and beets while Chris was flipping through channels like the hopeful flip from refrigerator to freezer and back again hoping something better had mysteriously appeared. No good horror flicks and very few trick-or-treaters. My attention became split between my book and a combination of myth-busters and extreme pumpkin growing. However, the night became highly ordered after I had unintentionally insulted some appropriately aged kids who had come to the door who were self conscious about saying "trick-or-treat." As a result, Chris took candy duty, while I took scary dog duty. It worked beautifully for the hand full of groups that showed up at the door. Later, when we were certain no one else was coming and we were stuck with a bunch of candy and a bunch of lame-ass television, focus began to flux away from staying awake. Try as we might to stay up long enough to fully enjoy each other's bodily pleasures, the eye lids won out, but the familiarity of the person next to me stayed with me through my sleep. What a way to live, I thought. The night had been unimposing and uneventful, but left with me a residue of something I have rarely felt. Content, happy, life was simple, and one of my favorites to this date. Not just with Chris, but with anyone. I can't tell you how much joy he brings to my life. It takes a special kind to be able to make you feel warm inside on such a cold and windy night and make Taco Bueno feel like the Taj Mahal.

The Smell of Bohemia

It seems as though my ab workouts have been paying off, because for the last 48 hours they have been contracting with such force as to preclude me from proper digestion. This however, is a bold faced lie. My body has had far from the proper prescribed diet of exercise and even farther from the proper prescribed diet of food and drink that should indeed follow with the lack of proper prescribed exercise. So it was to my surprise that in spite of my stomach being shaped like a bloated prize pumpkin, that twice in the last two days I have been mentally felt-up, as it were, upon these two men's noses getting a wiff of the book in my hand. These two men were frighteningly similar in their life cadences. Both proclaimed that Jitterbug Perfume and Tom Robbins were their favorites of all time. Both were strongly college-esk, in location, financial situation, and all around look. Both had slightly more light brownish-red hair than face. Both were thirty seconds-or-less human interaction in which they took me completely off guard, listened to my one line egg-sentence scramble, quipped once more, and then quickly cut off all further exchange. Here I was hiding Che this whole time. Methinks I should restrict my reading of this Bohemian Rhapsody to the privacy of my own quarters.

3 Faces of a Gemini: Just a poem

While I look into his face

I turn my back to him

and bittersweet memories of him flood my mind

Hello love

goodbye my friend

goodbye my lover

Split by our anatomy

split by differences of opinion

split by our physical location

A wonderful man

a wonderful help

a wonderful dancer

He touches me

he married me

he captivated me for a moment in time

I want to be here beside him

i need him to back away

i understood why

peace

controversy

short but long lived

The deep part of me

my imagination

my adventure

A fortune cookie

a mormon

a new step

I am beautiful

I am one of many

I am a small journey

An uncertain future

a present game

a past kept hidden

The smallest silent storm

The tempest awakens the senses
Panic arrising and subsiding
origination from somewhere deep
growing exponentially
back and forth
back and forth
walking through a past it was not born unto
and taking it on as a relief
and as a burdon





each turn presents blessings
and horrifying pictures of distruction
hot sensations of the pain
but no way to see
and no want or need to do so



back and forth
back and forth
the only words to find have already
been written and perfected
noone to hear them
take them in
eat them whole like cherries
but the one who walks alone





fear of falling over the edge tempts
thoughts of jumping instead
watching the back and forth
back and forth
behind the eyes
sickness from the pit of the stomach
but it stands awe struck by the
convergence of day and night
of love and swirling pink and blue and black sky
falling and being lifted up at the exact same moment





merging and flowing and reversing
back and forth
back and forth





twice as many
half as much
the same to the eye
volume and condition
differ
from head to heart and back again





A life lived so perfect
the peach tears from the branch
reaching for the ground
so full so wet
but still back and forth
back and forth





Everything it holds from the future
everything it is from the past
Beauty held in the rain drops
splashes on the face makes it feel alive
pushes it back and restarts it
brewing until nothing happens again

The Happiest Goth

I thought for a while about posting a list of things I hate, things that I can't stand, things that piss me off so greatly...but that list would be way too long for this blog. Sorry, instead you get:

10 THINGS THAT MAKE KRISTEN HAPPY TO THE POINT OF GIDDY

1. Bunnies

Any time I'm unimaginably sad about whatever, I google bunnies. O M G. I pretty much explode into joyous giggles every time I do this. Even now I have a stupid grin plastered to my face. Works every time.

2. School

I know I've said some things...things I regret...but things are different now. I've changed. Take me back baby....I love you school.

It doesn't matter that the classes are 5 hours long, or that I have to be there on Saturday morning, or that I pay rent at two different places to make it, or that I have to commute across the city by bus and walk to get there, or that the temperature in the classroom is always wrong...I always want to be there. I love every minute of it. With every test and quiz and homework I study for, turn in, and get back I think about what I'm working towards. And that makes me unequivocally happy.

3. Music- usually the hard core kind

Huxley was right when he said that "Next to silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is music." Now, I don't really care what kind of music he actually meant, because it doesn't matter. Music has always been the one I've turned to. The self expression, the need to be part of something bigger, the lyrics mixing with the sounds, it's overwhelmingly therapeutic.

One of my favorite songs is probably the most disturbing I've ever heard, but if I turn it down low or listen to it on a crowded bus with headphones, it sends shivers down my spine and I feel at home. Sometimes it's what gets me through the day.

The sweet hard painful lullabies softly screamed into my ear satiate the tortured beast that lives in me. What can I do, I've got Irish blood.

4. Burgundy

She is the best dog I've ever met. Ever. Hands down. I'll never love another sentient being with four legs and a waggy tail as much as I love Burg. She has been trained by the best, loved by the best, and it shows. Half the time I'm at my parent's house I'm hanging out with my family. The other half is spent rubbing da tummy, playing tug of war, running around, being lick attacked, and saying crap like "oh my goodness who's da cutest, yur da cutest, yur so cute, look at 'er face." Yes, even I, the self proclaimed dog hater will let my IQ fall and roll around on the floor with Burg. I got her while canvassing for PIRG one day and yadayadayada she ended up with my parents. They were going to give her away and then they fell in love with her. And who wouldn't? Wook at dat face.

5. Laughter

Whether it's making people laugh, or watching youtube videos with my boss, or bullshiting with my brother, I love laughing. http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=126501&fr=yvmtf

This is a yahoo video called Awkward Rick goes to the Air Show.

When I found this and watched it, I literally laughed spontaneously for about a week. I cried during the last part of it, I found it so amazingly funny.

6. Morning Star Meatless Buffalo Wings

Okay, I could eat these (and I have) every day for lunch and they would still be my favorite lunch food. I don't know why. I can't explain it. I'm not even vegetarian. My guess is it's that I've always loved chicken nuggets that "don't taste too much like chicken." These don't taste like chicken...they taste like crunchy breading bits and hot sauce. I wish I had some right now. They would make me so happy.

7. Exercise related euphoria

Need I say more? I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the hormones.

8. Sex

I knew this picture would come in handy. Up until recently, though I've always talked like a sailor, I've never thought of sex as something that I would ever really enjoy. Aside from it being good for you physically, it can do so much for your psyche. This is one I won't go into detail about. Not only to spare you, but to preserve that sense of intimacy.

9. Sleeping in

This happens on such a rare occasion that when it does happen, it's a real treat. Having a day off is nearly unheard of and is even more of a treat. The last time I had a day off of work, I went in to work anyway because they had scheduled me during my triathlon. I love big fluffy pillows and big fluffy blankets and making a hot breakfast before I start the push all over again. I could go for some sleeping in right now.

10. I'm going to have to cop out and give this one a little thought. So many things come to mind:

chocolate, reality tv, giving, reciprocal relationships, sharing, praise, hotel rooms, swimming pools, being naked, black, accomplishing goals, being independant, traveling, spending time with people I love, etc. I just don't know. But these are the stuff of life. They are things I almost expect from life. They should make me happy.

While proofreading this blog, I've smiled every single time I've gone back over it. These things make me who I am. It just makes me wonder what makes my friends this happy.

The Never Ending Facebook Status

Kristen is...

...unhappy it's Columbus day but happy the girls get a day off of school to spend with their dad.

...homesick, but wishes she knew where home was.

...sad for Estee.

...having nightmares again.

...scared that the stress is actually posing real physical health problems.

...capable of love.

...indulging in a bean burrito from the burrito man for the first time in months.

...waiting for an important text message she knows won't come.

...incapable of understanding the situation when you break the lines of communication so fully.

...unable to move forward.

...in need of more water.

...questioning human ability.

...already looking for Christmas presents.

...pondering the future.

...dumbfounded by people's reaction to the truth.

...hurt that she's never the one.

...appreciating the fine art of good pumpkin cheesecake.

...appreciating the fine art of reciprocal friendships.

...quietly distancing herself from a support system she will someday desperately need.

...aware of the fact that she knew full well the amount of stress she would be putting

herself through but thinks that the people around her somehow had no clue.

...unappreciatively aware of the burden she is.

...running through the last year in her head over and over again ad nauseam.

...never going to get tired of the Tool songs she relentlessly plays, but was sick of Sarah

Mcglaughlan from day one.

...wondering what is going to happen next semester when she's taking 18 credit hours and

is covered under her work's health insurance.

...sick of jumping ship.

...physically ill.

...breathing through music.

...missing Che.

...realizing that misery is optional as an adult.

...going to try to drag someone to Salsa with her.

... proud of certain friends for trying out dancing.

...never hoping, only doing.

I came I saw I conquered

The first annual Elephant Butte Olympic Distance Triathlon happened yesterday. My only question is why in the hell is this only the first annual? Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased to have been here for the beginning. But how many geniuses did it take to come up with the fact that this is one of the most beautiful places to race, or at least that I've had the honor of racing, right up there with Castle Rock and Dead Horse Point. The only thing I can think of is that people have thought of it and no one wanted to take it on. However, the whole town came out to participate in their own way. For this I thanked as many people along the way as I could. Yes, even through the tears.

I will definitely do this race next year and I can't wait. Usually, I don't ever set real goals for myself due to my history of accomplishing little to nothing I've ever "set out" to do. I didn't become a 5.12 climber, I didn't go to San Francisco for the summer to join circus school, I never went to Colorado Mountain College, I'm still in Albuquerque. The list goes on.

This year was different. I came, I saw, I conquered. I came into this year with much more knowledge of what I am capable of doing and what I wanted to do. I saw the opportunity to do something I've always wanted. And this weekend I conquered one of the most grueling physical challenges I've ever faced. You have no idea how happy I am. My time was shot, my bike is destroyed, my knees are killing me, and I've never been so proud of myself in my life. I set out to become a triathlete and though I must perfect my preparatory skills, I'm fast proving that I can set goals and stick them through until the end. If next year goes any better than this one, I think I will have to start investing in long term goals.

Okay, off my soap box and back to the race. The men started us off and left us women back at the beach jealously awaiting our turn. Since there were so few of us, they started us all off together, feet flailing, bubbles everywhere, heading out to the first boey. Let me tell you now, my carbo loading paid off. No fatigue and 37 minutes later I was out and into transition. My goal for this tri was to cut time off my transitions since they were so long in my first. I rocked out my transitions. Cut them in half. On the bike, feeling confident and crossing my fingers, the first few hills posed little problem for me. I could feel a slight resistance from my tire and the road was bumpy, but other than that the day was fine. Soon, my bike was making grinding sounds, popping in and out of gear and the resistance had gotten so great that I feared I might not finish. Down hills weren't much better than the up hills with so much resistance I was getting off my bike to fix what I only made worse in the end. I just had to deal with it. I had to finish, no questions. With absolutely no one in sight for most of the bike portion I found myself overwhelmingly worried about getting lost, being last (I was 2nd to last), or my bike falling apart completely (and it was making enough noise to convince me of this). I came into transition crying to find that many competitors were done with the race. The run started out with a sandy hill to asphalt and I walked several times throughout. The aid stations were my friends and I tried hard to take in and enjoy not only the views but the essence of the run which was the dam. I was one of few citizens ever permitted to cross it. Homeland security had cameras on us and made us sign waivers saying we would not stop on top of it. The last aid station at the turn around featured a super soaker, goo, and ladies in tight black cheerleading things. At the end Melanie and Tim were there to cheer my name. My time, a whopping 4:10. Poo. I kept saying there's always next year. And there will be. Somehow I will afford and new bike. My run and swim times were respectable for having a month to train but 2:16 on the bike was ridiculous. My bike and I aren't speaking as of yet.

After the race Melanie and I were talking with Dustin about the race. They were showing their disapproval of my choice to ride my own bike in the race. I had Dustin ride my bike around the corner and back once. His first words were "Oh my God." The damage was audible.

I traveled 33.7 miles back to the same geographic location, but physically and mentally, I came back to a different place entirely.


The first picture was part of the run a little under a mile from the turn around so at that point I had over 3 miles of running to go.

The second picture is of the second and biggest dam. Looks like both of these were taken from about the same place.

Triathlete Expected to Bring A Game After Week of Trials

It is said that for a woman, foreplay is everything that has happened from the last time she had sex to next time she has sex (with the same partner). Sunday, for me, will be the culmination of everything I have done since the last triathlon until the moment I enter the water. True foreplay, the kind that makes you warm, occurs right before the event. This is when you use everything that has happened to get motivated, warm, lubricated, and focused. The better the foreplay, the better the event. Just depends on what gets you off and what kind of event you are looking for. Explosive? Fun? Rough? Just enough to get dirty? Fast? Or nice and slow? Or in my case- three full events with short rests in between sustained for over three hours. If any friend of mine had told me that she was going to perform such a task I would have suggested some amount of training, at least an investment in the Khama Sutra, I mean, The Triathlon Training Bible.

For the last five weeks my closest advisory staff (one might call them close friends) have been shuddering at my busy lifestyle, warning me of the effects of overwork, and feeding me chocolate milk at an alarming rate. Though not in top form, my physical self feels as well prepared for the challange as one in my situation could pull off. Getting up pre 5:30am and running sans light is something I'm proud of in and of itself.

What I've been fighting is my psyche. I have often referred to my own mind as a pit of monkies with a full spectrum of unique personalities, goals, wants, and needs. To appease all of them takes a great deal more work and effort than any physical task has ever presented.

As I take my vitals of both body and mind I contemplate my foreplay. Dustin was right, I have done a lot of things wrong.

Body Profile:

1. Right shoulder muscles causing pain mainly in shoulder abduction and extreme flexion.

2. Back is feeling better and stronger.

3. Ankles and arches are in much less pain now that I haven't been wearing heels.

4. Alergies still bothering me.

5. 131.5 lbs.

6. Been Carbo loading for four days with a 3/1 ratio of carbs to protein.

*Crab linguine

* Smashing Pumpkin Keva Juice

* Chocolate cake and ice cream ;)

* Sweet and salty almond Odwalla bar

* Cereal

7. Last run: Wednsday

Last swim: Last Thursday

Last bike: Wednsday

8. Slight headache

9. Bike still not tuned

10. No real sprint training. Trained for endurance.

Psychological Profile (harder to quantifiably define)

1. Enough stress to keep me from getting a decent night's sleep in: 1 month

2. Peaceful/quiet feeling, but not calm.

3. Distracted

4. Unsure

5. Excited

6. Onsets of fight or flight mode for about 1 week (elevated Blood pressure and breathing rate, flushing of face, feeling of rush, generation of body heat, etc.) sometimes extreme.

7. Just took a test this morning who's score reflected my distraction. I should be making 90's.

8. Introversion

My foreplay has been sparse and disappointing. In spite, and maybe even because of this, I am still looking forward to giving it my all. I am only sad that Angela will not be joining us but look forward to spending time with Melanie.

I still feel like shit.

To I know who...

This is bad.

Part of me knows I fucked up big time. Part of me knows that if I had stayed, my heart would have exploded in my chest...no literally, I'm not sure of the last time I have felt such a rise in blood pressure. I was actually scared. It's the reason I left.

I'm not old enough for this.

I don't understand.

I don't know what faith is. I don't know that I've ever had it. The word hope means very little to me. I've never been sure of God but I wouldn't ever tell anyone not to believe. Never. I love that people believe. It makes them more human than I.

I like to "gut check" myself every once in a while...I test myself and really try hard to remain unresponsive to the pain I put myself through by watching all the Kate pictures on the screen saver on purpose.

The silence scares me more than the words.

If only I had known.

Why hide?

I'm too young to understand.

I want to.

I have always felt that by being less human, I could make myself unresponsive to all the pain, the genetics that I can't overcome, the feelings of being a woman that make me sick to my stomach. There is something really wrong with me. Before I had ever met Chris I looked around at guys...at girls...nothing. I couldn't find anyone I was attracted to...no one I felt was good looking or had a good enough personality. Not just for me...but at all. Instead of getting rid of the pain and the jealousy and the anger, I got rid of the most basic parts of being human. The part I used to love the most. The human interaction...I used to crave it.

One night a hand full of months ago we were in bed. He kissed me and for a brief fleeting moment I had felt something I'd never ever felt before. I felt human, I felt vulnerable, I felt willing, and I felt this odd sort of one-ness and peace overcome me in flowing sheets. It scared the living shit out of me. Peace? Me? And with another human? No. It couldn't be. I can't. With this peaceful feeling will come pain and hurt. With this one-ness will come jealousy and fear. The things I had cultivated out of myself were back.

No, I haven't experienced what you have. No, I will never understand it. Yes, it will always hurt me to think of it. I lie to myself every single day to cover up the silence. The parts I know you are leaving out of your story to appease me. It makes me feel guilty. If you can't tell me, If I'm that kind of person, then you don't want me.

I hear every open ended pause when you stop yourself from saying something you think will make me angry. And for that I'm sorry.

And even though you meant your apology, how would I know? I'm literally batting nil. I have absolutely no clue. None.

It's ironic actually. All the things I wish I could stop in myself...I expect from him. Jealousy. No, I'm not nor will I cheat. Period. Not if no one would ever find out. Not for a million dollars. But would it be too much to ask for a little jealousy? I tried not to show mine. It was going well too. I mean, on the outside. Letting it roll off my back. I loved that about me. But I hated being me.

I can't get over the fact that I'm human. I have managed to overcome a lot of pitfalls that I've seen others fall into. I've never experience heartbreak. I've never been left. I can let go. I have to. But this leaves me ignorant.

I never know if I'm important enough. I never know if it even matters. I never know what I should be concerned over and I get confused and start getting concerned over everything. Then I get angry like a tired child who doesn't understand why they are crying. I'm tired. And I don't understand.

I suck. I love him. I love his children. I am in love. I am exhausted.

I can't change the feelings I end up having. Not for anything. Like when I went to church. It was nice but I was never convinced of what they were telling me. I can't believe what I don't. Just as I can't change my love. Because I do. I love.

I don't just hold onto bad feelings. I hold onto things like tonight, wrapping your arms around me. Like telling me how your day has gone. I would listen for hours. Like hearing the excitement in your voice when you told your daughter you got to wear the blue uniform. Like watching her cry in your arms. Like remembering how proud I was of you when you started running. Because it wasn't for me. Like taking you climbing for the first time to Datil and loving every minute of it.

But I knew you wouldn't stop me when I left. And that's okay. It's not your fault.

Wet dreams

I am in need of some serious stimulation! I'm not talking about the sweet hot buttered pelvic message I'm always talking so highly about nor polishing any buttons. Although I did watch 300 again last night.......No, I'm thinking more of a deep tissue brain massage.

I never thought I'd say this. I want to be in class. There, I said it. The whole thing makes my tummy do flips. I haven't felt this way since Valentine's Day.

And Let me just Say this about that

I put SHS into a Google Images search for the photo in the last blog. I do that for most of the pictures I use on this blog...it's really fun. I choose my favorite picture of the ones that come up. That one was, by far, my favorite. But let me just say this about that. A few years ago when I was a nude model for art classes, I decided I wanted some nude photos taken. I was in pretty good shape, but my boyfriend at the time found the whole thing disturbing and seedy and didn't want me to do it...even went to the point of "forbidding" it. So I didn't. Even though I don't regret the decision not to (because the guy I was going to have do it was a little strange), I still want them done. I want an ass picture sort of like that...albeit, my ass isn't that tight...I still think it would look nice matted on my wall and okay, not really, but in my own personal album. It would be my way of preserving my own youth. That's what it was always about.

SHS is the best!

So...this week has been somehow unusually hard on me, not because of anything anyone has said or not said to me but because sometimes, no matter what people say or think, we feel ugly...whether it be inside or out, it happens.

I usually prefer not to talk directly about specific people on this blog however for brevity I will and do so with no hesitation. When I broke up with Damon, I confirmed to myself that I was a worthwhile person. That I was pretty, that I wasn't a horrible person, even that I could attract normal & good people. It's true. It's amazing what you have to re-learn about yourself coming out of a long history of mentally abusive relationships. At this point in my life, I have stabilized (no laughing Chris), and for the most part have seriously built my confidence and self esteem quite substantially. But no matter how much confidence you have worked for there is always self doubt. It's what keeps us striving to better ourselves. But it can also be destructive. Enough said.

This morning, while waiting for the 140 San Mateo bus, an average looking guy about my age in a car stops infront of me, and a ton of people waiting for the same bus, and rolls down his window. Now, usually when this happens to me the guy is asking if I "want a ride baby" and the whole thing seems to be leading to "suck my dick bitch." And usually I was (in college) wearing something somewhat suggestive. Not this morning. My hair was wet from swimming, pulled back in a low bun, I had a red SHS midriff under a white climbing tanktop (not showing my midriff by any means), and a black pair of yoga/climbing pants, and I was standing with my backpack on, arms folded around my stomach.

"Did you go to Sandia?" "Yeah I did." "Cool, so did I. I just saw your shirt, that's cool. You're looking very attractive this morning." At this point, I do what I always do and ignore the compliment as if he had made an error but figure a smile will suffice. So I smile. "Usually people say thank you went they are complimented." "Thank you." "You're welcome." And the window is rolled back up.

A complete stranger, with nothing to gain, wanting exactly nothing from me tells me I'm attractive. Usually I wouldn't take this as any sort of indication of anything. But given the situation I let myself be happy for me.

Let me tell you now, this is no substitution for the compliments I get at home. And there is no shortage of them. This is mearly a statement that now I know there are other people in this world who think I'm attractive. Yeah, it's true.

The key to my success

I am notorious for losing keys. I have lost more keys than I can ever remember having in the first place. I've lost single keys, huge sets of keys, keys that weren't mine, keys I had forever, and keys I had for a day. Over the years I've gotten better- I've used different tricks to keep them safe. Anything from having "key spots"...ie only having three spots they could be, to never taking them off my backpack key ring or now-cute little key toppers.

The last time I lost a key was fairly recently-within the last few months. It was on a bullet key chain. I was standing in my parent's kitchen with it, got in the car and suddenly realized I didn't have it. I searched high and low. To this day I've not found it. That was the first time I'd ever had anything happen to me that I couldn't explain. It had disappeared into thin air.

This morning. Angela's house. 6:45am. Getting ready to head out for a nice swim before my yoga/pilates class. Everything is together. I take out my little stuff: my lobo ID, my cell phone, my key, and a granola bar. I set everything down on the couch as I open and eat my granola bar and then throw away the wrapper. I get a drink of water, get a last look at my hot self in the bathroom mirror, let the cat out, straighten up and head for the door. Pick up my little stuff....no key. I tear my backpack apart three separate times. Look in the bathroom, under the couch, on and under everything in site, in the freezer, in the sink, under the table, the refrigerator, the bathroom again, under climbing gear. Nowhere. Nowhere. I call Angela. "Is your cat known to take things outside and hide them? No? K."

We agreed that I would have to take everything with me and leave the door unlocked. Shit. I gather everything up and as I'm about to leave I think about the one thing I did that I hadn't thought of before....I threw away the wrapper. I drop everything and go to the trash. Right on top between the wrapper and some paper was my little key with it's little tooth key topper. Lotta good that did me. When I came back from class Angela had taken out the trash and had started cleaning. If I hadn't found it...it would have been lost forever. I wonder if they all go to the same place. Have little key meetings. Laugh at my misfortune of being such a gooffish.

Tri it, you'll like it!

Let's put some perspective on this "intermediate distance" triathlon that I am doing at the end of the month. This triathlon, called the Elephant Man Triathlon, is a mile swim (1600 m), 26.5 mile bike (over a 40k), and a 10k run. After calculating my times for each individual event as minimum and "totally fuck it up" values, I looked for previous times (for last year's finishers) only to find out that this is the First Annual Elephant Man Triathlon. Somehow while looking at the website I stumbled across the course/elevation maps for the race. In-fucking-tense. I encourage you to check this shit out. http://www.mannonmotion.com/emt/ So, with that said, and with the knowledge that I am one of 150 people competing it this beautiful, challanging, and unique triathlon, here are my fastest (minumum) times for my usual courses:

Swim: (based on 500m @ 7.5min)= 1600m @ 24 min.

However based on UNM pool times @ 10 per mile= 32min. has been actualized recently.
Run: (based on an up and downhill paved course)= 10k @ 50:24
Bike: (based on 12 miles @ 45 min.)= 97.5 min (1.6 hrs.)

So, in attempts to put some meaning behind these or any numbers I looked at the results from the Olympic distance Rattlesnake Triathlon (1500m swim, 40k bike, 10k run). These people are sick. The best time was around 2:15. Uh-um. No.

If I take the total of my best times and add two minutes per transition (not including the fatigue factor) that is still: 3:04. Uh-um. Yeah, well. At least I can count on not losing time being dragged around in my wetsuit.

This is the bike elevation map. That big spike happens at mile 12 and continues to mile 16.

This is the run course. I'm not even going to look. Oh, God. I gotta get some new shoes and a friggen chocolate shake.

Fish food for thought

Wow...is all I can say. Over the last month, I've been doing my very best to keep on top of things -homework, getting to work on time, getting myself to and from Dr's appointments, keeping up on bills (and I have a lot), keeping up on my class notes blog, getting myself out of bed to run/swim/bike every morning, somehow finding enough food to sustain this lifestyle, living without a wallet for a week, and proving to myself lessons that I thought I had already learned. Needless to say that when my month started to come to an end, I just about tried to reck it all and the people who let me suffer next to them were suddenly suffering right along with me. This happens from time to time when I feel too lucky. The lesson I relearned, and is subsequently in one of my recent blogs is: usually, we don't have enough information about a situation to be angry in the first place. All I can say is that sometimes when man and goldfish speak, the translation can be rough. Gotta slow down. Gotta take the time to reconnect and retranslate. And even if this is not the best of all possible worlds, it's gotta be pretty damn close...because what could have been destroyed is now strengthened, what could have been a loss is now a new discovery, and what Chris thought was psycho was just PMS. Maybe I'll take Lance up on the opportunity presented to me to become a route setter. It might just keep me sane while I'm swimming my little goldfish heart out. Forgive me and thank you for sticking by me.

I want to taste gamey

While running one morning, Dustin and I were talking about how Chris made me laugh when he asked the girl at McDonald's if chicken was listed as an ingredient in the chicken nuggets and then asked if she was going to spit in our food. I said they were probably made of ostrich or some such thing. Dustin brought up that he had found and bought an ostrich tv-dinner, at some local grocery store. He mentioned that he had also eaten kangaroo. I asked him if either was good. He proclaimed "Oh, God, no...when you hop around all day you taste gamey."

This made me think, do I taste gamey? I do a lot of bouncing around all day. Can I get lean enough, fit enough, healthy enough to taste gamey? I'd like to think so.

Pilates

So my first two pilates classes were cancelled because my instructor was rushed in for surgery last Monday. Huge bummer. Because today's class was fantastic. I hurt, and all we were doing was breathing. I love this class already. Not only is it fun and I can already tell we are going to get nicely sweaty, but when he says "dorsiflex"...I freaking know what that means. It's nice to feel like you are still getting studying done for a completely different class while you're rolling your hips under and breathing hard.

Will run for happiness

The long depression has begun. If I don't start running soon, there's no telling how long it could last. Why must I have emotions? There are days when I feel like I'm right where I belong and then the next day I would give anything to be huddled in a corner of the world all by myself away from anyone who knows me or my name or anything about who I am. Having people know who you are is an excuse to act that way. I don't want it anymore. It gets tiring. How can I be blessed with so much hatred and not have the capabilities to use it effectively. God, if I were mean, I could do lots with all of this pent up energy.

Then sometimes there are people who show you how much fun life can be. Sometimes there are people who let you suffer next to them. Sometimes you should let go of all the extraneous emotional content of life. Sometimes you should unleash it on some asshole who really deserves it. Most of the time we don't ever even have enough information to get angry in the first place.

My first day of school

Memories...I don't remember my first day of school. But last night was my first day.....back...in school. It's been over two years now that I earned my degree from UNM. Now it's back to CNM to actually make something of myself :). So if you read my first blog, you'll see that I've set up quite a schedule for myself. Yesterday started at 5:20am like I planned and most of it went exactly, if not better than I had expected. However, somehow I managed to forget one small, tiny, eensy-weensy thing.......food. From lunch yesterday (Saturday's left over pizza from the company luncheon) to dinner (a bag of cashews and raisins) to this morning (swimming and theoretical pilates) without food...well, my class was canceled this morning so I went to Winnings for a 3 seed breakfast bagel sandwich, but not every morning will be so laid back. And now after a little shopping the company freezer looks like my freezer with enough breakfast and lunch for six days. Just as the bottom of my desk looks like a shoe closet...because it is. I was in so much pain last night from lugging my backpack from work to school...there just isn't enough room in my little backpack for everything. On another note, school was fabulous. I've done my homework already (due Sep. 10th), and already read half the required reading, and I like Kreb's Cycle. Still nervous but off to a good start getting there early, sitting in front, turning off my cell phone, taking notes because I mean it, and getting to know the professor. Ontop of that, yesterday was my second day of training for the 10k. We cut about 2 min. off my previous time-it's amazing what we can do with a little external motivation. Speaking of...Angela and I had a good time working our butts off with a little casual training at the gym late last night and some calming swim time this morning before "class." I like to get there early to impress the teacher, not get there instead of the teacher. Lame. So all in all I'm doing well. And even if I weren't, I probably wouldn't let you know. I want this so badly that I'm willing to sacrifice myself to it fully, to sculpt myself out of this hunk of marble. Such potential. :)

Oh yeah, the Triathlon

So, I will get pictures up soon. My favorite is the one of me smiling while putting on my wetsuit. Yeah, that's cause it was almost on. Believe me, I'll never do it again. People have been asking me for about a month (and still today) when my triathlon is going to happen. Starting today, I told them it was last weekend. Their next question is "oh, how did it go?" What an odd question standing on this end of it. I hear it, I know it sounds like a legitimate question to them...but somehow I haven't been able to come up with a response that I like. I have come to peace with saying "It was awesome, very fun, great course, beautiful weather." But I'm screaming from deep inside, it's like asking me what the Tao is. Lao Tzu took eighty some chapters to begin to touch upon it. Anyone who has done a triathlon will know what I mean...it's nothing like anything else I've ever done. I can hardly explain it to myself. The only real indication that I'm not lying that it was "awesome, fun, etc. etc." is that I'm doing it again. And as much as possible from now until forever. One of the best parts was watching the 80 and older racers spring up to the front to receive their prizes. And in opposition to the last blog...triathlons, among other certain people/things, are the beginnings of my true happiness. I got a text from Angela, one of two others I trained for this with, a few days after the race saying "I feel lost without training." I had been feeling the exact same way...that's when I knew for sure. Hell yeah!

Okay, I lied...

So, a few days, maybe a week ago, there was a Myspace survey. It asked some stupid question to which my answer was something to the affect of "I've never hated anything more before or after those two years." So, I must have lied...I hate hate hate. This. I can't say what this is, so this blog is going to have to be like a Maynard song, in which the meanings will seem angry, bitter, painful and obvious, yet you still have no idea what I'm talking about.

I was thinking today that if anyone asked me why I looked so damn happy or how my day was going...that I would skip away from them giggling and singing "tra la la la la, oh how fun it is, oh how happy I am." I know that it seems trite...but I feel like I shouldn't be asking the world for anything, I should pay more attention to something besides my own skin...but I've got this scab, you see...and it's eating me from the inside out. I'm a little worried about it.

Though I am working as fast as I can to absorb, stay focused, consume ideas, and make something I think will be special, fun, fantastic, and really make me happy; I'm still worried that this will consume me...kill my spirit, take my soul to places I don't want it to see, and kill my dreams.

Oh, God make me bigger so that I may not be consumed so quickly. Make me who I am supposed to be so that I may be happy instead of pursuing infinatly. I want to give all that I recieve away that I may be whole. What little I have is yours, so that I may have it all. I'm fighting a battle with the greatest monster of all. 110% of everything I am made of, I will devote to making my skin wonderful to live in. 110% of every atom of my being from birth to now, I will suck dry for inspiration to keep moving forward, finish first, not just average, not just above average, but first. On my own merit. I want that future. Not this.

Nature Fight!

Okay, this has got to be one of the funniest things I've ever said out loud in my life. Go ahead, say it. No, not like that...more like. it's a........nNNNaature FIGHT! I found this while looking up pictures of Amy Winehouse and her husband. Are Amy and the new hubby in some sort of Nature Fight? Or is the government just trying to confuse us??? Yeah, I think that's it. Thomas, this one's for you buddy!

Does any of this have to make sense?

So, this is my first blog thing. Lot's to say, but no real idea as to exactly how to start. I know, let me give you a taste of my schedule for this upcoming semester lasting from August 27th through December 8th. This will give you some idea of exactly who I am...I guess I'll have to explain the "why is she so crazy?" part later.

ASSUMED ABSOLUTES:)

Monday: Wake up 530am. 530-630 Run 6 miles, 7-8am Bike to work, Work 8-4pm, bike to CNM, Foundations of Exercise Science 530-950pm., arrive at Angela's house 10pm. UNM gym open until 1145pm.

Tuesday: Swimming @ 7am - UNM pool, bike to CNM, Pilates/yoga class 830-950am, bike to work, work 11-6pm. Somehow get home, study/climbing night.

Wednsday: Wake up 530am. 530-630 Run 6 miles, 7-8 Bike to work, Work 8-4pm, bike to CNM, Business of Personal Training 530-950pm, arrive at Angela's house 10pm. UNM gym open until 1145pm.

Thursday: 7am swimming again - UNM pool, bike to CNM, Pilates/yoga 830-950am, bike to work, work 11-6pm. Somehow get home, study my ass off.

Friday: Bike to work, Work 9-5pm. Study my ass off again.

Saturday: Bike to CNM, 8-1220pm Kinesiology, 1-close - open to work at SACG

Sunday: Open to work at SACG

Conditional dates: Hanging out with family/Chris, study, sleep, 1 mile swim, ~26 mile bike ride: weekend hours that I don't work. Every four weeks, from 1215-130pm - meet with therapist.

Workouts & races planned: Going strong for the Elephant Man Olympic distance triathlon @ Elephant Butte Lake on Sep. 30th. Like I said, the UNM gym is open for bike trainer/weight training until 1145pm. And a lot of water.

I think that the most telling part is that not only do I have this schedule hanging in my office, I've got a "Master Copy" with a nightly list everything that needs to be in my backpack for the next day(s). Oh yeah, cheer me on guys. I'm gonna need it :).