A far cry

Fire me?

I couldn't tell her.
She kept asking and I couldn't give her an answer.
She would have had to fire me right then and there if I had.
I couldn't tell her. I need the job.

I need it because of health insurance
I need it to pay my bills
I need it because it has flexible hours
I need it because I can't afford not to
I need it because this time I want to be mature...

I'm in trouble.
I'm in big trouble.
I am in serious trouble.

I can't tell her that every day I wake up sick to my stomach at the thought of going.
I can't tell her that I hate it more than I've ever hated before.
I can't tell her that I'm sick of them and their ethics.
I can't tell her that what they did to me was wrong. It's over.
I can't tell her that I've been looking for better since I've been here.
I can't tell her that all I want to do is find some way out.

I can't. There is no way out. I need it.
I'm in so much trouble.

I must find a way to make the feelings go away. I must find a circular motivation that keeps me alive at this place I feel souless for.

Please help me.

There is no excuse-It's January...no room for mistakes.

I'm writing this today with the assumption that no one will read this today...and possibly for a while. I'm safe for now.

Every time I read a bit of Chris's blog tears well up in my eyes causing my vision, truthfully and metaphorically, to blur. I usually pull myself away from him in order to get the perspective I want when I read it. A perspective of a friend instead of someone who shares his bed. It's easier that way. This time, even as a friend, and maybe because he means more to me as a friend than I thought, I couldn't help but feel connected. Deeply. To the words, the thread, the thought pattern, the beauty of the simple, pure meanings.

As I sit here at work thinking too deeply about how miserable I make myself under my present circumstances, I can't help but feel selfish in some small way. As if where I was a year ago was somehow much nicer a place than where I am now.

I'm thinking about who I was when I was Chris's friend and the differences that becoming his girlfriend has brought. I'm much different. One thing that hasn't changed since he told me that his girlfriend in England "wasn't the one" is that I couldn't bear to see him with anyone else. Ironically, I was the one who flaunted my dates at him as some sort of shield. A shield from the way I was feeling about him.

In my Christmas card this year, he wrote that I have made him happy in 2007. I think again about the misery I've brought myself by wallowing in self pity over a job I'm half-heartedly surviving through and I can't help but wonder if he really means that. Can I, have I...been the person I meant to be for him...for me? I want to think that this last year has been well spent but it feels like more of a transitional phase, like a larval or caterpillar-to-butterfly sort of thing.

This makes me feel somewhat less selfish but no less worried. I know intrinsically how much I love him, how much I would do for him if I weren't so wrapped up in this cocoon.

When I met him and in the ensuing months, I fell in love with being around him. I wanted nothing more than to be in his presence, to climb, to laugh, to drink, to go to concerts with his girls, to text until midnight and every morning, to just be.

He gives me something that no one else can.

I feel sick. I feel bad. I feel like me...but not the me that made me who I am and who I remember at some point that I was. By letting myself down I feel as though I've let him down. Don't fall behind on anything or you will risk falling behind on everything.

It's hard to focus on two people when you've never even been able to focus on one before. I'm miserably bad at this.

School, family, family, family, school, work, work, home, cleaning, moving, studying, loving, sleeping....no room for mistakes, just room for improvement.

Words to Live by

It might be sad that I find my "words to live by" in songs with misspelled titles and from bands with strange names but they gotta come from somewhere right?

Changes come
Keep your dignety
Take the high road
Take it like a man...

-Momma Sed, V is for Vagina, Puscifer

I will not sleep

Wracking the brain
wracking the body

looking searching
not finding

answers

it's not like I didn't have it together
it's not like I was thinking horrible thoughts

But the adrenaline floats in my blood as if it were invited...

An unwelcomed guest
One who is relentless
One who will not be cast out by thoughts of puppy dogs and hugs and Justin Timberlake songs

Every one worse than the last

It is somehow controlling itself
Growing cooling pumping heating grabbing twisting fucking with me

I wish I could spit in its face...but I can't
All I see is me my body my face

I'm somehow not understanding how any of this started
How to get away from it

It holds me close by making me cold
and trapped

I'm tired and I can't see the way

It haunts me even now, not waiting for a weak moment, it already has me
it's breath hot on my neck shooting its spray of anxiety hormones into my
bloodstream so that it is always there always with me

I will not sleep

Dear Baby Jesus,

Thank you for thy bounty. Thank you for your blessings. Please Dear Baby Jesus, save me from being stupid like the people I deal with every day. In the name of Dear Baby Jesus,

AMEN

Many More Unexpected Gifts

This New Year's was even more different than this Christmas was. Much more fun than many of the ones before it and I got to spend it with some of my favorite people. And we didn't call it New Years....We called it NewChristYearMasNes because well, this was our Christmas/New Years with the girls. And boy was it packed with some unexpected pleasures.

Some of them were unexpected because of what has been expected in the past. Chris was ultra stressed on NewChristMasYearNess Eve expecting that he wouldn't have nearly enough presents for everyone. Well, not only were there enough, we went late in the day opening them and it seemed that (present company included) everyone got what they wanted. Ski lessons...rock.

Some of them were gifts that I didn't think I would get. A really warm cozy blanket that I had been eyeing from Cass, my golden luck cat with a moving arm, and a toothpick bird. It was so awesome.

Some were filled with old memories and tears. Kate sent the girls some awesome presents including pjs and itunes credits and a few other little things prefaced with cards telling them how much she loved them. Terra couldn't keep it together. And I don't blame her.

Some of them were beautiful because I'm finally a part of the crowd. Chris's Mom and Dad got me some really pretty opal earrings.

Some of them were wholly unexpected and will bring about change in the new year. The whole thing was set up creatively and in a way that was really sweet. Between two cards I found that I was receiving a dresser for Chris's home and that I was invited to stay as a resident. Today I gave Racheal my month's notice.

You Remember Last Semester...?

Right? Well then brace yourself. In two weeks, beginning January 14th, my next sememster starts, and with it comes the new stressers. I'm just looking fondly over my seemingly impossible schedule and came to the same conclusion I did when I started the program. I don't know where it went, but I had a tiny slip of paper at my desk on which was written: "Don't fall behind on anything, or you'll fall behind on everything." Thus, work as hard as you can to get the results you want. I'm half way there. Here is my tenative schedule for next semester. Keep this in mind when you call me...for anything:

Manic Monday: 530am Running, Bike in to work by 8am and leave on my bike (my beautiful, wonderful, amazingly awesome bike :)) at 430pm, at CNM for Nutrition from 530-950pm. Stay at Angela's humble abode.

Tenacious Tuesday: Rise and shine 6am to be in the pool by 630am. Weight training for women from 930-1050am and then another beautiful bike ride to work by 1130 spending 4.5 hours at work only to bike back to school by 530 for Group Leadership (which will thankfully end in 1.5 months). Back at Angela's.

Waggish Wednesday: Up and Adam to run at 530am. To work by bike from 8-430, bike to school from 530-950 for Working with Special Populations. Angela loves me, I just know it.

Theatrical Thursday: Swim time at 630, Weight Training from 930-1050, biking North to work for 6.5 hours from 1130-6pm. Finally reunite with my long lost boyfriend for some climbing, anything, just as long as I get to see him.

Friggin Friday: It's taken 25 min. just to write this week out. To work from 7-530 for a total of 10 hours today and hopefully a weekly total of 38 hours just barely eeked out.

Satirical Saturday: We're not done. Back to CNM from 8-1220 for Fitness Assessment. Work at Stone Age until they fire me for falling asleep under the heat lamp at the front counter. Saturday snuggling...gotta save up.

Strung out Sunday: We're counting our eggs before they hatch on this one. I am expecting a call from the JCC any day now. Wish me luck on landing an externship and getting the honor to work there 7 hours per week. They are in fact open on Sundays.

Chris says we can make it through this. And we can. Since I don't believe in hoping, only working/doing, I'll be reading all of my text books before classes even begin. You think I'm kidding. And to all of those who knew about my other blog of class notes...I'll be keeping that up too. If anyone would like to join me in my running, swimming, tea drinking, or would like to peel me off of the ceiling once a week to meditate, please please please respond, call me, anything. I'll need the help...one more time.