One day God spoke to Adam and Eve
He told them that he had a gift for each of them, but that they had to decide who got what
"The first gift is the gift of being able to pee while standing up"
Being excited about getting gifts, without hesitation, Adam exclaims "Pee standing up! That would be awesome! I'll take that one."
God says "Okay Adam- peeing while standing up, it's yours. Eve, you get the other...multiple orgasms"
Joke #2.
A hot blond walks into a casino and straight over to the craps table. A couple of dealers are standing around the table. The blond is eager to play. "I'm feelin' lucky tonight but I feel even more lucky when I'm completely nude...do you mind?" The dealers shake their heads in amazement. She strips down, shakes the dice... "Come on! Mama needs a new set of clothes" and rolls the dice. "I won I won!" she exclaims, jumping up and down excitedly.
The woman takes her chips, gathers her clothes and runs out of the casino.
One dealer looks at the other and asks " What did she roll?"
"I don't know, I thought you were watching."...
Moral of the story: Not all blonds are dumb, but all men are men.
Joke #3.
A blond and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.
They start gambling-a friendly betting game.
"Okay, so if you can't answer one of my questions, you have to give me $5. If I can't answer one of yours, I give you $50," says the lawyer. "What is the distance from the Earth to the nearest star?"
Without saying a word, the blonde forks over the $5.
"What walks up a hill in the morning on two legs, but walks down the hill in the evening on four?" asks the blonde.
"Okay, you got me." He hands her the $50. She puts it away in her purse...
There is a brief silence...
"Okay, but what was the answer to your riddle?" asks the lawyer.
Without saying a word, the blonde forks over another $5.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Love list #2.
Again, the rules as stated where I found them: Do not link the list to specific people, etc. You must think by first loving yourself...
1. I love the type of focus that makes everything seem so far away
2. I love the shoes sitting by the window ready to go to the garden
3. I love crying when it has nothing to do with my female cycle
4. I love discovering new insights into my own body
5. I love planning, then un-planning, then re-planning my day and having no one notice one bit
6. I love opening myself up to the possibility of pure emotion and then being able to explain it-the taste of it
7. I love passion in most forms
8. I love going into something with a plan and then being able to 180 it within moments
9. I love that it could be a year from the last time I hear a song and I can still sing the lyrics by feeling out the beat
10. I love that all I have to do is think about the feelings I was having at that particular moment that I parked my car in order to remember where I parked it...
1. I love the type of focus that makes everything seem so far away
2. I love the shoes sitting by the window ready to go to the garden
3. I love crying when it has nothing to do with my female cycle
4. I love discovering new insights into my own body
5. I love planning, then un-planning, then re-planning my day and having no one notice one bit
6. I love opening myself up to the possibility of pure emotion and then being able to explain it-the taste of it
7. I love passion in most forms
8. I love going into something with a plan and then being able to 180 it within moments
9. I love that it could be a year from the last time I hear a song and I can still sing the lyrics by feeling out the beat
10. I love that all I have to do is think about the feelings I was having at that particular moment that I parked my car in order to remember where I parked it...
Passionate Hate vs. Uncompromising Love
Fills my eyes and I almost forget the other exists
Nothing but that moment on my tongue
That feeling- deep, eternal
My heart beats as if paving its way out
Hate: Looking for a way to escape Love: Looking for a way to bronze the ephemeral
Makes my body feel very real
Makes my mind stop functioning correctly
Eat nothing
Feel everything
Stomach full of Hate: daggers Love: butterflies
I want to say "Choose me"
I want to say "Never again"
I need to say "Fine"
I need to feel fine first
A great friend told me that she just wanted to feel...this. Whatever this was, whether it was love or lust or hatred or fear or anger, hurt, Joy, Godliness. For that moment, letting her truth guide her. For that moment, making her own decision that maybe by feeling it she could understand it.
As if not trusted to make the decision, neither are permitted
By one comes anger and rage and disappointment and hurt
by the other comes embarrassment and fear and misunderstanding
Neither do I win.
Nothing but that moment on my tongue
That feeling- deep, eternal
My heart beats as if paving its way out
Hate: Looking for a way to escape Love: Looking for a way to bronze the ephemeral
Makes my body feel very real
Makes my mind stop functioning correctly
Eat nothing
Feel everything
Stomach full of Hate: daggers Love: butterflies
I want to say "Choose me"
I want to say "Never again"
I need to say "Fine"
I need to feel fine first
A great friend told me that she just wanted to feel...this. Whatever this was, whether it was love or lust or hatred or fear or anger, hurt, Joy, Godliness. For that moment, letting her truth guide her. For that moment, making her own decision that maybe by feeling it she could understand it.
As if not trusted to make the decision, neither are permitted
By one comes anger and rage and disappointment and hurt
by the other comes embarrassment and fear and misunderstanding
Neither do I win.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
22.
22. Cooks
23. Loves Scrapple, chocolate covered salt water taffy, and a laundry list of other confections.
24. Is "left handed"
25. Has a famous recipe for chili (Texas, not green :) )
26. Used to ride a bike to work every day
27. Likes fishing
28. Has 2 cats
29. Is a great photog
30. Is a brilliant writer
23. Loves Scrapple, chocolate covered salt water taffy, and a laundry list of other confections.
24. Is "left handed"
25. Has a famous recipe for chili (Texas, not green :) )
26. Used to ride a bike to work every day
27. Likes fishing
28. Has 2 cats
29. Is a great photog
30. Is a brilliant writer
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Happy Birthday Me
About half a year or more ago, I decided to think about finding my father...well, I've been thinking about thinking about it for more than a while. Anyway, about a month or more ago I got his ss# from my Mom. Found him probably a week or so ago. Decided to think about thinking about calling him. The day before my birthday, he called my Dad. Sheesh, I was so slow he actually found my Dad before he found me and before I called him. Asked a ton of the obvious questions, and my Dad in turn told me as we were headed out for dinner. Said he wanted me to call in the morning...on my birthday.
So I did. I was so simple. Easy. Back from Spin class I walked out into Chris' back yard, sat down, and dialed him up...as though I were calling an old friend. He picks up, obviously not recognizing the #. I ask if this is "Mr. Mckernan" and when he says yes I tell him my name. Ah, the moment of realization.
Two hours later and I had learned more than I ever thought I would know. For one, he goes by Dan now, not Danny. And for two, he does have a job and he's actually quite smart. This may not sound like a revelation to you but for years I had been convinced that every sinister looking man running my way was out to steal me from my Mom and prostitute me out for drug money...just saying- I was happy to find out that this was far from the truth.
Things:
1. We actually have a very similar political stance.
2. He has 2 sisters and 1 brother.
3. Never been remarried or had any kids after us
4. Loves folk festivals- Dar Williams and Arlo Guthrie are his favorite
5. I got to talk to my grandmother for a minute
6. I have lots of cousins
7. He has a myspace page devoted to finding me.
8. I was conceived in Germany
9. Not much of a Dead Head
10. Has a tickle me elmo somewhere...lol.
11. Used to be part of a cover band called the tangents-very good.
12. Is very handy with computers- linux
13. Doesn't smoke
14. Manages a sea food department
15. Used to work in Casinos making very good money
16. Remembers my Mom's family
17. Has blue eyes with brown in one.
18. Voted for O'Bama
19. Told me to tell my mom that he thinks very highly of her. That was nice to hear.
20. Lives in NH
21. Has a sister that lives in AZ
Since then I had a conversation with my cousin Karen. She doesn't remember much about him, but told me to be careful, guarded, smart. Obviously, I'll respect the wishes of my mom and not discuss her, I'll respect not telling him where they are, I'll even be physically careful...but I cannot and will not be emotionally guarded. I think he deserves a chance of his own on that one.
So I did. I was so simple. Easy. Back from Spin class I walked out into Chris' back yard, sat down, and dialed him up...as though I were calling an old friend. He picks up, obviously not recognizing the #. I ask if this is "Mr. Mckernan" and when he says yes I tell him my name. Ah, the moment of realization.
Two hours later and I had learned more than I ever thought I would know. For one, he goes by Dan now, not Danny. And for two, he does have a job and he's actually quite smart. This may not sound like a revelation to you but for years I had been convinced that every sinister looking man running my way was out to steal me from my Mom and prostitute me out for drug money...just saying- I was happy to find out that this was far from the truth.
Things:
1. We actually have a very similar political stance.
2. He has 2 sisters and 1 brother.
3. Never been remarried or had any kids after us
4. Loves folk festivals- Dar Williams and Arlo Guthrie are his favorite
5. I got to talk to my grandmother for a minute
6. I have lots of cousins
7. He has a myspace page devoted to finding me.
8. I was conceived in Germany
9. Not much of a Dead Head
10. Has a tickle me elmo somewhere...lol.
11. Used to be part of a cover band called the tangents-very good.
12. Is very handy with computers- linux
13. Doesn't smoke
14. Manages a sea food department
15. Used to work in Casinos making very good money
16. Remembers my Mom's family
17. Has blue eyes with brown in one.
18. Voted for O'Bama
19. Told me to tell my mom that he thinks very highly of her. That was nice to hear.
20. Lives in NH
21. Has a sister that lives in AZ
Since then I had a conversation with my cousin Karen. She doesn't remember much about him, but told me to be careful, guarded, smart. Obviously, I'll respect the wishes of my mom and not discuss her, I'll respect not telling him where they are, I'll even be physically careful...but I cannot and will not be emotionally guarded. I think he deserves a chance of his own on that one.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I'm just so tired
Seriously. I'm fucking tired.
I just can't stop thinking that everyone goes through a period in their life like this. Yet everyone keeps gasping at me as if I had just told them that I was living a double life as the president of New Zealand...sort of a mix of- 'I always suspected' and 'What the What?!'
So then after I explain that this is probably one of the least stressful times in my life I figure out that no, in fact most people are not at all interested, not only in having three jobs, but having three jobs that require high physical demand (even if you don't want to work out). That most people don't add their own work out routine on top of that, and juggle a time slot with psych appointments and financial independence classes. That, no, indeed most people do not think that it is a reasonable request to require them to wake up at 4am three times a week and 7am on Saturday mornings, plus be flexible enough to make it in on time to open on Sundays...
But such was my choice.
I love my jobs. I've had enough shitty jobs to know who I am and what kind of stress I can handle. I can't handle standing in front of a door in the middle of the winter without a jacket with 50 tvs around me taking peoples' IDs. I can't handle cold calling people who obviously don't make enough money to buy the kind of cars we sell.
I can, and do, handle going into a fitness class completely unprepared. I can handle physical limitations of clients. I can handle cleaning exercise equipment at 5am. And I can certainly handle working out every day of the work week with my students.
Right now I'm dealing with orphaned instructors, juggling class schedules for 25 instructors at 4 campuses over 2 semesters with over 100 sections, 24 stressed out students, 4.5 hours of written finals and 20 hours of practical finals to prepare for, 10 physical fitness classes per week, 2 lecture classes per week, open house to 3000 high school students this Friday, budget cuts, three non-working treadmills, saving my own money by practicing discipline (which means conveniently forgetting to eat so that I can eat at my parents' house:)), trying to find motivation and time to run/swim/or bike on my own time, battling sandbagged eyes, having two completely separate families that both need my full attention, painting, being a friend, finding some kind of time to concentrate on starting my business, and now I'm going to bed...
I wouldn't trade it for the world right now. Someday I'll trade it for a home, and children, and animals, and my own business. For right now I'm happy.
Happiness for me is defined by how much of myself I can give away, that I may be whole one day.
I just can't stop thinking that everyone goes through a period in their life like this. Yet everyone keeps gasping at me as if I had just told them that I was living a double life as the president of New Zealand...sort of a mix of- 'I always suspected' and 'What the What?!'
So then after I explain that this is probably one of the least stressful times in my life I figure out that no, in fact most people are not at all interested, not only in having three jobs, but having three jobs that require high physical demand (even if you don't want to work out). That most people don't add their own work out routine on top of that, and juggle a time slot with psych appointments and financial independence classes. That, no, indeed most people do not think that it is a reasonable request to require them to wake up at 4am three times a week and 7am on Saturday mornings, plus be flexible enough to make it in on time to open on Sundays...
But such was my choice.
I love my jobs. I've had enough shitty jobs to know who I am and what kind of stress I can handle. I can't handle standing in front of a door in the middle of the winter without a jacket with 50 tvs around me taking peoples' IDs. I can't handle cold calling people who obviously don't make enough money to buy the kind of cars we sell.
I can, and do, handle going into a fitness class completely unprepared. I can handle physical limitations of clients. I can handle cleaning exercise equipment at 5am. And I can certainly handle working out every day of the work week with my students.
Right now I'm dealing with orphaned instructors, juggling class schedules for 25 instructors at 4 campuses over 2 semesters with over 100 sections, 24 stressed out students, 4.5 hours of written finals and 20 hours of practical finals to prepare for, 10 physical fitness classes per week, 2 lecture classes per week, open house to 3000 high school students this Friday, budget cuts, three non-working treadmills, saving my own money by practicing discipline (which means conveniently forgetting to eat so that I can eat at my parents' house:)), trying to find motivation and time to run/swim/or bike on my own time, battling sandbagged eyes, having two completely separate families that both need my full attention, painting, being a friend, finding some kind of time to concentrate on starting my business, and now I'm going to bed...
I wouldn't trade it for the world right now. Someday I'll trade it for a home, and children, and animals, and my own business. For right now I'm happy.
Happiness for me is defined by how much of myself I can give away, that I may be whole one day.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I'll have this week over easy...
My life isn't anywhere near as cool or exciting or neat sounding as Chris'. He has gone full spectrum. From bad to worse, from good to extraordinary. I have and probably always will stay on a much shorter spectrum. I prefer consistancy. In my own special fucked up way...that's exactly what I've got.
This week feels like an egg over easy. Believe me, it wasn't easy...but it was strangely peaceful. When all the lights turned to white. Filled so full that I have no time to get too flustered or think about unhappy things. Cooked just right...perfectly cooked eggs are hard to do.
Last week was my first week in my 3rd job. It took some time to get used to. This week I feel set...not fully settled, but I get up, get there on time and find sleep when I can. I feel like a tired Mom...who has yet to have the kids. They exist somewhere inside of me. Resting more patiently than I for them to finally see this world. They have no idea yet. They haven't seen the beauty and pain that either of us have. Someday.
A perfect egg isn't too runny...and doesn't taste like an egg really. Crispy around the edges and just soft enough in the middle. Covered with cheese and spices.
And it goes with everything...
Something like this:
March into Monday: "Fake Spring Break" (boo)...
420 Wake up
445 Get to Open Gym
Signed up an initial consultation with my first client. Sold her 4 more sessions.
8 Get home w/ some poptarts, take Chris to pick up his parents' car and drop his off at the shop.
Back home to sleep until 1120
12 Teach weight training
3 Teach Body Sculpting
5 UNM to run on a treadmill for 3 miles.
My Nutrition students have off for "Fake spring break"
Laundry and a movie and a great dinner with the ever wonderful Chris (Rachel Getting Married)
Bed by midnight
Try not to tread on me Tuesday:
530 start with a poptart
6am Open Gym to Teach a Spin class for one client. Biked 22 miles.
Came home and slept until 920
10 finally get to work, CNM (job #2)
Home briefly to eat after work
530 Teach Body Sculpting at Stone Age- 4 students
Climbed fairly well
To Chris' sister's house for some yummy corned beef and potatoes
Arrived at O'Neill's, saw 2 of my students, had a hard cider and lots of water...got hit on twice (save me!)
Came home with my love
Wiped out by Wednesday:
4am up up up without the sunshine
5 Open Gym
530 Train with my client
645 stopped off at Just Muffin Around to talk to a member of Open Gym and owner of the muffin cafe.
met my client's mother :).
Home to catch a bit of sleep
9-11 Third week of the 10 week IDA Program, where I am destined to become a business owner
12 Must teach Weight training again
1255 Call 911 to report a homeless person falling asleep in the gutter.
1-240 picked up my brother and watched Death Race 2000 at my house!
3 Teach Body Sculpting
4 Meet with a student
430 Brother's house to watch the last 20 min. of the movie
505 Subway, how sweet, my brother paid
530-8 CPR renewal at CNM Work Force Training Center
Back to Chris' to be with my long lost love...:) Love you smooshy bear.
Today is Thursday:
630 Rise and dark
Take a wrong turn...to Stone Age at 710
712-805 Yoga with a loyal Fin
830 To work we go
1030 Home to wait for Chris
Pick up Chris' car, Drop his parents' off, drop me back off at my house to eat huevos rancheros
1230 Back at it
4 Make my way back home to try and sleep for a smidge
530 Teach body sculpting at Stone Age
645 Run 3 miles
Friday will finally come:
Up at 4
5 Open Gym
615 Booked for an initial personal training consultation
715 Try to resist temptation to go home and sleep
730 UNM to run
Home to sleep
12 Teach weight training once again
1 Leave school and never look back...until Monday
2 On my way to Santa Fe
3 Julie teaches my Body Sculpting class...bless her heart
4 Check in
5 Relax with my love
Spring Break Saturday:
More relaxing...
Another "Fake Spring Break" day for my Fitness Assessment students
Sunday is not stunning, but it will do:
Up ?
9-4 Stone Age Desk duty
430 Parents' house
630 say goodbye
Get home, get ready to do it all again.
As my days get longer my memory gets worse and my days and nights run together...Sort of like that delicious yellow and white swirl of a sunnyside up...break the yoke.
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