I will not sleep

Wracking the brain
wracking the body

looking searching
not finding

answers

it's not like I didn't have it together
it's not like I was thinking horrible thoughts

But the adrenaline floats in my blood as if it were invited...

An unwelcomed guest
One who is relentless
One who will not be cast out by thoughts of puppy dogs and hugs and Justin Timberlake songs

Every one worse than the last

It is somehow controlling itself
Growing cooling pumping heating grabbing twisting fucking with me

I wish I could spit in its face...but I can't
All I see is me my body my face

I'm somehow not understanding how any of this started
How to get away from it

It holds me close by making me cold
and trapped

I'm tired and I can't see the way

It haunts me even now, not waiting for a weak moment, it already has me
it's breath hot on my neck shooting its spray of anxiety hormones into my
bloodstream so that it is always there always with me

I will not sleep