Don't worry

We all have a lie...

Pondering Negotiations and Unspoken Agreements

I thought I was paying attention as I was staring at the flashing school lights, but then I saw the crossing guard...the word slow on his sign making no sense to me. He whisled his whisle as a slammed on my brakes to slow down finally realizing where I was.

My own love list

I found a new picture that I had never seen before. Attached to it was a love list. A list of things you love without attaching those things to any certain person. It is supposed to help you figure out who you are. Guess what. I just so happen to be trying to do just that very thing. So here goes...

I love that there are too many truths to see to a given story. I love being sore after a really nice workout. I love sharing yoga with my students. I love that anyone can choose to be my student. I love that certain things just come easy to me and I don't have to understand why. I love the feeling of stretching after sex. I love coming home knowing that the only thing I'm going to do before bed is soak in tub of semi-hot water. I love that I have a ton of shit to do tomorrow that I absolutely have to get done. I love being needed.


I love when I forget to eat. I love running when the only thing I can think about is the sound of my shoes hitting the ground and the feeling of my lungs expanding and contracting. I love making something simple to eat for me and only me nobody else. I love speaking jibberish that no one else understands. I love finding that person, those people who understand. I love my kind of crazy. I love that hope means that I have already failed, that I should have put in the work instead of wasting time hoping.

I love using my body in as many different ways as I can and have still more to try. I love smiling into someone's eyes and having them know exactly what I mean. I love being naked as much as possible whenever possible. I love when I have no idea what someone is saying but having it make sense later when I am alone. I love forgetting all together that I have a cell phone. I love making someone's day just that much easier or happier or better. I love that my sub-conscious mind is much smarter than I am. I love making people laugh uncomfortably because they know I mean it. I love my ass. I love memorizing all the words to rap because of I have no idea why and I love that too. I love that I am scared shitless to find out who I am but I am still making this small attempt at it.

An indirect Quote

Life is like a box of dark chocolate nugety glass. You know you're going to get hurt.

A rare dream

In general my dreams are as stupid as everything I say and as mixed up as everything I think when I am awake. No big deal. I usually can't remember much and even when I do none of it makes sense or I'm simply falling or paralized or blind...

Last night summed up all of the reasons I've never lived alone. I came into my apartment at about 11pm quite tired after swimming and yoga. My eyes just wouldn't focus and my halls and lighting are set up in a way that they invite strange shadows and flickers, etc. If you aren't paying attention you may see "movement" (eg light and shadows from windows, etc.) out of the corner of your eye. I checked the shower as I have done all my life when I stay alone, as if checking it would make the monster go away before the curtain was opened. I made sure that when I re-opened the mirrored medicine cabinet that I didn't look directly into the mirror. I crawled as deep into my covers as possible before turning off the last light and imagined what it would be like if I actually believed in ghosts.

During the night I was restless. Kept waking up because something else on my body would fall asleep or my heart would do something weird, at least I thought it was...

The details of the dream are hard to come by, but I distinctly remember starting to bring seemingly random items into a room. Then it all started to come to me...I had been bringing very closely related items into the room and knew that upon the last trip with the last items in my hands I would complete the link to the other side...I walked into the room with something in my right hand and a baby on my left hip. No telling who's baby it was. As I entered a horrifying figure appeared at flickered as a lightening bolt would infront of me. I basically jumped out of my sleep body's skin. I left the room to bring the baby to safety and re-entered the room alone. The same figure reappeared infront of me. When I left again the baby was lost. My father kept asking me what had happened to the baby. I didn't know. I didn't leave her in the room.

It seems to me that our minds put together seemingly random things into the disconnected show that make up our dreams. My feeling is that our brains have made neural connections between certain thoughts and those pathways of our subconcious mind have suddenly been opened while we dream. When I remember my dreams I like to take note of any connections I can still bring forth into my concious mind. Because that's what our concious mind does...it tries to make sense of stimuli that make very little real sense at all.

Who was that little baby? Why was she the last link? Why did I enter the room twice when I was really scared and knew what was going to happen? Why do our dreams fade away so quickly? I am left to ponder these questions during yet another night alone in my new apartment.