Pet Peeves

Go on. Ask me how I really feel. I fucking dare you...Not feeling so hot tonight. So here is the list I can make public. The other is under the strictest of lock and key. Sorry ladies, no can show you that one.


Here goes:

1. Being Tickled

2. Speed bumps

3. Roaches-spanning all space and time except the Wally movie.

3. When things stare at me while I eat.

4. Anger. Mine and anyone else's.

5. Birthday cards that have nothing written in them except the person's signature and the note that came printed on the card.

6. Coffee. Yes, it has done me wrong in the past 24 hours.

7. Smoking. Especially outside the gym. Come on people.

8. Being called a fat stupid whore (as a joke...(???)), having people laugh every time this person says it then being asked if I talk about it to my psychiatrist. Maybe next time is the time I walk out of their house. They know how to contact me if they have an apology. This will never happen.

I thought about renaming this blog post "Not-unhappy" which is the name of the photo. Just keep in mind that no matter what a person looks like on the outside, it doesn't mean they haven't had just as hard of a day as you've had. Be nice people! Be the person that makes others feel better, not worse.

A series of unfortunate...jokes

One day God spoke to Adam and Eve
He told them that he had a gift for each of them, but that they had to decide who got what

"The first gift is the gift of being able to pee while standing up"
Being excited about getting gifts, without hesitation, Adam exclaims "Pee standing up! That would be awesome! I'll take that one."

God says "Okay Adam- peeing while standing up, it's yours. Eve, you get the other...multiple orgasms"




Joke #2.

A hot blond walks into a casino and straight over to the craps table. A couple of dealers are standing around the table. The blond is eager to play. "I'm feelin' lucky tonight but I feel even more lucky when I'm completely nude...do you mind?" The dealers shake their heads in amazement. She strips down, shakes the dice... "Come on! Mama needs a new set of clothes" and rolls the dice. "I won I won!" she exclaims, jumping up and down excitedly.

The woman takes her chips, gathers her clothes and runs out of the casino.

One dealer looks at the other and asks " What did she roll?"
"I don't know, I thought you were watching."...

Moral of the story: Not all blonds are dumb, but all men are men.


Joke #3.

A blond and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.
They start gambling-a friendly betting game.

"Okay, so if you can't answer one of my questions, you have to give me $5. If I can't answer one of yours, I give you $50," says the lawyer. "What is the distance from the Earth to the nearest star?"

Without saying a word, the blonde forks over the $5.
"What walks up a hill in the morning on two legs, but walks down the hill in the evening on four?" asks the blonde.

"Okay, you got me." He hands her the $50. She puts it away in her purse...
There is a brief silence...
"Okay, but what was the answer to your riddle?" asks the lawyer.

Without saying a word, the blonde forks over another $5.

Love list #2.

Again, the rules as stated where I found them: Do not link the list to specific people, etc. You must think by first loving yourself...


1. I love the type of focus that makes everything seem so far away
2. I love the shoes sitting by the window ready to go to the garden
3. I love crying when it has nothing to do with my female cycle
4. I love discovering new insights into my own body
5. I love planning, then un-planning, then re-planning my day and having no one notice one bit
6. I love opening myself up to the possibility of pure emotion and then being able to explain it-the taste of it
7. I love passion in most forms
8. I love going into something with a plan and then being able to 180 it within moments
9. I love that it could be a year from the last time I hear a song and I can still sing the lyrics by feeling out the beat
10. I love that all I have to do is think about the feelings I was having at that particular moment that I parked my car in order to remember where I parked it...

Passionate Hate vs. Uncompromising Love

Fills my eyes and I almost forget the other exists
Nothing but that moment on my tongue
That feeling- deep, eternal
My heart beats as if paving its way out

Hate: Looking for a way to escape Love: Looking for a way to bronze the ephemeral

Makes my body feel very real
Makes my mind stop functioning correctly
Eat nothing
Feel everything
Stomach full of Hate: daggers Love: butterflies

I want to say "Choose me"
I want to say "Never again"
I need to say "Fine"
I need to feel fine first

A great friend told me that she just wanted to feel...this. Whatever this was, whether it was love or lust or hatred or fear or anger, hurt, Joy, Godliness. For that moment, letting her truth guide her. For that moment, making her own decision that maybe by feeling it she could understand it.

As if not trusted to make the decision, neither are permitted
By one comes anger and rage and disappointment and hurt
by the other comes embarrassment and fear and misunderstanding

Neither do I win.

22.

22. Cooks
23. Loves Scrapple, chocolate covered salt water taffy, and a laundry list of other confections.
24. Is "left handed"
25. Has a famous recipe for chili (Texas, not green :) )
26. Used to ride a bike to work every day
27. Likes fishing
28. Has 2 cats
29. Is a great photog
30. Is a brilliant writer

Happy Birthday Me

About half a year or more ago, I decided to think about finding my father...well, I've been thinking about thinking about it for more than a while. Anyway, about a month or more ago I got his ss# from my Mom. Found him probably a week or so ago. Decided to think about thinking about calling him. The day before my birthday, he called my Dad. Sheesh, I was so slow he actually found my Dad before he found me and before I called him. Asked a ton of the obvious questions, and my Dad in turn told me as we were headed out for dinner. Said he wanted me to call in the morning...on my birthday.


So I did. I was so simple. Easy. Back from Spin class I walked out into Chris' back yard, sat down, and dialed him up...as though I were calling an old friend. He picks up, obviously not recognizing the #. I ask if this is "Mr. Mckernan" and when he says yes I tell him my name. Ah, the moment of realization.

Two hours later and I had learned more than I ever thought I would know. For one, he goes by Dan now, not Danny. And for two, he does have a job and he's actually quite smart. This may not sound like a revelation to you but for years I had been convinced that every sinister looking man running my way was out to steal me from my Mom and prostitute me out for drug money...just saying- I was happy to find out that this was far from the truth.

Things:

1. We actually have a very similar political stance.
2. He has 2 sisters and 1 brother.
3. Never been remarried or had any kids after us
4. Loves folk festivals- Dar Williams and Arlo Guthrie are his favorite
5. I got to talk to my grandmother for a minute
6. I have lots of cousins
7. He has a myspace page devoted to finding me.
8. I was conceived in Germany
9. Not much of a Dead Head
10. Has a tickle me elmo somewhere...lol.
11. Used to be part of a cover band called the tangents-very good.
12. Is very handy with computers- linux
13. Doesn't smoke
14. Manages a sea food department
15. Used to work in Casinos making very good money
16. Remembers my Mom's family
17. Has blue eyes with brown in one.
18. Voted for O'Bama
19. Told me to tell my mom that he thinks very highly of her. That was nice to hear.
20. Lives in NH
21. Has a sister that lives in AZ

Since then I had a conversation with my cousin Karen. She doesn't remember much about him, but told me to be careful, guarded, smart. Obviously, I'll respect the wishes of my mom and not discuss her, I'll respect not telling him where they are, I'll even be physically careful...but I cannot and will not be emotionally guarded. I think he deserves a chance of his own on that one.

I'm just so tired

Seriously. I'm fucking tired.

I just can't stop thinking that everyone goes through a period in their life like this. Yet everyone keeps gasping at me as if I had just told them that I was living a double life as the president of New Zealand...sort of a mix of- 'I always suspected' and 'What the What?!'

So then after I explain that this is probably one of the least stressful times in my life I figure out that no, in fact most people are not at all interested, not only in having three jobs, but having three jobs that require high physical demand (even if you don't want to work out). That most people don't add their own work out routine on top of that, and juggle a time slot with psych appointments and financial independence classes. That, no, indeed most people do not think that it is a reasonable request to require them to wake up at 4am three times a week and 7am on Saturday mornings, plus be flexible enough to make it in on time to open on Sundays...

But such was my choice.

I love my jobs. I've had enough shitty jobs to know who I am and what kind of stress I can handle. I can't handle standing in front of a door in the middle of the winter without a jacket with 50 tvs around me taking peoples' IDs. I can't handle cold calling people who obviously don't make enough money to buy the kind of cars we sell.

I can, and do, handle going into a fitness class completely unprepared. I can handle physical limitations of clients. I can handle cleaning exercise equipment at 5am. And I can certainly handle working out every day of the work week with my students.

Right now I'm dealing with orphaned instructors, juggling class schedules for 25 instructors at 4 campuses over 2 semesters with over 100 sections, 24 stressed out students, 4.5 hours of written finals and 20 hours of practical finals to prepare for, 10 physical fitness classes per week, 2 lecture classes per week, open house to 3000 high school students this Friday, budget cuts, three non-working treadmills, saving my own money by practicing discipline (which means conveniently forgetting to eat so that I can eat at my parents' house:)), trying to find motivation and time to run/swim/or bike on my own time, battling sandbagged eyes, having two completely separate families that both need my full attention, painting, being a friend, finding some kind of time to concentrate on starting my business, and now I'm going to bed...



I wouldn't trade it for the world right now. Someday I'll trade it for a home, and children, and animals, and my own business. For right now I'm happy.

Happiness for me is defined by how much of myself I can give away, that I may be whole one day.