Other dreams

They are becoming much more vivid, life like, scary...

I had a dream about my good friend Jessica a couple of nights ago. All I remember was that I was happy during the dream. Damn it, why do I remember the not-so-nice ones but the happy ones are lost to me. This is something fundamental I must fix about myself.

Last night's dreams consisted of signing up for a program to chaperone a convict for a week (meaning he can't be out of my sight-he was James Frey from my favorite books-his young self no less), Aaron (from the gym) showing us his blue tribal tattoo...omg, and my biological father blowing me off by text message...telling me he owned a farm and dinner would not be possible as he had to get up early.

Boo dreams.

Stars without Makeup...

As I walked from my car up University on my way to teach, my two Walmart purses became designer Dolci & Gabbana's.

My $7 Payless sunglasses started sliding down my nose, cheap screws loosening, and I thought to myself "My Gucci sunglasses would never do this..."

I kept on walking, head held high. I'd just put on my makeup in my car after working out at the gym for an hour. Some paparazzi caught me off guard as I exited the gym that morning, flash bulbs going off in my face...I can just see the headline now "Stars without makeup," "Celebs go all-natural," "Gym tips from Kristol Mariza"...Just a stage name.

Evian in my hand (they won't let me drink anything else), I tried not to make eye contact with anyone. The man who walks by yells "Kristol! Since when did water become a status symbol! Are you too good for tap water? Answer me!" He's right. This happens daily, but when I went Costco brand the Tabloids did a front page of me, again, without makeup, in a 'What were they thinking!?' article, making a big deal about how shabby and 'down in the dirty hippy masses' I was. Used it to make sweeping character judgments on me...needless to say, my publicist shit a brick and got me on the phone immediately.

My bodyguards shooed the crass old foggie away and I'm left alone. So many people around. So lonely. Just me and my tiny poodle.

One time she bit a paparazzo in the ass as he was trying to get a crotch shot to say I was a slut. I laughed my ass off...and then he sued me. It was a fairly small settlement. Money for emotional damage and the bite marks on his ass...

As I enter the building, my bodyguards fade away...my designer purses are the same drab bags and my earrings turn back into Cubic Z's. My sunglasses fall right off my nose and I fumble into my classroom.

All smiles. Here, I'm just plane old Kristen. Here is where I really shine.

Upstanding citizens

Hate is not a pretty thing.
You can't be proud of it.
Or at least you shouldn't be.
Seems to be my prized fucking possession.
When do I get to relax?

Never.
The ex-wives club will always be there.
Always behind one thing or another.
Waiting to kick me in the teeth once again.

Fall flat on my ass.
Looking stupid.
Looking jealous...but I'm not.
I'm filled with rage.
Rage I can't, or would love not to have to control.
Some days I'd rather not be functional.

Some days I want to destroy.
Some days I want to sleep.
Some days I just try to be happy.
Some days I forget.

Always I'm helpless.

The things I'm most proud of....

Today, I was explaining to someone that I would be back in an hour after swimming. They replied with something like "wow, you're very active, running, yoga, swimming"...and I thought, That's not the half of it. I thought back to the life list I wrote and realized that the things I'm most proud of accomplishing are nowhere on that list...all of the physical activities I've tried/done/failed at/won medals in...





Have done once (so far):


1.Tennis


2. Cross country skiing


3. croquet


4. Samba (it's actually pretty hard)


5. Volley ball (was trying out for the team and didn't even know it)


6. Soccer (just remembered that I put on a soccer camp for kids as a girl scout)


7. Roller blading


8. Shooting (if you consider that a sport)


9. Frisbee golf


10. Mountain biking


11. Hula dance (I took a lesson with my mom while she was taking them-did it for talent show in middle school)

12. Sky Diving! I just knew I would forget something...





Have done a few times (so far):


1. Archery


2. Horse back riding


3. Flag football/ultimate frisbee (boo)


4. Ice skating


5. Roller skating (quite often as a child)


6. Downhill skiing (took it up last year and got to go again this season)


7. Olympic lifting (I was so sore, it was so fun)


8. Square dancing (actually, I did it for years growing up-favorite back then)





Have done several times/years:


1. Cheerleading (middle school and high school)


2. Belly dancing


3. Modern dance (I danced at Rodey and on a platform in the middle of a corn maze)


4. African Dance


5. Irish step dancing (performed at a wedding, talent show at Sandia, Irish venues, and have won several medals for it)


6. Swing dance (one of my favs.)


7. Climbing


8. Swimming (only in association with tris, longest-1500m)


9. Biking (tris and several races-one silver medal in the Gila, longest-65 miles, commuting, and for years as a child)


10. Running (tris and several 5ks and one 10k and a relay at the Duke City Marathon which I used to volunteer for at the water stations)


11. Gymnastics (though I loved it, it is my failure...my weakness)


12. Judo


13. Yoga


14. Pilates


15. Body Sculpting (a class I teach at CNM and Stone Age)


16. Triathlons (I've done six so far and plan on more, it started out as a fulfilled curiosity)


17. Hiking (though I kind of hate it)





Have never in my life done but look like I can/have been asked if I do:


1. Ballet





Things I dream of doing some day:


1. Aerial silks (yes, I've long dreamed of running away with the circus)


2. Marathon


3. Multi-pitch climbing

That one guy

I'm gonna go find my biological father now. I'll let you know how that goes.

Microwave Protocol & toxic waste in my office

I was in the CNM cafeteria today for a nice 2 o'clock lunch. Didn't really feel like dealing with crazy sandwich lady today so I settled for a prepackaged lunch of odwalla Tangerine!, fruit, and mac-and-cheese.

Very telling of the rest of CNM, there is only one very old microwave in the cafeteria. I opened it's door to find someone else's tv dinner. Looked around for several seconds. Done!, it kept flashing. So, I took it out. With a napkin, I carefully layed it on top of the microwave and put mine in for 1.5 min. Noone was coming to claim this sad excuse for a meal. Pressed start. Found a table. Set my things down. Turn around to supervise my meal, unlike some, and there she was. The owner. Walk to the microwave.


"It wasn't done," she said in a bitchy defensive way as I stared at my own meal that had been removed from the microwave while still cooking. Visions of pushing her down, snatching her stupid fucking weight-watchers-piece-of-shit meal out of the microwave and throwing it down were dancing through my head as I reminded myself that I was faculty.

A girl that had come up after me offered for me to go in front of her. I decided that I'd go back to my office and use my own. You know, stop pretending to be a student.

So when I get back, these three huge ass guys come in to inspect this drum of potentially hazardous material that has been in this office since I was a student here. Noone knows what's in it. Noone knows where it came from...and an analysis costs $1000. I'm not sticking my nose in it, but I want it out. Whoever thought it was a good idea to use this office as a storage unit for waste material should be fired...and perhaps was since noone seems to know where it came from.

Boo. I miss the girls.

2008 Comes to a crashing Hault, Head on Collision with 2009...

Although 2008 had good intentions, it hasn't exactly been a walk in the park.

I ended the semester with "mixed reviews" from my students, haven't seen the girls in I-don't-know-how-long, hospital visits, sleepless nights, incompetent co-workers, and hurting loved ones. By the time Christmas rolled around I was pissed off, exhausted and decompressing badly. Needless to say my Christmas day ended with a long bout of crying into Chris's arms.

After spending around 9 hours in the ER yesterday to find out that the nausea/blackout/dizzy/scary spell at 430am was classified off the bat as a panic attack, I realized how physically alone I am. BTW, my parents did an amazing job of putting up with me. With Chris 14 light years, I mean hours on the other side of the world, and the girls in California, I'm left with what I thought I wanted in the first place...alone time. It sucks. Too much time to think can be a bad thing.

Thinking of what 2008 has meant to me fills me with that same nauseous feeling and I become filled with doubt and guilt. In an attempt not to let the whole year go down as "That one year" or "The shitty year" I'd like to list 5 things that happened that have been good things.

5. An historical election. Here's to an African American who won on his own merit. Let us not have faith in him but guide him as a leader. Here's to OJ Simpson getting the time he deserved. No two men are the same. Judging people by skin color/sexual preference/whatever is just plain narrow minded.

4. My job. As incompetent as some of my co-workers are, I am truly grateful for my job. It allows me that satisfied teacher feeling as well as allowing me to be an autonomous human being with my own apartment. I have grown tremendously as a person in some of the areas I was lacking because of this opportunity and I appreciate it greatly. And here's to getting my temporary Director position extended through the end of Summer term. Here's to knowing that I can pay my bills tomorrow.

3. My parents talk to me. Don't think that's any small thing. This time just a couple of years ago they weren't. I might still be the "bad child" but at least I have my parents back. You don't know how much they mean until you find that they aren't willing to be there for you any more. Here's to my parents for putting up with me. Thanks for getting up at 430 in the morning to hold my hand and the puke bucket for me. And thanks to my brother for always picking the right CD for me.

2. To failed attempts. Some things should not be done successfully and if you know what they are be thankful they weren't. Thank God all three of you failed.

1. Here's to forgiveness. I may or may not deserve it, but I got a lot of it this year. Don't think I'm going to go squandering it either. I've learned hard lessons that will make me better. Hopefully I can give back what I have received in love, loyalty, compassion, laughter, trust, gratefulness, openness, oneness...And here's to all the friends that stood by to lend a hand, an ear, or a beer.

And of course, drum roll please........My resolutions:

1. No more lies
2. Cut down on swearing
3. Keep communication open and free-flowing
4. Save money
5. Take steps toward traveling
6. Complete at least a 7th triathlon
7. Make a concerted effort to help out
8. Take steps toward opening my own business
9. Stop living as though I don't deserve happiness
10. Love to the fullest and give back what I have received