I'm writing this today with the assumption that no one will read this today...and possibly for a while. I'm safe for now.
Every time I read a bit of Chris's blog tears well up in my eyes causing my vision, truthfully and metaphorically, to blur. I usually pull myself away from him in order to get the perspective I want when I read it. A perspective of a friend instead of someone who shares his bed. It's easier that way. This time, even as a friend, and maybe because he means more to me as a friend than I thought, I couldn't help but feel connected. Deeply. To the words, the thread, the thought pattern, the beauty of the simple, pure meanings.
As I sit here at work thinking too deeply about how miserable I make myself under my present circumstances, I can't help but feel selfish in some small way. As if where I was a year ago was somehow much nicer a place than where I am now.
I'm thinking about who I was when I was Chris's friend and the differences that becoming his girlfriend has brought. I'm much different. One thing that hasn't changed since he told me that his girlfriend in England "wasn't the one" is that I couldn't bear to see him with anyone else. Ironically, I was the one who flaunted my dates at him as some sort of shield. A shield from the way I was feeling about him.
In my Christmas card this year, he wrote that I have made him happy in 2007. I think again about the misery I've brought myself by wallowing in self pity over a job I'm half-heartedly surviving through and I can't help but wonder if he really means that. Can I, have I...been the person I meant to be for him...for me? I want to think that this last year has been well spent but it feels like more of a transitional phase, like a larval or caterpillar-to-butterfly sort of thing.
This makes me feel somewhat less selfish but no less worried. I know intrinsically how much I love him, how much I would do for him if I weren't so wrapped up in this cocoon.
When I met him and in the ensuing months, I fell in love with being around him. I wanted nothing more than to be in his presence, to climb, to laugh, to drink, to go to concerts with his girls, to text until midnight and every morning, to just be.
He gives me something that no one else can.
I feel sick. I feel bad. I feel like me...but not the me that made me who I am and who I remember at some point that I was. By letting myself down I feel as though I've let him down. Don't fall behind on anything or you will risk falling behind on everything.
It's hard to focus on two people when you've never even been able to focus on one before. I'm miserably bad at this.
School, family, family, family, school, work, work, home, cleaning, moving, studying, loving, sleeping....no room for mistakes, just room for improvement.
