Things Not to Have in a Bath Tub...

1. A panic attack
2. Your favorite magazine...you know the one I'm talking about
3. A sloppy joe
4. A full bladder
5. Your cell phone
6. Your sunglasses...tool
7. Unka unka

Please comment and list more things not to have in a bath tub...

Note to Him

Why do we always forget those things we said to each other? Why are our memories so bad? Looking over your past blog posts I noticed how good you have been, even through the worst times. How hard that time apart was for both of us as individuals as well as the we. Now, all I want to do is tell you how much I love you. Spend the night in your arms. Listen to you chatter about soccer or biology or your students, or whatever. I like our separate places but I love letting you in. Please let's not forget how much we love each other ever again. Let's not forget how much we mean to each other. How good we are for one another. How happy we are and have been. The good things we have together.

The we.

The truth is, everlasting love can endure the hiccups. Don't stop believing in the fairytails just because of me. Don't say that there is only a small chance for us to make it. I have known so much good since I met you. I want it to last. I'm not afraid. We are strong.

Come with me.

Girls from Outer Space

Chris and the girls and I went skiing all together yesterday.

Boy did I have a good time. Since they have been back in our lives, Cassia has been very loving. Doesn't leave my side, lots of hugs for both of us...etc. etc. Terra is much more subtle about it but I can tell she's happy to be back...and that I'm back.

Yesterday was more of the same. Hugs and love yous and I've missed yous...

Terra and I talked about random crap and how she wanted me to start snowboarding with her.

Cassia, more inquisitive, while we were alone on a ski lift, asked if her dad had been smoking (no) and asked why we broke up. A heart to heart ensued. She spoke well beyond her 11 years. She told me how she couldn't wait to be a big sister some day...

I can't tell you how much they mean to me. I can't tell you how much I care about them, their safety, their well-being, their future...

Something seems wrong though. I feel a barrier. I haven't known them for long. I don't know their past. I feel that I'm third in a line that is too long. I feel like I'm having a hard time relating. I don't want to screw up. I want to give them everything in the world that they need. To be a provider of something simple that no one else can give them. Is that wrong?

I want a baby. I want to bring a person into my life that will take my heart and soul with them as they walk around in this world. I want to give myself away that I may be whole.

Other dreams

They are becoming much more vivid, life like, scary...

I had a dream about my good friend Jessica a couple of nights ago. All I remember was that I was happy during the dream. Damn it, why do I remember the not-so-nice ones but the happy ones are lost to me. This is something fundamental I must fix about myself.

Last night's dreams consisted of signing up for a program to chaperone a convict for a week (meaning he can't be out of my sight-he was James Frey from my favorite books-his young self no less), Aaron (from the gym) showing us his blue tribal tattoo...omg, and my biological father blowing me off by text message...telling me he owned a farm and dinner would not be possible as he had to get up early.

Boo dreams.

Stars without Makeup...

As I walked from my car up University on my way to teach, my two Walmart purses became designer Dolci & Gabbana's.

My $7 Payless sunglasses started sliding down my nose, cheap screws loosening, and I thought to myself "My Gucci sunglasses would never do this..."

I kept on walking, head held high. I'd just put on my makeup in my car after working out at the gym for an hour. Some paparazzi caught me off guard as I exited the gym that morning, flash bulbs going off in my face...I can just see the headline now "Stars without makeup," "Celebs go all-natural," "Gym tips from Kristol Mariza"...Just a stage name.

Evian in my hand (they won't let me drink anything else), I tried not to make eye contact with anyone. The man who walks by yells "Kristol! Since when did water become a status symbol! Are you too good for tap water? Answer me!" He's right. This happens daily, but when I went Costco brand the Tabloids did a front page of me, again, without makeup, in a 'What were they thinking!?' article, making a big deal about how shabby and 'down in the dirty hippy masses' I was. Used it to make sweeping character judgments on me...needless to say, my publicist shit a brick and got me on the phone immediately.

My bodyguards shooed the crass old foggie away and I'm left alone. So many people around. So lonely. Just me and my tiny poodle.

One time she bit a paparazzo in the ass as he was trying to get a crotch shot to say I was a slut. I laughed my ass off...and then he sued me. It was a fairly small settlement. Money for emotional damage and the bite marks on his ass...

As I enter the building, my bodyguards fade away...my designer purses are the same drab bags and my earrings turn back into Cubic Z's. My sunglasses fall right off my nose and I fumble into my classroom.

All smiles. Here, I'm just plane old Kristen. Here is where I really shine.

Upstanding citizens

Hate is not a pretty thing.
You can't be proud of it.
Or at least you shouldn't be.
Seems to be my prized fucking possession.
When do I get to relax?

Never.
The ex-wives club will always be there.
Always behind one thing or another.
Waiting to kick me in the teeth once again.

Fall flat on my ass.
Looking stupid.
Looking jealous...but I'm not.
I'm filled with rage.
Rage I can't, or would love not to have to control.
Some days I'd rather not be functional.

Some days I want to destroy.
Some days I want to sleep.
Some days I just try to be happy.
Some days I forget.

Always I'm helpless.

The things I'm most proud of....

Today, I was explaining to someone that I would be back in an hour after swimming. They replied with something like "wow, you're very active, running, yoga, swimming"...and I thought, That's not the half of it. I thought back to the life list I wrote and realized that the things I'm most proud of accomplishing are nowhere on that list...all of the physical activities I've tried/done/failed at/won medals in...





Have done once (so far):


1.Tennis


2. Cross country skiing


3. croquet


4. Samba (it's actually pretty hard)


5. Volley ball (was trying out for the team and didn't even know it)


6. Soccer (just remembered that I put on a soccer camp for kids as a girl scout)


7. Roller blading


8. Shooting (if you consider that a sport)


9. Frisbee golf


10. Mountain biking


11. Hula dance (I took a lesson with my mom while she was taking them-did it for talent show in middle school)

12. Sky Diving! I just knew I would forget something...





Have done a few times (so far):


1. Archery


2. Horse back riding


3. Flag football/ultimate frisbee (boo)


4. Ice skating


5. Roller skating (quite often as a child)


6. Downhill skiing (took it up last year and got to go again this season)


7. Olympic lifting (I was so sore, it was so fun)


8. Square dancing (actually, I did it for years growing up-favorite back then)





Have done several times/years:


1. Cheerleading (middle school and high school)


2. Belly dancing


3. Modern dance (I danced at Rodey and on a platform in the middle of a corn maze)


4. African Dance


5. Irish step dancing (performed at a wedding, talent show at Sandia, Irish venues, and have won several medals for it)


6. Swing dance (one of my favs.)


7. Climbing


8. Swimming (only in association with tris, longest-1500m)


9. Biking (tris and several races-one silver medal in the Gila, longest-65 miles, commuting, and for years as a child)


10. Running (tris and several 5ks and one 10k and a relay at the Duke City Marathon which I used to volunteer for at the water stations)


11. Gymnastics (though I loved it, it is my failure...my weakness)


12. Judo


13. Yoga


14. Pilates


15. Body Sculpting (a class I teach at CNM and Stone Age)


16. Triathlons (I've done six so far and plan on more, it started out as a fulfilled curiosity)


17. Hiking (though I kind of hate it)





Have never in my life done but look like I can/have been asked if I do:


1. Ballet





Things I dream of doing some day:


1. Aerial silks (yes, I've long dreamed of running away with the circus)


2. Marathon


3. Multi-pitch climbing

That one guy

I'm gonna go find my biological father now. I'll let you know how that goes.