Girls from Outer Space

Chris and the girls and I went skiing all together yesterday.

Boy did I have a good time. Since they have been back in our lives, Cassia has been very loving. Doesn't leave my side, lots of hugs for both of us...etc. etc. Terra is much more subtle about it but I can tell she's happy to be back...and that I'm back.

Yesterday was more of the same. Hugs and love yous and I've missed yous...

Terra and I talked about random crap and how she wanted me to start snowboarding with her.

Cassia, more inquisitive, while we were alone on a ski lift, asked if her dad had been smoking (no) and asked why we broke up. A heart to heart ensued. She spoke well beyond her 11 years. She told me how she couldn't wait to be a big sister some day...

I can't tell you how much they mean to me. I can't tell you how much I care about them, their safety, their well-being, their future...

Something seems wrong though. I feel a barrier. I haven't known them for long. I don't know their past. I feel that I'm third in a line that is too long. I feel like I'm having a hard time relating. I don't want to screw up. I want to give them everything in the world that they need. To be a provider of something simple that no one else can give them. Is that wrong?

I want a baby. I want to bring a person into my life that will take my heart and soul with them as they walk around in this world. I want to give myself away that I may be whole.