The Smell of Bohemia

It seems as though my ab workouts have been paying off, because for the last 48 hours they have been contracting with such force as to preclude me from proper digestion. This however, is a bold faced lie. My body has had far from the proper prescribed diet of exercise and even farther from the proper prescribed diet of food and drink that should indeed follow with the lack of proper prescribed exercise. So it was to my surprise that in spite of my stomach being shaped like a bloated prize pumpkin, that twice in the last two days I have been mentally felt-up, as it were, upon these two men's noses getting a wiff of the book in my hand. These two men were frighteningly similar in their life cadences. Both proclaimed that Jitterbug Perfume and Tom Robbins were their favorites of all time. Both were strongly college-esk, in location, financial situation, and all around look. Both had slightly more light brownish-red hair than face. Both were thirty seconds-or-less human interaction in which they took me completely off guard, listened to my one line egg-sentence scramble, quipped once more, and then quickly cut off all further exchange. Here I was hiding Che this whole time. Methinks I should restrict my reading of this Bohemian Rhapsody to the privacy of my own quarters.

3 Faces of a Gemini: Just a poem

While I look into his face

I turn my back to him

and bittersweet memories of him flood my mind

Hello love

goodbye my friend

goodbye my lover

Split by our anatomy

split by differences of opinion

split by our physical location

A wonderful man

a wonderful help

a wonderful dancer

He touches me

he married me

he captivated me for a moment in time

I want to be here beside him

i need him to back away

i understood why

peace

controversy

short but long lived

The deep part of me

my imagination

my adventure

A fortune cookie

a mormon

a new step

I am beautiful

I am one of many

I am a small journey

An uncertain future

a present game

a past kept hidden

The smallest silent storm

The tempest awakens the senses
Panic arrising and subsiding
origination from somewhere deep
growing exponentially
back and forth
back and forth
walking through a past it was not born unto
and taking it on as a relief
and as a burdon





each turn presents blessings
and horrifying pictures of distruction
hot sensations of the pain
but no way to see
and no want or need to do so



back and forth
back and forth
the only words to find have already
been written and perfected
noone to hear them
take them in
eat them whole like cherries
but the one who walks alone





fear of falling over the edge tempts
thoughts of jumping instead
watching the back and forth
back and forth
behind the eyes
sickness from the pit of the stomach
but it stands awe struck by the
convergence of day and night
of love and swirling pink and blue and black sky
falling and being lifted up at the exact same moment





merging and flowing and reversing
back and forth
back and forth





twice as many
half as much
the same to the eye
volume and condition
differ
from head to heart and back again





A life lived so perfect
the peach tears from the branch
reaching for the ground
so full so wet
but still back and forth
back and forth





Everything it holds from the future
everything it is from the past
Beauty held in the rain drops
splashes on the face makes it feel alive
pushes it back and restarts it
brewing until nothing happens again

The Happiest Goth

I thought for a while about posting a list of things I hate, things that I can't stand, things that piss me off so greatly...but that list would be way too long for this blog. Sorry, instead you get:

10 THINGS THAT MAKE KRISTEN HAPPY TO THE POINT OF GIDDY

1. Bunnies

Any time I'm unimaginably sad about whatever, I google bunnies. O M G. I pretty much explode into joyous giggles every time I do this. Even now I have a stupid grin plastered to my face. Works every time.

2. School

I know I've said some things...things I regret...but things are different now. I've changed. Take me back baby....I love you school.

It doesn't matter that the classes are 5 hours long, or that I have to be there on Saturday morning, or that I pay rent at two different places to make it, or that I have to commute across the city by bus and walk to get there, or that the temperature in the classroom is always wrong...I always want to be there. I love every minute of it. With every test and quiz and homework I study for, turn in, and get back I think about what I'm working towards. And that makes me unequivocally happy.

3. Music- usually the hard core kind

Huxley was right when he said that "Next to silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is music." Now, I don't really care what kind of music he actually meant, because it doesn't matter. Music has always been the one I've turned to. The self expression, the need to be part of something bigger, the lyrics mixing with the sounds, it's overwhelmingly therapeutic.

One of my favorite songs is probably the most disturbing I've ever heard, but if I turn it down low or listen to it on a crowded bus with headphones, it sends shivers down my spine and I feel at home. Sometimes it's what gets me through the day.

The sweet hard painful lullabies softly screamed into my ear satiate the tortured beast that lives in me. What can I do, I've got Irish blood.

4. Burgundy

She is the best dog I've ever met. Ever. Hands down. I'll never love another sentient being with four legs and a waggy tail as much as I love Burg. She has been trained by the best, loved by the best, and it shows. Half the time I'm at my parent's house I'm hanging out with my family. The other half is spent rubbing da tummy, playing tug of war, running around, being lick attacked, and saying crap like "oh my goodness who's da cutest, yur da cutest, yur so cute, look at 'er face." Yes, even I, the self proclaimed dog hater will let my IQ fall and roll around on the floor with Burg. I got her while canvassing for PIRG one day and yadayadayada she ended up with my parents. They were going to give her away and then they fell in love with her. And who wouldn't? Wook at dat face.

5. Laughter

Whether it's making people laugh, or watching youtube videos with my boss, or bullshiting with my brother, I love laughing. http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=126501&fr=yvmtf

This is a yahoo video called Awkward Rick goes to the Air Show.

When I found this and watched it, I literally laughed spontaneously for about a week. I cried during the last part of it, I found it so amazingly funny.

6. Morning Star Meatless Buffalo Wings

Okay, I could eat these (and I have) every day for lunch and they would still be my favorite lunch food. I don't know why. I can't explain it. I'm not even vegetarian. My guess is it's that I've always loved chicken nuggets that "don't taste too much like chicken." These don't taste like chicken...they taste like crunchy breading bits and hot sauce. I wish I had some right now. They would make me so happy.

7. Exercise related euphoria

Need I say more? I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the hormones.

8. Sex

I knew this picture would come in handy. Up until recently, though I've always talked like a sailor, I've never thought of sex as something that I would ever really enjoy. Aside from it being good for you physically, it can do so much for your psyche. This is one I won't go into detail about. Not only to spare you, but to preserve that sense of intimacy.

9. Sleeping in

This happens on such a rare occasion that when it does happen, it's a real treat. Having a day off is nearly unheard of and is even more of a treat. The last time I had a day off of work, I went in to work anyway because they had scheduled me during my triathlon. I love big fluffy pillows and big fluffy blankets and making a hot breakfast before I start the push all over again. I could go for some sleeping in right now.

10. I'm going to have to cop out and give this one a little thought. So many things come to mind:

chocolate, reality tv, giving, reciprocal relationships, sharing, praise, hotel rooms, swimming pools, being naked, black, accomplishing goals, being independant, traveling, spending time with people I love, etc. I just don't know. But these are the stuff of life. They are things I almost expect from life. They should make me happy.

While proofreading this blog, I've smiled every single time I've gone back over it. These things make me who I am. It just makes me wonder what makes my friends this happy.

The Never Ending Facebook Status

Kristen is...

...unhappy it's Columbus day but happy the girls get a day off of school to spend with their dad.

...homesick, but wishes she knew where home was.

...sad for Estee.

...having nightmares again.

...scared that the stress is actually posing real physical health problems.

...capable of love.

...indulging in a bean burrito from the burrito man for the first time in months.

...waiting for an important text message she knows won't come.

...incapable of understanding the situation when you break the lines of communication so fully.

...unable to move forward.

...in need of more water.

...questioning human ability.

...already looking for Christmas presents.

...pondering the future.

...dumbfounded by people's reaction to the truth.

...hurt that she's never the one.

...appreciating the fine art of good pumpkin cheesecake.

...appreciating the fine art of reciprocal friendships.

...quietly distancing herself from a support system she will someday desperately need.

...aware of the fact that she knew full well the amount of stress she would be putting

herself through but thinks that the people around her somehow had no clue.

...unappreciatively aware of the burden she is.

...running through the last year in her head over and over again ad nauseam.

...never going to get tired of the Tool songs she relentlessly plays, but was sick of Sarah

Mcglaughlan from day one.

...wondering what is going to happen next semester when she's taking 18 credit hours and

is covered under her work's health insurance.

...sick of jumping ship.

...physically ill.

...breathing through music.

...missing Che.

...realizing that misery is optional as an adult.

...going to try to drag someone to Salsa with her.

... proud of certain friends for trying out dancing.

...never hoping, only doing.

I came I saw I conquered

The first annual Elephant Butte Olympic Distance Triathlon happened yesterday. My only question is why in the hell is this only the first annual? Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased to have been here for the beginning. But how many geniuses did it take to come up with the fact that this is one of the most beautiful places to race, or at least that I've had the honor of racing, right up there with Castle Rock and Dead Horse Point. The only thing I can think of is that people have thought of it and no one wanted to take it on. However, the whole town came out to participate in their own way. For this I thanked as many people along the way as I could. Yes, even through the tears.

I will definitely do this race next year and I can't wait. Usually, I don't ever set real goals for myself due to my history of accomplishing little to nothing I've ever "set out" to do. I didn't become a 5.12 climber, I didn't go to San Francisco for the summer to join circus school, I never went to Colorado Mountain College, I'm still in Albuquerque. The list goes on.

This year was different. I came, I saw, I conquered. I came into this year with much more knowledge of what I am capable of doing and what I wanted to do. I saw the opportunity to do something I've always wanted. And this weekend I conquered one of the most grueling physical challenges I've ever faced. You have no idea how happy I am. My time was shot, my bike is destroyed, my knees are killing me, and I've never been so proud of myself in my life. I set out to become a triathlete and though I must perfect my preparatory skills, I'm fast proving that I can set goals and stick them through until the end. If next year goes any better than this one, I think I will have to start investing in long term goals.

Okay, off my soap box and back to the race. The men started us off and left us women back at the beach jealously awaiting our turn. Since there were so few of us, they started us all off together, feet flailing, bubbles everywhere, heading out to the first boey. Let me tell you now, my carbo loading paid off. No fatigue and 37 minutes later I was out and into transition. My goal for this tri was to cut time off my transitions since they were so long in my first. I rocked out my transitions. Cut them in half. On the bike, feeling confident and crossing my fingers, the first few hills posed little problem for me. I could feel a slight resistance from my tire and the road was bumpy, but other than that the day was fine. Soon, my bike was making grinding sounds, popping in and out of gear and the resistance had gotten so great that I feared I might not finish. Down hills weren't much better than the up hills with so much resistance I was getting off my bike to fix what I only made worse in the end. I just had to deal with it. I had to finish, no questions. With absolutely no one in sight for most of the bike portion I found myself overwhelmingly worried about getting lost, being last (I was 2nd to last), or my bike falling apart completely (and it was making enough noise to convince me of this). I came into transition crying to find that many competitors were done with the race. The run started out with a sandy hill to asphalt and I walked several times throughout. The aid stations were my friends and I tried hard to take in and enjoy not only the views but the essence of the run which was the dam. I was one of few citizens ever permitted to cross it. Homeland security had cameras on us and made us sign waivers saying we would not stop on top of it. The last aid station at the turn around featured a super soaker, goo, and ladies in tight black cheerleading things. At the end Melanie and Tim were there to cheer my name. My time, a whopping 4:10. Poo. I kept saying there's always next year. And there will be. Somehow I will afford and new bike. My run and swim times were respectable for having a month to train but 2:16 on the bike was ridiculous. My bike and I aren't speaking as of yet.

After the race Melanie and I were talking with Dustin about the race. They were showing their disapproval of my choice to ride my own bike in the race. I had Dustin ride my bike around the corner and back once. His first words were "Oh my God." The damage was audible.

I traveled 33.7 miles back to the same geographic location, but physically and mentally, I came back to a different place entirely.


The first picture was part of the run a little under a mile from the turn around so at that point I had over 3 miles of running to go.

The second picture is of the second and biggest dam. Looks like both of these were taken from about the same place.