DayQuil

Ah the joys of being sick with the flu at work. My periferal vision keeps clouding with colorful spots and I have to shake them out every once in a while. I feel somewhat drunk. I couldn't remember a password that I type at least twice a day, and for about two years now. Heating pad on my lap with nothing to do. Five phone calls, a handful of emails, two thank you cards, two deals. Not much. So tired. And I'll be here for about 9 hours (supposed to be 10) but I can't make it 10. Even the wet, foggy, gray outside calls me from my glass office. The germs infesting every inch of my keyboard and all the holes in my phone. Water in my glass no more. I'm so tired. There are those spots again. Wiggle Wiggle. The coughing has quieted but the pain is still there. In my back, in my legs. So much waisted time. I'm hourly and my DINOSAUR MONKEY FOOT is waiting for me. I need sleep. Thank you DayQuil for not bogging down my mind, keeping me less foggy, on task, focused...a winner. I can't fall asleep. Two more hours. And the rain calls to me. I'm so cold. So hot. Need water. It's not raining.

Alright, so I lied

Okay, maybe lied is a strong word. I had lost my faith. I have faith. I have faith that Chris will have his chapter ready for publication by Friday. I have faith that he can make all of his deadlines. It's something I do not worry about because I know that he is capable. I have faith. Hey, I don't have faith in much, so when I do, I just know.

Damn I need a bunny

Look at those little things. Their so fluffy and silly. I want one. But Aldo would eat it and I can't handle such things. My love for the bunnies precludes me from owning one at this time as I love them too much to see them get eaten. Boo. I love them so. I want free range bunnies. Oh, so happy. Really, to the point of giddiness.

No Faith

There may be no such thing.

I found out something aweful today. It confirmed the way I have felt since the beginning. But she's wrong. It's not that he doesn't take the time to get over his losses, he keeps them with him...forever. He will never "get over" "it". Or "them". He will always be married.

I won't, shouldn't, and can't "fill" a spot. People can't replace people. They are irreplaceable.

I shouldn't be here. Is this why I still feel homeless? Is this why I can't ever get there...to that place?

Shit. I should have known.


I did know.

Aside from the Boba...which I weep for even now...

I signed up for two more triathlons in May and I'm planning at least four this year if they are all a go. Two of them look like they may not happen this year. This Saturday I'm going to look for cars with my mom. I took off of work this weekend. Hopefully I'll find something. I need to start working seven days a week. My lifestyle is expensive :). Yeah. I payed, collectively, up until now, almost $200 to be a part of these triathlons. This doesn't include getting there, staying there, CHO loading there, climbing there...the list is mind numbing. Then there is my travel fund, my need to "help others," my eating habit, etc. Yet another mind numbing list.

I finally have a home but for some reason I still don't feel home. It's something I have battled with since I moved out of my Mom and Dad's home. It's not that their home feels any more like my home than anywhere else, but it has been my most perminent home. I still get my mail there. Probably always will. Well, for as long as it's feasable anyway. I still have boxes at Rachel's, I still feel guilty that my room is still only half painted over, I'm still paying rent at Angela's. It isn't home. It still feels temporary. For whatever reason. I want an office. I don't even really know what I'd do with it...only, it would be mine. Mine and noone else's. Something I didn't have to share. Only if I wanted to. And I would have boba. Lot's of it. And a fucking bunny.

I think the farm thing could work. As long as I have my office, my boba, and my fucking bunny...oh, and my career.

The best things in life are (not free):

My brother
My family
Chris
Terra & Cassia
My bunny
My dog
My triathlons
Boba (it makes me happy damn it)
My doctor
Training
My heart rate

I didn't get my fucking boba.

I didn't get my fucking boba. I payed $4.22 cents for that green tastless shit without my fucking boba. God damn it. I wanted that. I needed it. It really would have made me happy.

If this day were mine

If this day were mine I'd paint a second coat of primer on my red-no-more walls.

If this day were mine I'd take my beautiful bike out for a long spin (or even a short one at home on the trainer).

If this day were mine I'd eat breakfast wherever and stay there until whenever.

If this day were mine I'd swim for two hours.

If this day were mine I'd read my crisp brand new book.

If this day were mine I'd be putting together my 20 Pilates routine for my class.

If this day were mine I'd be doing Pilates.

If this day were mine I'd be teaching Pilates to a bunch of mini chinnies.

If this day were mine I'd be anywhere but here.

If this day were mine I'd be climbing with Chris.

If this day were mine I would make a nice dinner that took way too long.

If this day were mine I'd see my brother and give him his gift.

If this day were mine I would be in line at the Post Office to turn in my passport application and swear my oath.

If this day were mine I would shop for V-day presents for the girls and my brother.

If this day were mine I'd go speak to the woman sitting in her office at the art department at UNM.

This is my day. I chose to work for money. I chose to get on a bus and get off at the correct stop. Tomorrow and the next day and the next...Tonight I will choose a different future. Someday, my day will be what I want and not always what I desperately need.