Proud

I was having a talk with my therapist this morning, as we do every other Monday...and I came upon something I haven't thought of before.

I don't tell people about the small things I accomplish that I am truly proud of for fear of being boring or sounding arrogant.

So here is a happier blog for you, born of the fact that I am indeed proud of some things I do.



I spend a lot of time playing with my finances. Moving funds, saving, scrimping, challenging myself, reading books about money, and thinking about numbers all day. I have pages and pages of numbers and financial values...in essence, I am writing down what I want my future to look like.

It has taken me quite a while to get to this place, and though I still feel vulnerable to fluctuation, bad months, unexpected fees, and the fact that I should be doing better, I still have a place of hope and pride that I keep unchecked.

Currently, though I have a good chunk of debt, I have learned to live without credit cards. I haven't touched one for months (a year?). I have saved into a small, moderate yield savings account for my "rainy day" fund. I have payed off two of my four credit cards with the help of debt stacking and should be credit card free within the next two years. After that, I should be completely debt free within 5. I have made out a financial goal sheet specifying what I will need to save within the next 6 months to be able to go to India, and within the next 2 years to be able to start having children. I have started a Roth IRA for myself while contributing some of my paycheck to my job's retirement fund.

My bills are payed on time. I know exactly what I will be paying and to whom for the next three pay periods. I have taken the next step toward a financial future that is more profitable than a $10/hour desk job.

Although risky, I stand to earn more than I would with no corporate ladder to climb. For those things, I am proud.

Although some months I still find it hard to squeak out paying my bills, I'm not using credit, I save a small amount of money every month and I stick to my debt stacking plan. These are things that are important to me.

Happy Blog

There, are you happy now? ;)

Words I like...

1. Antidisestablishmentarianism- makes me think of my brother.

2. Quixotic- 'cause I sooo am.

3. Gams- makes me feel old fashioned.

4. Turkey baster- it just glides right off your tongue...and it makes me laugh.

5. Bitchin'- just because it's one of those words that lets you know the kind of person you are dealing with. No, I don't use it :).

6. Umami- because I knew what it was before Chris did.

7. Crotchity- some day.

The Time Line

Unfortunately, I can't remember dates. So it's just a line...

I hate my job at MB, Audi & Porsche and decide to become a personal trainer

Enroll and do well at CNM all the while getting worse at my job

Get rejected for the CNM IT job

1 week later I get hired for the CNM IT job

I am working as the CNM IT and liking it considerably while I finish off my internship with Sports and Wellness

2 weeks later...the program director quits and I'm left with a heap of shit to deal with.

1 month later I'm running his info sessions and doing some of his work

2 months later I'm helping with admin work on top of my own

4 months later I find teachers

1 day before Fall classes start...I am asked to teach because the teachers I picked have no degree...just loads of experience

For the next 4 months I work my ass off trying to do two jobs (IT and Teaching) at the same time with no workstudies, no experience and no guidance. During the 1st month I'm payed jack and sometime when they feel like it, they give me Director status to pay me for what I'm doing.

At some point during this semester they hire Julie as temporary IT and she hires workstudies.

I am asked to teach Spring. I teach for another term and do Tom's administration job.

During the summer I hold more info sessions for next year and begin another fall.

I find out they have me as Full time (Director) only until December.

Julie quits early July. For the two weeks I work both jobs and teach.

After that, they tell me they have kicked me out of my Director job yet I will now be responsible for IT and Part time faculty (teaching) still. Plus, I need to help someone else learn the admin portion. Oh, did I mention I now "owe" them $800 because they told HR I was IT the day Julie quit even though for that two weeks I held three positions?

They withhold $800 from my paycheck.

I now am supposed to work 56 hours at CNM. Okay fine. I have workstudies. I make do. I stay in my office working on my teaching material, quizzes, tests, reviews, correcting homework, putting together lectures, and holding office hours all week long to get my poor students up to snuff. Everyone tells me I'll be teaching for Fall and Spring.

3 weeks ago. I get a new boss. Patrick. I get an email from this person saying he needs my schedule. What schedule? My faculty schedule? It can wait.

2 weeks and 6 days ago. Patrick emails again insisting that I get him the schedule.

Some time after that I finally get it to him. He promptly shows up, says a whole bunch of nothing and leaves.

During the last two weeks he has called, emailed and popped in insessantly. Tells other people that I'm just doing all this for money and that if I can't do the job I should quit. Reports all of this to Richard (my assoc. dean). I ignore it until Patrick calls me into his office and begins ranting like an asshole.

I continue to ignore him and do my job.

Meanwhile, Richard tells me they are taking me off the lecture classes for the Spring. They want someone with a masters degree. No application is up. No interviews have been held. My students are pissed.

Last week Patrick can't find me and has me sign a paper saying that he has spoken to me about my job description and has requested the hours which I am to be in what exact location. Stupid me, I sign it.

Thursday of last week. I've had it. I quit. 2 weeks. He and Richard against me in the showdown I've been waiting for. They somehow trick me into staying through the end of the semester. Richard doesn't even look like he cares that I'm leaving next semester. As long as I teach him what I know before I leave. They agree to change my job description to allow me to do my job as an IT and do DIRECTOR work for them...without a pay raise.

Today I tell the good Dr. that I'm done. I'm sick of being here. I'm sick of making decisions. I'm sick of eating, cooking, cleaning, getting dressed, making conversation, paying bills, brushing my teeth, getting up in the morning, taking a shower, driving, reading, thinking. I want to go away. And I don't want them to follow me. He says nothing of my suicide threat. Perhaps he knows I won't do it.

I take my pills faithfully every morning fearing another panic attack, another physical symptom of stress, being unhappy but liking the simple consistancy of controlling what chemicals enter my body.

2 hours. 20 min. and 25 days until I am free.

A first

Someone I barely know walked up to me the other day and asked what drama was happening in my life today...Great.

More of the Same

Chris really likes the fact that I'm not a "preachy" person, and that I don't use my hella busy schedule to rub peoples' faces in the fact that they can't hold down a part time job and go to school. Well, I am a preachy person, but only in my head and on my blog. I like writing down my schedules and all the things happening in my life for the simple way of remembering how crazy I was when I was in my 20's (conjure a picture of Kristen in her 30s/40s, etc.)

Although I am painfully aware that people are different and that not all of them can pack their schedules so tightly, or even half as tight...I still resent people who complain about not having time to show up to class or do a homework assignment... However, sometimes those people have other really huge problems that they never tell you. Or they tell you when it's too late to help them out...

On the days when I feel dizzy

I pop a bottle of fizzy

Soak in a bath with bubbles

and sing away my troubles

Yoga helps to clear my mind

Missing thoughts are what I find

Every day I get closer to my dreams

I get farther away from my 20's and teens

I'm torn between carpe diem, cease the day

and years and months and bills to pay

I'll spend 5 minutes giving you a peak

while you tell me I'm crazy, for still more I seek

At this very moment I am an employee at three places and own my own business. Two or so years ago I pinned up the phrase "Don't let anything slip or you risk letting the everything fall." Basically I figured if I failed at being perfect at one thing, I was doomed to fail at everything I was doing at the time. Gee I hope that's not true. This week while trying to be productive at CNM, I forgot a client who sat and waited for me at Open Gym. Gee wiz. I write it down, I see it for a whole week, and when the time actually comes to get it my car and leave, I'm lost. Well, I set an alarm this time.

The point is, one can only be so effective while officially working 56 hours (more I would guess), an average of 14 at yet another, and squeezing in time for my devoted clients at the other. And now, because I couldn't wait another year or so, I had to go and open my business early. Did I mention that I'm taking a 3 credit hour class at UNM? It boggles my mind when I get As and Bs on everything I do in that class. I've only missed one class and that is what hurt me the most. I lost 28 points on my test because I didn't show up one Friday. So, while it may be hard or feel nearly impossible to "not let anything slip" it's actually exactly what I have to do...

I risk so much in failing in just one piece of the puzzle. A full schedule is NEVER an excuse. If I told Bryan that I was an hour late because I was tired from all the work I do, he'd fire me. If I miss another appointment with a client, I'll not only lose the client, but I'll lose any respect I held there...and possibly the job. And as was clear this week, if students even think for a SECOND that they are your second priority (which they are not) they will go straight to the dean of the program. I'm happy to say that upon visiting my 4.5 hour Saturday morning Kinesiology class, my dean gave me a glowing review. I'm proud of what I accomplish every day, but I know enough NEVER to use my schedule as a weapon, an excuse or a way to get away from problems in other areas of my life.

I make sure I'm home at night. I make sure to see my family on the weekends. And I'm fast losing a grip on keeping in contact with my father. Another crack in the pavement. One way I'm failing. And I should probably be getting on every other little thing I need to do in this very moment because my every waking hour I'm at CNM I'll be meeting individually with all 48 students over the next two weeks. That will force me to do all of my work before and after I'm officially at work. I still have two other jobs, lectures to prepare, countless fitness classes to teach, three families, a business to get moving, and two homes to maintain.

At this point I never say yes to anything without checking my schedule book first, because I don't trust my memory; And I haven't run/biked/swam for months now. The closest I've come to a treadmill was moping the tracks on the three at CNM. My business planner thinks I'm stupid :) (little misunderstanding on the LLC status) but my facebook status gets updated almost every day ;)! Funny enough, I've seen my friends more in the past couple of weeks than I usually do and Chris now gets to go climbing on a regular basis (this does wonders for our relationship).

Monday:

7-8am Yoga at Stone Age

830-945am Dr. Goodman (every other Monday)

(every OTHER Monday I either visit my house or get some homework done)

11-1150am Exercise Physiology at UNM

12-5 CNM (Clean, meet with students, write lectures, grade papers, fix/copy tests/quizzes, meet with superiors, balance check book :), respond to emails, manage workstudies, turn in timesheets, substitute classes, etc. etc.

(Once every two weeks or so I'll meet with my business planner at the SBDC for an hour or two, and once even three hours)

Tuesday:

6-8am Physical Fitness I at CNM

8-5 CNM

(sometimes have clients at 4/430pm, may hold kids yoga classes from 830-1030 and extend CNM hours)

(This week I have work training from 10am-12pm)

530-630pm Body Sculpting at Stone Age

(Once a month staff meeting at Stone Age 8-9pm)

Home: Study for Ex. Phys., home

Wednesday:

(I'm planning on my kids yoga classes being from 630-10am.)

11-1150 Ex. Phys. at UNM

12-5 CNM

530-950pm Business of Personal Training at CNM

Thursday:

6-8am Physical Fitness I at CNM

(one Thursday out of the month I attend my manditory IDA meeting from 9-10am)

(planning on teaching kids yoga from 830-10am)

(on the 29th I'm taking of from 930-1230 and 2-430 to take business classes at the SBDC)

8am-2pm CNM (or 1030-2)

230pm Client at Open Gym

330-5 CNM

530-630 Yoga at Stone Age

7pm Home, catch up on work, study for class, business work, etc.

Friday:

645-10am Stone Age desk duty

(Planning on teaching kids yoga from 630-10am)

11-1150 Ex. Phys. at UNM

12-5 CNM

Saturday:

8am-1220pm Kinesiology at CNM

(Usually work at Stone age afterwards until 7or 8pm)

(if not working, spending time with family, catching up on work, cleaning my car/apartment, etc.)

Sunday:

(Planning to teach kids yoga from 10am-230pm)

(Usually spend time at a personal training conference or webinar to complete my 60 hours manditory continuing education credits-I have 2 years to complete it)

(This month we have to find time to clean out the storage unit to save money and find a place for all of Chris' 100s of bio related books)

At some point I have to take the GRE and apply for grad school. I have no idea when that is going to happen. Maybe I should be studying or working now instead of blogging :):):).

I counted up the hours I have been officially at CNM working and it came out to 46 hours. I have to somehow make up for that 10 extra hours by working at home, getting everything done during the time I AM there, and working some extra time on Saturdays after class if I can.

When all is said and done, I'll be officially on the time clock for about 66 hours a week. But this doesn't include my class at UNM or hours at home I work. That's the name of the game.

Here's another one of those blogs no one Reads!

Okay folks, it's time for another crazy schedule update...

As the Summer term comes to an end, I can't help but think...."HELL YEAH!" Partly because it's getting trying, partly because I just need a fucking break, but mostly because I'm ready for Fall. I'm excited about it actually. Let's just hope that half way in I don't change my tune.
Beginning Aug. 31 and running all the way to Dec. 12th but not before a big 10 day life changing vaca. But that's another blog entirely ;).

Monday over the Rainbow:

5-630am Open Gym floor duty
7-8am Yoga at Stone Age
830am Run at Johnson (because now it's free again!)
11-1150am 1st day taking Exercise Phys. at UNM
12-5pm Director duties at CNM


Tuesday trepidations:

5-6am Open Gym floor duty
6-7am Spin class at Open Gym
12-5pm Director duties at CNM
530-630pm Body Sculpting at Stone Age


World Wide Wednesday:

9am Run at Johnson
11-1150am Exercise Phys. at UNM
12-5pm Office hours at CNM
530-950pm Teach Business of Personal Training at CNM

Tastefully Thursday:

6-730am Swim at Johnson
8-4pm Director duties at CNM
530-630pm Yoga at Stone Age

It's frightening that it's Friday:

6am Run at UNM
7-1030am Director duties at CNM
11-1150 Exercise Phys. at UNM
12-5 More director duties at CNM

Saturday I'm over the rainbow:

8-1220am Teaching Kinesiology at CNM
1230pm Swim at UNM

Sunday is like honey:

Who knows? Bike? Work some more? Study? Put together lectures? Lay around my apartment in a sleepy stupor? I hope so!

Things that change and happen on a sliding schedule: IDA meetings (for starting my business), SBDC clinics (business classes), Dr. G (thanks for the memories), training clients at OG & SACG, Aerial silks classes in Santa Fe, hanging out with Beth & Aaron...etc, etc.

If you see any time with YOU that I missed. Let me know! I'll add you right back in!

Pet Peeves

Go on. Ask me how I really feel. I fucking dare you...Not feeling so hot tonight. So here is the list I can make public. The other is under the strictest of lock and key. Sorry ladies, no can show you that one.


Here goes:

1. Being Tickled

2. Speed bumps

3. Roaches-spanning all space and time except the Wally movie.

3. When things stare at me while I eat.

4. Anger. Mine and anyone else's.

5. Birthday cards that have nothing written in them except the person's signature and the note that came printed on the card.

6. Coffee. Yes, it has done me wrong in the past 24 hours.

7. Smoking. Especially outside the gym. Come on people.

8. Being called a fat stupid whore (as a joke...(???)), having people laugh every time this person says it then being asked if I talk about it to my psychiatrist. Maybe next time is the time I walk out of their house. They know how to contact me if they have an apology. This will never happen.

I thought about renaming this blog post "Not-unhappy" which is the name of the photo. Just keep in mind that no matter what a person looks like on the outside, it doesn't mean they haven't had just as hard of a day as you've had. Be nice people! Be the person that makes others feel better, not worse.

A series of unfortunate...jokes

One day God spoke to Adam and Eve
He told them that he had a gift for each of them, but that they had to decide who got what

"The first gift is the gift of being able to pee while standing up"
Being excited about getting gifts, without hesitation, Adam exclaims "Pee standing up! That would be awesome! I'll take that one."

God says "Okay Adam- peeing while standing up, it's yours. Eve, you get the other...multiple orgasms"




Joke #2.

A hot blond walks into a casino and straight over to the craps table. A couple of dealers are standing around the table. The blond is eager to play. "I'm feelin' lucky tonight but I feel even more lucky when I'm completely nude...do you mind?" The dealers shake their heads in amazement. She strips down, shakes the dice... "Come on! Mama needs a new set of clothes" and rolls the dice. "I won I won!" she exclaims, jumping up and down excitedly.

The woman takes her chips, gathers her clothes and runs out of the casino.

One dealer looks at the other and asks " What did she roll?"
"I don't know, I thought you were watching."...

Moral of the story: Not all blonds are dumb, but all men are men.


Joke #3.

A blond and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.
They start gambling-a friendly betting game.

"Okay, so if you can't answer one of my questions, you have to give me $5. If I can't answer one of yours, I give you $50," says the lawyer. "What is the distance from the Earth to the nearest star?"

Without saying a word, the blonde forks over the $5.
"What walks up a hill in the morning on two legs, but walks down the hill in the evening on four?" asks the blonde.

"Okay, you got me." He hands her the $50. She puts it away in her purse...
There is a brief silence...
"Okay, but what was the answer to your riddle?" asks the lawyer.

Without saying a word, the blonde forks over another $5.

Love list #2.

Again, the rules as stated where I found them: Do not link the list to specific people, etc. You must think by first loving yourself...


1. I love the type of focus that makes everything seem so far away
2. I love the shoes sitting by the window ready to go to the garden
3. I love crying when it has nothing to do with my female cycle
4. I love discovering new insights into my own body
5. I love planning, then un-planning, then re-planning my day and having no one notice one bit
6. I love opening myself up to the possibility of pure emotion and then being able to explain it-the taste of it
7. I love passion in most forms
8. I love going into something with a plan and then being able to 180 it within moments
9. I love that it could be a year from the last time I hear a song and I can still sing the lyrics by feeling out the beat
10. I love that all I have to do is think about the feelings I was having at that particular moment that I parked my car in order to remember where I parked it...

Passionate Hate vs. Uncompromising Love

Fills my eyes and I almost forget the other exists
Nothing but that moment on my tongue
That feeling- deep, eternal
My heart beats as if paving its way out

Hate: Looking for a way to escape Love: Looking for a way to bronze the ephemeral

Makes my body feel very real
Makes my mind stop functioning correctly
Eat nothing
Feel everything
Stomach full of Hate: daggers Love: butterflies

I want to say "Choose me"
I want to say "Never again"
I need to say "Fine"
I need to feel fine first

A great friend told me that she just wanted to feel...this. Whatever this was, whether it was love or lust or hatred or fear or anger, hurt, Joy, Godliness. For that moment, letting her truth guide her. For that moment, making her own decision that maybe by feeling it she could understand it.

As if not trusted to make the decision, neither are permitted
By one comes anger and rage and disappointment and hurt
by the other comes embarrassment and fear and misunderstanding

Neither do I win.

22.

22. Cooks
23. Loves Scrapple, chocolate covered salt water taffy, and a laundry list of other confections.
24. Is "left handed"
25. Has a famous recipe for chili (Texas, not green :) )
26. Used to ride a bike to work every day
27. Likes fishing
28. Has 2 cats
29. Is a great photog
30. Is a brilliant writer

Happy Birthday Me

About half a year or more ago, I decided to think about finding my father...well, I've been thinking about thinking about it for more than a while. Anyway, about a month or more ago I got his ss# from my Mom. Found him probably a week or so ago. Decided to think about thinking about calling him. The day before my birthday, he called my Dad. Sheesh, I was so slow he actually found my Dad before he found me and before I called him. Asked a ton of the obvious questions, and my Dad in turn told me as we were headed out for dinner. Said he wanted me to call in the morning...on my birthday.


So I did. I was so simple. Easy. Back from Spin class I walked out into Chris' back yard, sat down, and dialed him up...as though I were calling an old friend. He picks up, obviously not recognizing the #. I ask if this is "Mr. Mckernan" and when he says yes I tell him my name. Ah, the moment of realization.

Two hours later and I had learned more than I ever thought I would know. For one, he goes by Dan now, not Danny. And for two, he does have a job and he's actually quite smart. This may not sound like a revelation to you but for years I had been convinced that every sinister looking man running my way was out to steal me from my Mom and prostitute me out for drug money...just saying- I was happy to find out that this was far from the truth.

Things:

1. We actually have a very similar political stance.
2. He has 2 sisters and 1 brother.
3. Never been remarried or had any kids after us
4. Loves folk festivals- Dar Williams and Arlo Guthrie are his favorite
5. I got to talk to my grandmother for a minute
6. I have lots of cousins
7. He has a myspace page devoted to finding me.
8. I was conceived in Germany
9. Not much of a Dead Head
10. Has a tickle me elmo somewhere...lol.
11. Used to be part of a cover band called the tangents-very good.
12. Is very handy with computers- linux
13. Doesn't smoke
14. Manages a sea food department
15. Used to work in Casinos making very good money
16. Remembers my Mom's family
17. Has blue eyes with brown in one.
18. Voted for O'Bama
19. Told me to tell my mom that he thinks very highly of her. That was nice to hear.
20. Lives in NH
21. Has a sister that lives in AZ

Since then I had a conversation with my cousin Karen. She doesn't remember much about him, but told me to be careful, guarded, smart. Obviously, I'll respect the wishes of my mom and not discuss her, I'll respect not telling him where they are, I'll even be physically careful...but I cannot and will not be emotionally guarded. I think he deserves a chance of his own on that one.

I'm just so tired

Seriously. I'm fucking tired.

I just can't stop thinking that everyone goes through a period in their life like this. Yet everyone keeps gasping at me as if I had just told them that I was living a double life as the president of New Zealand...sort of a mix of- 'I always suspected' and 'What the What?!'

So then after I explain that this is probably one of the least stressful times in my life I figure out that no, in fact most people are not at all interested, not only in having three jobs, but having three jobs that require high physical demand (even if you don't want to work out). That most people don't add their own work out routine on top of that, and juggle a time slot with psych appointments and financial independence classes. That, no, indeed most people do not think that it is a reasonable request to require them to wake up at 4am three times a week and 7am on Saturday mornings, plus be flexible enough to make it in on time to open on Sundays...

But such was my choice.

I love my jobs. I've had enough shitty jobs to know who I am and what kind of stress I can handle. I can't handle standing in front of a door in the middle of the winter without a jacket with 50 tvs around me taking peoples' IDs. I can't handle cold calling people who obviously don't make enough money to buy the kind of cars we sell.

I can, and do, handle going into a fitness class completely unprepared. I can handle physical limitations of clients. I can handle cleaning exercise equipment at 5am. And I can certainly handle working out every day of the work week with my students.

Right now I'm dealing with orphaned instructors, juggling class schedules for 25 instructors at 4 campuses over 2 semesters with over 100 sections, 24 stressed out students, 4.5 hours of written finals and 20 hours of practical finals to prepare for, 10 physical fitness classes per week, 2 lecture classes per week, open house to 3000 high school students this Friday, budget cuts, three non-working treadmills, saving my own money by practicing discipline (which means conveniently forgetting to eat so that I can eat at my parents' house:)), trying to find motivation and time to run/swim/or bike on my own time, battling sandbagged eyes, having two completely separate families that both need my full attention, painting, being a friend, finding some kind of time to concentrate on starting my business, and now I'm going to bed...



I wouldn't trade it for the world right now. Someday I'll trade it for a home, and children, and animals, and my own business. For right now I'm happy.

Happiness for me is defined by how much of myself I can give away, that I may be whole one day.

I'll have this week over easy...

My life isn't anywhere near as cool or exciting or neat sounding as Chris'. He has gone full spectrum. From bad to worse, from good to extraordinary. I have and probably always will stay on a much shorter spectrum. I prefer consistancy. In my own special fucked up way...that's exactly what I've got.

This week feels like an egg over easy. Believe me, it wasn't easy...but it was strangely peaceful. When all the lights turned to white. Filled so full that I have no time to get too flustered or think about unhappy things. Cooked just right...perfectly cooked eggs are hard to do.

Last week was my first week in my 3rd job. It took some time to get used to. This week I feel set...not fully settled, but I get up, get there on time and find sleep when I can. I feel like a tired Mom...who has yet to have the kids. They exist somewhere inside of me. Resting more patiently than I for them to finally see this world. They have no idea yet. They haven't seen the beauty and pain that either of us have. Someday.

A perfect egg isn't too runny...and doesn't taste like an egg really. Crispy around the edges and just soft enough in the middle. Covered with cheese and spices.

And it goes with everything...

Something like this:

March into Monday: "Fake Spring Break" (boo)...

420 Wake up

445 Get to Open Gym

Signed up an initial consultation with my first client. Sold her 4 more sessions.

8 Get home w/ some poptarts, take Chris to pick up his parents' car and drop his off at the shop.

Back home to sleep until 1120

12 Teach weight training

3 Teach Body Sculpting

5 UNM to run on a treadmill for 3 miles.

My Nutrition students have off for "Fake spring break"

Laundry and a movie and a great dinner with the ever wonderful Chris (Rachel Getting Married)

Bed by midnight

Try not to tread on me Tuesday:

530 start with a poptart

6am Open Gym to Teach a Spin class for one client. Biked 22 miles.

Came home and slept until 920

10 finally get to work, CNM (job #2)

Home briefly to eat after work

530 Teach Body Sculpting at Stone Age- 4 students

Climbed fairly well

To Chris' sister's house for some yummy corned beef and potatoes

Arrived at O'Neill's, saw 2 of my students, had a hard cider and lots of water...got hit on twice (save me!)

Came home with my love

Wiped out by Wednesday:

4am up up up without the sunshine

5 Open Gym

530 Train with my client

645 stopped off at Just Muffin Around to talk to a member of Open Gym and owner of the muffin cafe.

met my client's mother :).

Home to catch a bit of sleep

9-11 Third week of the 10 week IDA Program, where I am destined to become a business owner

12 Must teach Weight training again

1255 Call 911 to report a homeless person falling asleep in the gutter.

1-240 picked up my brother and watched Death Race 2000 at my house!

3 Teach Body Sculpting

4 Meet with a student

430 Brother's house to watch the last 20 min. of the movie

505 Subway, how sweet, my brother paid

530-8 CPR renewal at CNM Work Force Training Center

Back to Chris' to be with my long lost love...:) Love you smooshy bear.

Today is Thursday:

630 Rise and dark

Take a wrong turn...to Stone Age at 710

712-805 Yoga with a loyal Fin

830 To work we go

1030 Home to wait for Chris

Pick up Chris' car, Drop his parents' off, drop me back off at my house to eat huevos rancheros

1230 Back at it

4 Make my way back home to try and sleep for a smidge

530 Teach body sculpting at Stone Age

645 Run 3 miles

Friday will finally come:

Up at 4

5 Open Gym

615 Booked for an initial personal training consultation

715 Try to resist temptation to go home and sleep

730 UNM to run

Home to sleep

12 Teach weight training once again

1 Leave school and never look back...until Monday

2 On my way to Santa Fe

3 Julie teaches my Body Sculpting class...bless her heart

4 Check in

5 Relax with my love

Spring Break Saturday:

More relaxing...

Another "Fake Spring Break" day for my Fitness Assessment students

Sunday is not stunning, but it will do:

Up ?

9-4 Stone Age Desk duty

430 Parents' house

630 say goodbye

Get home, get ready to do it all again.

As my days get longer my memory gets worse and my days and nights run together...Sort of like that delicious yellow and white swirl of a sunnyside up...break the yoke.

Things Not to Have in a Bath Tub...

1. A panic attack
2. Your favorite magazine...you know the one I'm talking about
3. A sloppy joe
4. A full bladder
5. Your cell phone
6. Your sunglasses...tool
7. Unka unka

Please comment and list more things not to have in a bath tub...

Note to Him

Why do we always forget those things we said to each other? Why are our memories so bad? Looking over your past blog posts I noticed how good you have been, even through the worst times. How hard that time apart was for both of us as individuals as well as the we. Now, all I want to do is tell you how much I love you. Spend the night in your arms. Listen to you chatter about soccer or biology or your students, or whatever. I like our separate places but I love letting you in. Please let's not forget how much we love each other ever again. Let's not forget how much we mean to each other. How good we are for one another. How happy we are and have been. The good things we have together.

The we.

The truth is, everlasting love can endure the hiccups. Don't stop believing in the fairytails just because of me. Don't say that there is only a small chance for us to make it. I have known so much good since I met you. I want it to last. I'm not afraid. We are strong.

Come with me.

Girls from Outer Space

Chris and the girls and I went skiing all together yesterday.

Boy did I have a good time. Since they have been back in our lives, Cassia has been very loving. Doesn't leave my side, lots of hugs for both of us...etc. etc. Terra is much more subtle about it but I can tell she's happy to be back...and that I'm back.

Yesterday was more of the same. Hugs and love yous and I've missed yous...

Terra and I talked about random crap and how she wanted me to start snowboarding with her.

Cassia, more inquisitive, while we were alone on a ski lift, asked if her dad had been smoking (no) and asked why we broke up. A heart to heart ensued. She spoke well beyond her 11 years. She told me how she couldn't wait to be a big sister some day...

I can't tell you how much they mean to me. I can't tell you how much I care about them, their safety, their well-being, their future...

Something seems wrong though. I feel a barrier. I haven't known them for long. I don't know their past. I feel that I'm third in a line that is too long. I feel like I'm having a hard time relating. I don't want to screw up. I want to give them everything in the world that they need. To be a provider of something simple that no one else can give them. Is that wrong?

I want a baby. I want to bring a person into my life that will take my heart and soul with them as they walk around in this world. I want to give myself away that I may be whole.

Other dreams

They are becoming much more vivid, life like, scary...

I had a dream about my good friend Jessica a couple of nights ago. All I remember was that I was happy during the dream. Damn it, why do I remember the not-so-nice ones but the happy ones are lost to me. This is something fundamental I must fix about myself.

Last night's dreams consisted of signing up for a program to chaperone a convict for a week (meaning he can't be out of my sight-he was James Frey from my favorite books-his young self no less), Aaron (from the gym) showing us his blue tribal tattoo...omg, and my biological father blowing me off by text message...telling me he owned a farm and dinner would not be possible as he had to get up early.

Boo dreams.

Stars without Makeup...

As I walked from my car up University on my way to teach, my two Walmart purses became designer Dolci & Gabbana's.

My $7 Payless sunglasses started sliding down my nose, cheap screws loosening, and I thought to myself "My Gucci sunglasses would never do this..."

I kept on walking, head held high. I'd just put on my makeup in my car after working out at the gym for an hour. Some paparazzi caught me off guard as I exited the gym that morning, flash bulbs going off in my face...I can just see the headline now "Stars without makeup," "Celebs go all-natural," "Gym tips from Kristol Mariza"...Just a stage name.

Evian in my hand (they won't let me drink anything else), I tried not to make eye contact with anyone. The man who walks by yells "Kristol! Since when did water become a status symbol! Are you too good for tap water? Answer me!" He's right. This happens daily, but when I went Costco brand the Tabloids did a front page of me, again, without makeup, in a 'What were they thinking!?' article, making a big deal about how shabby and 'down in the dirty hippy masses' I was. Used it to make sweeping character judgments on me...needless to say, my publicist shit a brick and got me on the phone immediately.

My bodyguards shooed the crass old foggie away and I'm left alone. So many people around. So lonely. Just me and my tiny poodle.

One time she bit a paparazzo in the ass as he was trying to get a crotch shot to say I was a slut. I laughed my ass off...and then he sued me. It was a fairly small settlement. Money for emotional damage and the bite marks on his ass...

As I enter the building, my bodyguards fade away...my designer purses are the same drab bags and my earrings turn back into Cubic Z's. My sunglasses fall right off my nose and I fumble into my classroom.

All smiles. Here, I'm just plane old Kristen. Here is where I really shine.

Upstanding citizens

Hate is not a pretty thing.
You can't be proud of it.
Or at least you shouldn't be.
Seems to be my prized fucking possession.
When do I get to relax?

Never.
The ex-wives club will always be there.
Always behind one thing or another.
Waiting to kick me in the teeth once again.

Fall flat on my ass.
Looking stupid.
Looking jealous...but I'm not.
I'm filled with rage.
Rage I can't, or would love not to have to control.
Some days I'd rather not be functional.

Some days I want to destroy.
Some days I want to sleep.
Some days I just try to be happy.
Some days I forget.

Always I'm helpless.

The things I'm most proud of....

Today, I was explaining to someone that I would be back in an hour after swimming. They replied with something like "wow, you're very active, running, yoga, swimming"...and I thought, That's not the half of it. I thought back to the life list I wrote and realized that the things I'm most proud of accomplishing are nowhere on that list...all of the physical activities I've tried/done/failed at/won medals in...





Have done once (so far):


1.Tennis


2. Cross country skiing


3. croquet


4. Samba (it's actually pretty hard)


5. Volley ball (was trying out for the team and didn't even know it)


6. Soccer (just remembered that I put on a soccer camp for kids as a girl scout)


7. Roller blading


8. Shooting (if you consider that a sport)


9. Frisbee golf


10. Mountain biking


11. Hula dance (I took a lesson with my mom while she was taking them-did it for talent show in middle school)

12. Sky Diving! I just knew I would forget something...





Have done a few times (so far):


1. Archery


2. Horse back riding


3. Flag football/ultimate frisbee (boo)


4. Ice skating


5. Roller skating (quite often as a child)


6. Downhill skiing (took it up last year and got to go again this season)


7. Olympic lifting (I was so sore, it was so fun)


8. Square dancing (actually, I did it for years growing up-favorite back then)





Have done several times/years:


1. Cheerleading (middle school and high school)


2. Belly dancing


3. Modern dance (I danced at Rodey and on a platform in the middle of a corn maze)


4. African Dance


5. Irish step dancing (performed at a wedding, talent show at Sandia, Irish venues, and have won several medals for it)


6. Swing dance (one of my favs.)


7. Climbing


8. Swimming (only in association with tris, longest-1500m)


9. Biking (tris and several races-one silver medal in the Gila, longest-65 miles, commuting, and for years as a child)


10. Running (tris and several 5ks and one 10k and a relay at the Duke City Marathon which I used to volunteer for at the water stations)


11. Gymnastics (though I loved it, it is my failure...my weakness)


12. Judo


13. Yoga


14. Pilates


15. Body Sculpting (a class I teach at CNM and Stone Age)


16. Triathlons (I've done six so far and plan on more, it started out as a fulfilled curiosity)


17. Hiking (though I kind of hate it)





Have never in my life done but look like I can/have been asked if I do:


1. Ballet





Things I dream of doing some day:


1. Aerial silks (yes, I've long dreamed of running away with the circus)


2. Marathon


3. Multi-pitch climbing

That one guy

I'm gonna go find my biological father now. I'll let you know how that goes.

Microwave Protocol & toxic waste in my office

I was in the CNM cafeteria today for a nice 2 o'clock lunch. Didn't really feel like dealing with crazy sandwich lady today so I settled for a prepackaged lunch of odwalla Tangerine!, fruit, and mac-and-cheese.

Very telling of the rest of CNM, there is only one very old microwave in the cafeteria. I opened it's door to find someone else's tv dinner. Looked around for several seconds. Done!, it kept flashing. So, I took it out. With a napkin, I carefully layed it on top of the microwave and put mine in for 1.5 min. Noone was coming to claim this sad excuse for a meal. Pressed start. Found a table. Set my things down. Turn around to supervise my meal, unlike some, and there she was. The owner. Walk to the microwave.


"It wasn't done," she said in a bitchy defensive way as I stared at my own meal that had been removed from the microwave while still cooking. Visions of pushing her down, snatching her stupid fucking weight-watchers-piece-of-shit meal out of the microwave and throwing it down were dancing through my head as I reminded myself that I was faculty.

A girl that had come up after me offered for me to go in front of her. I decided that I'd go back to my office and use my own. You know, stop pretending to be a student.

So when I get back, these three huge ass guys come in to inspect this drum of potentially hazardous material that has been in this office since I was a student here. Noone knows what's in it. Noone knows where it came from...and an analysis costs $1000. I'm not sticking my nose in it, but I want it out. Whoever thought it was a good idea to use this office as a storage unit for waste material should be fired...and perhaps was since noone seems to know where it came from.

Boo. I miss the girls.