I'm buzzing

My head is buzzing
with light and monkies.

I lost 3 lbs. I gained 1 back = 2 lbs. lost

I hate dogs. I love wood floors. I don't miss old friends...I miss the ones I have.
I can't transfer that balance nor can I pay it off. So I'm stuck with 17.55 of hell.

I love kids. I don't want kids. I was put on this Earth to have children. I want kids.
I didn't take my pills this morning. Will I have dinner tonight if Chris isn't here? When should I take my vitamin D? When is that "to-do" list going to get done? Why can't I remember things?

Am I management material or will I always be like this? What does this key go to? My kids are going to do yoga every morning. I'm late. I'm late again. I hate FRIDAYS. I HATE them.

This New Year just snuck right up on me

As I look back on 2009, I see all the same shit I always do. Transgressions, faults, horrible days, heartache. We're all happy for a clean slate. A new start. A new year. But do we have the right intensions? Maybe.

Things that didn't go so well:
The slow but steady crumble of my desk job at CNM...
Terra refusing to see me for most of this and part of last year.
My decision to put off going to grad school.
The degradation of my savings due to Christmas and limited resources from only having 5 jobs now. You would think I'd be rolling in it.
Mice.
I never did another race.
I stopped working out for myself.
I'm still as disorganized as ever.
I tried a very powerful medication and things went very wrong.
I don't live at the place I will spend thousands of dollars on.
I lost the final of a student and gave him an F. I found it under my car seat.
I almost lost a job for being late/forgetting sessions more than 3 times.
My diet has gone to shit.
I let people down.
My parents are still pretending that Chris doesn't exist.
And that's just within my household. Never mind the rest of the world...

Thankfully, the good things that have happened were recent enough for me to remember those too. Top 5 are enumerated here IN THE ORDER I THOUGHT THEM UP:

5. I opened my yoga studio. Even though I have lost a lot of money in this endeavor, I have faith that with my resolutions, it will soon start to make us some money. The children I have worked with already have made all of this worth it. I love going to work every Sunday to do yoga with my littlest friends.

4. Chris finished his shape chapter. This is a huge accomplishment and I am so proud of him. Then he went on to figure out the entire universe...Go Chris.

3. Terra is home, much better and within the last couple of weeks, she has agreed to let me in the same room with her.

2. Chris and I are going on our third year together. We are much stronger. Much healthier. And hopefully ready to face another year as "we."

1. I got an A in Exercise Physiology without having to sacrifice too much.

Suprisingly, I kept a lot of last year's resolutions:

1. No more lies (kept if for all the hard parts)
2. Cut down on swearing (I don't know. I feel like I totally did)
3. Keep communication open and free-flowing (this one got us in big trouble-not kept well)
4. Save money (I did such a great job up until now)
5. Take steps toward traveling (I have a passport, I've been accepted to the program in India, All I need is a ticket)
6. Complete at least a 7th triathlon (Nope, Not a chance)
7. Make a concerted effort to help out (I have made a very concerted effort. Doesn't mean there isn't still more work to be done.)
8. Take steps toward opening my own business (I skipped to the owning part :))
9. Stop living as though I don't deserve happiness (Still not sure about this one)
10. Love to the fullest and give back what I have received (I will continue to do this)

And these are my resolutions for 2010:

1. Find a way to become and stay organized
2. Never overdraw my accounts again
3. More and better marketing and networking
4. Workout at least 3 days per week (on my own)
5. Eat more veggies and fruit
6. Make concerted efforts not to be late anymore
7. Take a dance class and yoga
8. Make more money
9. Keep making efforts to save money
10. Pay off credit card debt and never look back
11. Start climbing again
12. Learn to cook
13. Last but not least-keep working on last year's resolutions

Proud

I was having a talk with my therapist this morning, as we do every other Monday...and I came upon something I haven't thought of before.

I don't tell people about the small things I accomplish that I am truly proud of for fear of being boring or sounding arrogant.

So here is a happier blog for you, born of the fact that I am indeed proud of some things I do.



I spend a lot of time playing with my finances. Moving funds, saving, scrimping, challenging myself, reading books about money, and thinking about numbers all day. I have pages and pages of numbers and financial values...in essence, I am writing down what I want my future to look like.

It has taken me quite a while to get to this place, and though I still feel vulnerable to fluctuation, bad months, unexpected fees, and the fact that I should be doing better, I still have a place of hope and pride that I keep unchecked.

Currently, though I have a good chunk of debt, I have learned to live without credit cards. I haven't touched one for months (a year?). I have saved into a small, moderate yield savings account for my "rainy day" fund. I have payed off two of my four credit cards with the help of debt stacking and should be credit card free within the next two years. After that, I should be completely debt free within 5. I have made out a financial goal sheet specifying what I will need to save within the next 6 months to be able to go to India, and within the next 2 years to be able to start having children. I have started a Roth IRA for myself while contributing some of my paycheck to my job's retirement fund.

My bills are payed on time. I know exactly what I will be paying and to whom for the next three pay periods. I have taken the next step toward a financial future that is more profitable than a $10/hour desk job.

Although risky, I stand to earn more than I would with no corporate ladder to climb. For those things, I am proud.

Although some months I still find it hard to squeak out paying my bills, I'm not using credit, I save a small amount of money every month and I stick to my debt stacking plan. These are things that are important to me.

Happy Blog

There, are you happy now? ;)

Words I like...

1. Antidisestablishmentarianism- makes me think of my brother.

2. Quixotic- 'cause I sooo am.

3. Gams- makes me feel old fashioned.

4. Turkey baster- it just glides right off your tongue...and it makes me laugh.

5. Bitchin'- just because it's one of those words that lets you know the kind of person you are dealing with. No, I don't use it :).

6. Umami- because I knew what it was before Chris did.

7. Crotchity- some day.

The Time Line

Unfortunately, I can't remember dates. So it's just a line...

I hate my job at MB, Audi & Porsche and decide to become a personal trainer

Enroll and do well at CNM all the while getting worse at my job

Get rejected for the CNM IT job

1 week later I get hired for the CNM IT job

I am working as the CNM IT and liking it considerably while I finish off my internship with Sports and Wellness

2 weeks later...the program director quits and I'm left with a heap of shit to deal with.

1 month later I'm running his info sessions and doing some of his work

2 months later I'm helping with admin work on top of my own

4 months later I find teachers

1 day before Fall classes start...I am asked to teach because the teachers I picked have no degree...just loads of experience

For the next 4 months I work my ass off trying to do two jobs (IT and Teaching) at the same time with no workstudies, no experience and no guidance. During the 1st month I'm payed jack and sometime when they feel like it, they give me Director status to pay me for what I'm doing.

At some point during this semester they hire Julie as temporary IT and she hires workstudies.

I am asked to teach Spring. I teach for another term and do Tom's administration job.

During the summer I hold more info sessions for next year and begin another fall.

I find out they have me as Full time (Director) only until December.

Julie quits early July. For the two weeks I work both jobs and teach.

After that, they tell me they have kicked me out of my Director job yet I will now be responsible for IT and Part time faculty (teaching) still. Plus, I need to help someone else learn the admin portion. Oh, did I mention I now "owe" them $800 because they told HR I was IT the day Julie quit even though for that two weeks I held three positions?

They withhold $800 from my paycheck.

I now am supposed to work 56 hours at CNM. Okay fine. I have workstudies. I make do. I stay in my office working on my teaching material, quizzes, tests, reviews, correcting homework, putting together lectures, and holding office hours all week long to get my poor students up to snuff. Everyone tells me I'll be teaching for Fall and Spring.

3 weeks ago. I get a new boss. Patrick. I get an email from this person saying he needs my schedule. What schedule? My faculty schedule? It can wait.

2 weeks and 6 days ago. Patrick emails again insisting that I get him the schedule.

Some time after that I finally get it to him. He promptly shows up, says a whole bunch of nothing and leaves.

During the last two weeks he has called, emailed and popped in insessantly. Tells other people that I'm just doing all this for money and that if I can't do the job I should quit. Reports all of this to Richard (my assoc. dean). I ignore it until Patrick calls me into his office and begins ranting like an asshole.

I continue to ignore him and do my job.

Meanwhile, Richard tells me they are taking me off the lecture classes for the Spring. They want someone with a masters degree. No application is up. No interviews have been held. My students are pissed.

Last week Patrick can't find me and has me sign a paper saying that he has spoken to me about my job description and has requested the hours which I am to be in what exact location. Stupid me, I sign it.

Thursday of last week. I've had it. I quit. 2 weeks. He and Richard against me in the showdown I've been waiting for. They somehow trick me into staying through the end of the semester. Richard doesn't even look like he cares that I'm leaving next semester. As long as I teach him what I know before I leave. They agree to change my job description to allow me to do my job as an IT and do DIRECTOR work for them...without a pay raise.

Today I tell the good Dr. that I'm done. I'm sick of being here. I'm sick of making decisions. I'm sick of eating, cooking, cleaning, getting dressed, making conversation, paying bills, brushing my teeth, getting up in the morning, taking a shower, driving, reading, thinking. I want to go away. And I don't want them to follow me. He says nothing of my suicide threat. Perhaps he knows I won't do it.

I take my pills faithfully every morning fearing another panic attack, another physical symptom of stress, being unhappy but liking the simple consistancy of controlling what chemicals enter my body.

2 hours. 20 min. and 25 days until I am free.

A first

Someone I barely know walked up to me the other day and asked what drama was happening in my life today...Great.