Run Away- A poem about running away

Run away with your feet and feel the ground underneath them
plowing earth getting it ready for sowing seeds
the seeds that will be ready tomorrow

but you won't be here tomorrow will you little red fox?
because you're running away

Run away to a place you don't belong
run away to a place you don't fit in
run to places with faces and teeth that grin

Stay little red fox Wait until your seeds grow
wait until their little veins and leaves and roots are strong enough to go with you

But you won't stay you must go
go to places where noone from where you were will tip you with dollars
where noone will remember what you said to them or did to them
Running away Following behind Wanting to help Wanting to find

Grow, do, be, whistle, and be free

You can't run from money little red fox
You can't run far
You can't run just because you're insecure little fox
Stay where you are.

Little red fox you just don't get it
The healthiest running is done going forward, not away from

Chewing the fat

Last weekend was our Body Composition lecture. Not exactly scary, but I was nervous. Body composition is basically a way of dividing the human body into Fat Mass and Fat Free Mass. Not an exact science but when your scores compared to the "norms", it puts you in percentile in relationship to everyone else in your age and gender groups.

In class, each person's skin (or fat) folds on different sites on the body were measured with skin fold calipers. Today in my Women in Weight Training class, body composition came up again. Before today, I hadn't even plugged my numbers into the equations to look at my "scores." I suddenly felt the need to know what my scores were because, and get this, I was feeling self conscious about not being able to swim this week.

I thought by knowing my scores, I would put this to rest...I'm not fat, in fact, I would have thought that I was in fairly good shape in relationship to the rest of America. I'm in the 50th percentile. That means I'm average. I'm in better shape than 50% of people in America.

What happened to the obesity epidemic? What happened to "oh, she's the athletic one...she doesn't have to worry about fat" ??? Yeah, even though it was never true that I never had to worry about fat, but 50th percentile? Average. Damn it, I 've always been average.

I don't even know why it bothers me. I have a feeling that I won't be suggesting this inexact and degrading science to any of my future clients. I thought that because I'm in fairly good shape, not exactly fat, I would have scored higher. Knowing my scores just makes me feel bad. I feel the need to lose weight...and not in a good way.

The ramifications of this are huge. I know what body weight I feel comfortable at, I know how hard it is to get to and maintain. I don't necessarily need to lose any significant amount of weight, and doing so may even be detrimental to my health. Imagine if I performed these equations on my low-self-esteem clients who don't have that background of knowing how to lose weight in a healthy, meaningful way. Bad news.

As much as I think I could be a motivational force and source of knowledge for my clients, everyone is ultimately going to do what they want. No matter how much knowledge I give them, everyone wants a quick fat loss cure. That, my friends, does not exist. Not longer term. Not healthy.

April showers bring May flowers...what does April wind bring?

Doctor Goodman and I have been talking a lot about what makes us who we are. Are the things you do who you are? Is what you like and dislike who you are? Is being a nice person a good way to explain who someone is?
I explained to him that for a long time I didn't want to climb and that was a bit disconcerting. I figured that it wasn't climbing that made me who I am, it's the fact that I like to be active. Instead of climbing, I had taken up triathlons. They're a lot of work, and really fun. The fact is, if I had stopped being active all together, I think people would have been worried.
That said, I went climbing last night and it was great.
My friend Michela used to love to read. You name it (and it was controversial or interesting) and she had already read it. Day, night, rain, shin, title wave, she would be reading. And although I didn't exactly classify Michela as a "reader" I was surprised when she said she hadn't picked up a book in who-knows-how-long. But still, there are certain things that make Michela Michela. She stands out among others, she is unique.
If you gave me a transcript of a phone conversation between two of my friends, with no names, no voices, I really believe that I would be able to tell who they were. Because they are different. But why? What makes them so?
I didn't get the CNM position. But it was between me and the person who got the job...out of 10 people.
Today I interviewed with Gold's Gym as a Personal Trainer. I think I may have asked him more questions than he asked me. Another attempt at breaking into a future more fitting to who I am.
Who am I? I told the good Doc I didn't know.
I'm really excited about the hotel we're staying at in Boulder for the "Tri For Your Cause" triathlon on May 4th. It's Boulder's first "No waist" hotel, it has a free-standing top-out boulder, a no-chlorine pool and I picked it because of the cool picture on google.
Stay little red fox. Wait until your seeds grow. Until the roots and veins and leaves are strong enough to go with you.
I think I've convinced Chris to come up with the girls that weekend. I hate going without them. It feels wrong. Terra's birthday is May 1st. 13 years old. I think Boulder's climbing gyms and fresh air will be fun for them.
I hate my job. Cassia keeps congratulating me for quitting, though I haven't. I feel bad. I'm having a hard time finding a place with health insurance. I'm dependent. I need it. It's 4pm. I just have to make it an hour and a half. This job, this place, these people are not who I am.
I put in for vacation from the 5-10th to go see Jessica, my BFF from high school/college in North Carolina. I can't wait to see water. I can't wait to see her. Can you characterize yourself by the company you keep? There is evidence for it.
Is it the things that you find exciting? Right now I'm excited about a member survey I wrote up for Stone Age. I made a box and everything. I could hardly speak last night, I was so excited. It will give me an idea of how to be useful at Stone Age. How to start my career. How to open my wings. I know, one damn survey and I'm suddenly Bette Midler (Wind beneath my wings).
It's always nice to be recognized. I just opened an email forwarded to me by my Fitness Instructor. He wrote it to a gym manager who I would love to work for. He described me to this manager as "She is book smart with very good people skills." Yep, that's me :). I do appreciate that one :). In that same vein, I really appreciate all of my friends. I really care about all of you. If you can classify yourself by the company you keep then I'm damn awesome.

In no order of importance, here is a list of the ways in which I see my friends. I don't think that people tell their friends often enough how much they are loved.

Chris- you brilliant, deep, strong, caring fool, you. You somehow have the strength to go right on finding good nature in man and dog alike. And cheers to your beautiful parenting. Thanks for feeding and watering me :). Thanks for letting me be whoever the hell I am. I love you for exactly who you are. If only I understood any part of what you understand.

Angela- I don't know who would come up with party ideas if you weren't around. I'm so happy to have a UTI buddy. Thanks for all the advice and the living space. PS. I know you're a triathlete at heart even though you've been busy. Keep up the stiff upper lip soldier.

Melanie- I was just talking about you the other day. How you somehow always have something nice to say that can keep me from feeling like the world hates me. I appreciate you getting out of bed to come kick my ass in the pool. You throw killer dinners. It has been a pleasure getting to know you, my Canadian friend.

Tim- Thanks for making Melanie happy. Thank you for having interesting things to say when we get past the "hitting on" thing. I know you don't mean it.

Beth- God you're cool. One of the sweetest people I know. So mellow. So fun at parties. And good at making faces in Aaron's photos.

Aaron- an intricately designed brain that is both creative and destructive. Hmm, that's the makings of some good art. Thank you for laughing at me. Someone needs to do it. Maybe our psychological underpinnings don't make us who we are, but they certainly make us think about who we are. Thank you both for being strong.

Priscilla- made from the same damn scrap of fabric, we are. Scrappy girl who is trying to make something of herself to prove that she can overcome adversity. Funny as hell. I'm in stitches every time you come into my office and tell me stories only a receptionist can tell. Thank you for being a role model to your brother and sister. Thank you for making this place bearable.

Cynthia- wisdom comes in many forms. Like a phoenix rising from some beautiful flame, somehow you always have the answers I'm looking for. Spiritual guidance from a fellow red-head. Thank you for letting me confide in you.

Cassia- I enjoy taking you to school so much. I want to buy you a world full of things to nurture your future so you don't end up hating people. I can't. Young, creative, hungry for knowledge and experience, tolerant. You hold too much in for such a young girl. Thank you for making my life rich.

Terrapin- You are really turning out to be something wonderful. I got to watch you go from baby soccer nerd to Miss popular two-tone-hair-in-front-of-my-eye I'm-so-cool. And you're still a good kid. Amazing. Smart, catches onto every move so quickly, so sensitive, hungry for permanence. Thank you for accepting me into your home.

Kyle- I love you more than I love myself. We may look nothing alike but we're exactly the same. You'll be fine. You will find your way. It's nice to have the best inside jokes with someone. Hilarious, great taste in music, stubborn. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for only being a little embarrassed by me.

Jessica- We've had our ups...we've had our downs. I'm glad you are who you are today, but I'm still glad you were the person you were. You and I have both grown up a lot. Let's not make some of those same mistakes again. You rock.

I love my food bowl

I guess jealousy is considered an unattractive quality. The thing is, I really love my food bowl. If you had a top-of-the-line food bowl like mine you'd be interested in "protecting" it too. Now, I understand that standing around my food bowl is a big no no and is actually unnecessary, impractical...there is simply no need nor is there a want to do such a silly thing. But I do love my food bowl very much. Shiny, pretty, holds lots of water and food...there when I need it, dependable, reliable...good ol' food bowl. Really, I would call it being proud of my food bowl more than jealousy. I plan to take care of my so loved food bowl for a long time. You're jealous of my food bowl, I can tell ;).